FALLING HEART

40

I didn't come out of the room that shielded me from Ma.

I couldn't answer the questions she had for me.I didn't want to.

Ma had stopped knocking and demanding me to come out . I didn't falter in my determination to stay cooped up inside.I cannot let Ma know it.It will just bring disaster in its wake.Destroying everything. I cannot be the one to initiate it.

Many hours had passed and I was starting to worry now.I didn't hear any noise from outside.Where is Ma..?

Hopefully she has calmed down now.I opened the door noiselessly and peeked out the door.Ma wasn't inside.

Twilight shades of the night brought in semi light,  making the room visible making the room partially visible.I trudged outside and relaxed visibly.

Sekra must be with Ma.Because even that annoying creature was missing.

My eyes found the letter kept neatly on the dining table.Ma must have read it again.I ignored it.

Shuffling noises emanated from the garden and I changed my direction to head out.Taking a few steps out I saw Ma in her garden separating different herbs.I stood there,near her silently asking her forgiveness.Ma continuously ignored me.I knew she had noticed my presence but dutifully she kept her eyes in front of her.Never sparing me a glance.

"Ma." I whispered tired of her ignorance.Trying to get her attention.It didn't feel good at all,being ignored like that by Ma of all people.Mostly because it was Ma.

"Ma.I am sorry." I said a little louder but she didn't return my stare."Ma.Please."

Ma got up and started to go inside side stepping me.I rushed after her and caught her wrist in my hand."Ma please listen to me.I don't want to talk about them."

Forcefully Ma yanked her hand away from me and marched inside.I stood there dumbstruck.Ma never behaved like this.Is she really that angry with me..?

Shaking myself out of the stupor I ran inside and found Ma in the kitchen mumbling to Sekra who very graciously pointed me out to Ma.But it didn't deter Ma as she moved pots and dishes aside making a clutter inside.She was agitated and I was the reason.Her tactic of not talking to me was working beautifully .I must say.

It was making me irritated now.

I tried again as she went to the dining table and sat with her now washed herbs.Putting them in bottles.I occupied the seat near her and held her hands in mine making her look at me."Ma,you are not allowed to get angry at me.It is my right as your daughter to command that respect."

 An elegant brow arched higher .She didn't say a word so I continued on softly."Ma.Please I don't care what they do.I am done with them.And what they did or do now doesn't concerns me in the very least.I am just done.Please let it  go.My intention was never to make you angry like this."

Ma sighed audibly and looked at me with that penetrating stare that made me squirm in my seat."You don't get it.Do you..?I was never angry at you.I can never be.But you hiding things from me makes me sad.It hurts me."

Ma's saddened eyes was proof enough."I want to know Zairi. Don't you think it is my "right" as your mother to know it.?" Ma smiled slightly.I could make out the twinkling in her eyes.She was trying to pry the information out.By any means necessary.

I smiled back at her.Already aware  of her new tricks."Ma,that won't work.You know it." Grabbing her hands I pulled them to my heart and captured her gaze with seriousness in my eyes" You are the only one I cannot afford upsetting.When you shun me out like that,something breaks inside."

"Don't you think it feels the same for me as well Zairi.?You are the one keeping me out.I am in dark here not knowing what you are going through and before you interrupt I know you are suffering but you won't tell me about it .So how do you think that makes me feel.?Knowing you are hurting and not being able to remedy that." Ma's dejected expression tugged at my heart.And I wanted to bare my soul to her.But I couldn't subject her to more grief.

My eyes dipped to the ground.I knew the feeling well.Haven't I experienced the same so many times.?Being kept in the dark.

"Ma I know that you just want me happy and yes you are right I am hurting but please believe me when I say that nothing would hurt me more than to tell you about it.I know I am asking a lot but please let the past stay where it belongs.I can understand your need to help me.I have that same need to protect you as well."I stopped to take a breath and let Ma see the honesty in my gaze."I will tell you all in time.I promise this.Not now.Please not now.Respect my wishes this time, Ma.I beg you."

I knew Ma wasn't convinced but she let me be.She smiled albeit a bit reluctantly and sadly. I knew then all was forgiven.I was adamant at this and may be she could see it.I could see her resolution.She won't ask me again.She knew me well enough to know that I won't budge.

She pulled me in a hug and I relaxed,sagging in her arms.Ma rubbed a hand down my hair and all was right in my world.

And I really thought that it was all over.Done with.

It'll take time but Ma and her love  will help me forget it all.Make them a tiny speckle of dust in my vision.And I'll wait for that day patiently.I don't regret spending all that time in that house. Befriending Aiinata or meeting Granna. All the good and all the bad.It was all precious to me and my heart will always remember that.But that's where it will always remain.A beautiful part in my memory.

The dream was over and it was time to wake up.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

The nightmare was just about to begin.