FALLING HEART

36 (i)

I made my way back home.

It was getting a bit congested and difficult to stay cooped up inside, all day long.It helped to get some fresh air as Ma recommended.It changed my mood considerably bringing some light into my dark thoughts that were a regular constant in my life nowadays.Being near Ma helped but they were always there hiding in some corners, ready to spring up on me.I had nowhere to run.The torment seemed never ending so it was a good idea to get out and bring the things happening lately into perspective.But no matter how hard I tried to sort them out,I just landed back to square one.

Tending Ma's herb garden brought some of the regularity,some routine in the too long days.Time seemed to move at a snail's pace and kept me waiting.For what I didn't know.But this wait was endless.Exhausting.

So to be thrown out of my own house by Ma was a shock at first and then it changed into a delight.I enjoyed the time away from the depressing thoughts that plagued me day-night.

I was about to open the door when Ma's distressed voice reached me.

"Sekra you know I cannot tell her." I stopped.

"You know that you cannot hide this from her forever. Zairi needs to know it."

Hunh..?! What are they talking about.?

There was some shuffling inside.I wanted to go inside and announce my presence but something told me to stay where I was.

"I cannot bear to see that hurt in her eyes.She will never forgive me for this." Ma's sad voice couldn't stop me any further.

I opened the door and it banged in my haste.Ma's tearful face had me running to her.

"Ma..What happened.?" I sat down by her legs and gently wiped her cheeks."Why are you crying Ma..?" I looked at Sekra for some sort of explanation. Sekra averted her eyes and turned away from me.

I looked back at ma who still had tears in her eyes."Ma,what's wrong.?Please tell me.?!"

"I think you should tell her now before she hears it from someone else." Ma looked at Sekra and wiped her tears.Nodding her head she turned to me with determination in her eyes.Pulling me up by hands ,Ma made me sit on the chair before her.

Taking both my hands she started."Zairi,you are my most precious and important one.I love you more than anything in this world.It has been my utmost and joyful pleasure in raising you.To have been a part of your life.It means more to me than you think.So before I tell you anything ,I want you to remember this.Always." Ma looked at me for confirmation.I was terrified.I didn't want to know whatever she's going to tell me.I had a bad feeling regarding it but I also knew I couldn't run away from my problems any longer.This time I had to stop and listen to her.Face it head on. I couldn't handle any more secrets.

I nodded my head slightly although afraid.Ma squeezed my hand in response and continued.

"To make you understand, I have to start from the beginning.

My Papa and Mae were young when they died in an accident leaving me the only guardian in my younger sister's life.I was eight and Trina was 2 years younger than me.We had no relatives who were willing to take the extra burden of raising two young girls in their lives so we were left behind to fend for ourselves.After the funeral no one stayed back.Apparently everyone was too busy, to deal with the hassle of the orphan children. The unwanted burden.I remember huddling with Trina,sitting in our big house all alone.It was raining heavily that day.It was so dark.Heavy dark clouds filled the sky.I had gotten up to close the window which had banged open, prying Trina's fingers away from my shirt."

 I saw Ma reminiscing that day clearly .

"We were so scared that day.There was no light in the house and the occasional lightening made those shadows on the wall.I was crying myself, unable to stop Trina's tears.We spent the whole night just like that,shivering and crying,calling for Mae and Papa.But the prayers of two blubbering girls was never answered until the next day when she arrived."