FALLING HEART

32

I saw the morning light slowly penetrating the trees,trying to reach me.My eyes blinked as if the wait was over.I got up.Not taking in account the way my muscles protested as I had been sitting in the same position.

And now it was time.

My legs didn't cooperate with my decision, may be that's why they were making such a huge fuss.I walked with my good leg and dragged the bruised one behind.It was a mess but the pain really was not registering with me till yet.I didn't feel it at all.

There was nothing left to think or feel.My mind was a blank slate.I was a mess.My gown was muddied.My face showed my broken soul.

Everything inside me had shut down.

I marched to my destination looking straight ahead.I trudged on and stopped before the door that was my only lifeline here.I knocked and entered when Granna's voice bid me.I stood just inside the door not venturing inside  trying to maintain that distance from her.

"Zairi.." She didn't say anything more.Something in my face must have warned her of my fragile state.Taking in my condition she got up slowly from her chair and came towards me."What.?What has happened.?You.?Why do you look like that..?" 

She came towards me but I avoided her warmth by taking a step back.

I raised my eyes to her and heard her sharp intake of breath.She moved her hand to cover her mouth.Without further ado I said the words I knew would hurt her."I want to go back home.To my Ma."

She flinched when I used the word "Home" for Ma's house.Surprise flickered over that weathered face.I held my ground when a frown formed on that face.She looked at me for a while as if analyzing what the best course of action is.If she could convince me.If she could really make me stay here after what had happened.I knew she wasn't aware of the harsh and jarring awakening I faced yesterday.And I didn't want her to know.

I was done.

I saw it before she could say it.She knew something was way off.And she also knew she won't be able to stop me now.I admired Granna's intuition.She always knew when something was wrong and how to fix it.This time she knew as well that whatever was broken, won't be  fixed by her at all .May be that's why she agreed with me without questioning my decision any further.Heaving a deep sigh she nodded her head."Yes child.I allow you to go back."

I turned back immediately ,ready to go and leave this hellish place as fast as possible.It was difficult to breath here.

"Zairi allow me this last request." Her soft voice entered my hazy brain.

I stopped  but didn't turn.

"Let someone take you home.I won't be worrying then.Please." That last word was what made me accept her "request".Granna was a strong and authoritative woman.She could command an army if she wanted. Wasn't she handling this pack even in this old age.?!.So who was I to degrade the humility of such a dear one.It just didn't feel right even in my vacant condition to refuse her.

I opened my mouth to say my farewell but no sound escaped those lips.I stopped after several tries.My brain ,a jumbled mess.I nodded once to let her know I accepted.Then not waiting, I walked the short distance to the main door and waited outside.I could not stomach to be inside another second.

....................

Several pack members saw the broken doll who sat by the stairs.But didn't dare comment or offer help. No one had the courage to come and offer a kind word.Finally they saw what they had done.They knew where the blame fell.They knew it .The bottomless pit had taken her prisoner.She won't be the same again.The doll will deteriorate.

.................

I waited another few minutes before a black SUV pulled in front of me.The door to the front seat opened. I ignored it.Opening the door to the back seat,I slid inside and sat ramrod straight.My body tensed.I was lost in my own world now.Ready to escape it all.I didn't look out the window once, not bearing the sight of the that house or anything related to it.I kept my gaze straight ahead,not really seeing anything.I wasn't interested in knowing who was driving.My brain still scrambling and struggling to gather all its bits.Everything inside me was dead.No iota of life remained in me and I accepted it.I finally accepted the numbness.

The car engine started after a while and I was on my way out of this futile existence.

My face never left the back side of the seat in front of me.The car jerked once but I stayed still.

It wasn't long when the car came to a stop.I got out instantly and kept on moving not once looking back.

I kept my pace and knocked at the door.

The door opened to reveal Ma standing there.Seeing me,her smile fell .She enveloped me in a hug."Zairi.Oh zairi."

She didn't let go and finally my body relaxed knowing it was safe here.No one could hurt me here.My safe place.my home.My Ma.

Of their own accord my hands wrapped around her and fisted her clothes  fiercely,not willing to let go of the warmth she radiated.The way she was dimming the numbness inside me.I held on."I missed you so much,My child."Her familiar smell and voice surrounded me.It started erasing some of the pain inside, erasing the dullness.She began to fill the hollowness and I let her, relieved to have her close to me again.The ice filling my veins started melting with her presence.My brain started functioning.But even she couldn't rouse my dead heart.

"Ma" I whispered.Silently begging her to mend the broken parts.

Only she could.

And only she will.