FALLING HEART

34

The door to my room opened and I sat up suddenly.

Ma took one glance at the dark room and proceeded to the windows to draw the curtain back,not saying one word to me.

As the light filtered I shaded my eyes with my hands.It had been days since I last saw the light of the day.I was too far gone in my sorrow to care about anyone else.Even Ma.And I was feeling awful about it.

Whatever happened back in that house,remained with me.I was reminded of it with each breath I took.Nothing and no one could help me erase it.So I did what I could do best.I buried it deep down and let it fester.Letting it grow bigger and bigger with time till it consumed me.It swallowed up all the goodness and all the light, leaving only the bitterness.Hate.

I wasn't even aware of the change that was engulfing me.Everything that I knew to be true was disappearing slowly.And in it's place a new sensation was filling me up.A new darkness that scared me.Shook me up every time I let my thoughts venture to that dark place.

I didn't want Ma to see me like this.On verge of destroying everything she taught.So I stayed inside and tried to hide it from her.

Tried to hide myself from it.

I won't be able to bear it if she looked at me with anything but love in her eyes.I won't be able to handle her disappointment.

"How long Zairi..?" Ma asked me as she came towards me and sat down on the bed.

I looked down not ready to face the disappointment in her eyes."I gave you time to mourn but now I want my Zairi back.I don't want to see this Zairi anymore." she gestured around the room which had been dark a few moments before."I won't ask what happened.And I don't want to know it if I have to pry it out of you.I trust you.When time is right you will come to me.I'll wait till then." Ma tilted my face up with her fingers on my chin.I was ashamed of myself.I couldn't keep my promise.I couldn't make my place in their hearts.In their lives.

Shaking her head she continued "No.Those eyes should never be down.There's nothing that can make me less proud of you.You are my gem.My Strength.My Pride.So I won't have it.Now I want you up and out of this darkness.Do you hear me." I nodded my head feeling moved by her words.

Only a few words and I was ready to fight again.

The love for her leaking  from the deepest part in my heart and flowing out into the desolate places.Slowly the darkness lifted and my heart cleared.The rays of sun pierced the darkness that had my heart in it's grip.The small light then started to illuminate the darkened parts and I soared up with new rays of hope.The heavy burden lightened and I was able to breath.

I hugged her to me tightly."Now,now."Her hand kept its rhythm on my hair and I found the peace that I was craving for.I closed my eyes letting her wash over all the sadness ,all the bitterness,all the hate that had made it's home in my heart.

"So now you are going to come out and taste the delicacy that I cooked especially for you."I jerked out of her warmth for an entirely different reason.My eyes wide taking in the sweet smile on her face.Oh Ma.

How can I be responsible for wiping that smile..?

I returned it albeit a bit scared.What will I have to swallow down today.?

Ma got up ,not aware of the inner turmoil I was facing.

I kept my thoughts to myself as Ma shuffled up and out the room."Come Zairi. It will get cold.Hurry up."

I got up as slowly as I could.As if that would make any difference.One thing I knew for sure ,I'll eat the food she had cooked,savoring each bite no matter how awful I will feel afterwards.The food will definitely burn my taste buds,but the love in it will fill my heart.

My empty heart that just needed her now.

I will willingly walk through Hell if it meant it could bring a smile on her face.

A world without my Ma in it.I didn't even want to think about it.

She is the light who gives my world Life.

Without her there's no life worth living.