FALLING HEART

39

"Go on try it.It'll taste good.I promise."

I put on my best face and braved a bite out of the soup she had spent hours on making.What kind of soup takes hours to make exactly..?

I really didn't want to burn my taste buds at  the beginning meal of the day.I glowered at Sekra who shrugged innocently. Well she could have shrugged just delicately when she was egging Ma on trying this new recipe.Traitor.It's not like she had to taste it and all.

I took a small bite and closed my eyes immediately.The bitter taste swarmed my tongue.It stayed there because I could't force myself to swallow it down.Ma's watching.Ma's watching.

With great haste I gulped it all inside.Opening my eyes instantly I smiled huge and brightly."It's great Ma."

Ma looked at me suspiciously but not getting any other emotion on my face smiled huge herself."Really.?It's good.You are not just lying to make me feel good..?"

I shook my head before she could even complete her sentence."It's good Ma.I like what you cook."

No matter how it ruins my chances of ever enjoying a normal meal.

"Here take some more."I willingly passed her my bowl to fill it up to brim.

Can you blame me when she looks so happy.It's been days since I last saw her like that.I won't ruin it.Her smile makes me happy in turn.

The episode of the last week was left behind by both of us.Ma and me.It was just another normal day like the so many others.Ma still couldn't stop blaming herself for hiding things.I tried making her see the other side of the situation but she disagreed quite verbally I must say.That was the first time I got scolded like that by her.And that's when I decided to just keep my mouth shut and let Ma stew it over.She won't listen to any of my arguments so it was better she come out of this "self induced guilt" herself.

Me, on the other hand,was just going with the flow.Just because it hurt didn't mean I'll start inflicting it on others.Some things are best kept hidden.I didn't want Ma to worry about me on top of other things.She was already suffering so much as it is.So yeah I kept my hurt hidden inside.Deep.Not letting her get a whisk of her.I also knew that she was very well aware of the pain that was inside.She was trying to normalize it as best as she could.By smiling for me.So I had to play along for her.I had to try as well.

It wasn't like there were any other options.I was allowed to be sad but I couldn't dwell on it all my life.I just couldn't ignore all the good that awaits me.And I won't spend my life wallowing in it,crying tears of self pity.Life is too beautiful for that.

A knock on the door had me out of my thoughts.Ma looked at me with a frown.We never had many visitors.It's been like that for as long as I lived.

"Who could it be..?" I got up to answer the door when it knocked again."Sit down and finish your food.I'll get it."

Ma bounced away before I could flee the torment of finishing the soup.I sighed and dig in.Forcing the soup down in huge bites before Ma came and saw the painful process.

I could hear her talking to someone. I gulped the last bit.

Done.I carried the dishes and washed them as quickly as possible.I heard the sound of the door closing.I washed the taste away by drinking water quickly before Ma could catch me.

  Thank you Holy Mother for not making me puke it all out.  

I sat back on my chair as Ma strolled inside with a confused face staring at a white envelop in her hands.

"Who was it Ma..?" I asked as Ma sat down opposite me.

Ma looked up then and handed me the envelop."Someone from the pack came to deliver it. Kurona sent it for you."

Hearing the Pack's name had me tense and alert.Ma must have noticed it because she asked instantly "Zairi. Is everything alright..?"

I feigned ignorance as I opened the letter quickly and scanned the contents.The letter fell away from my non responsive fingers.It fluttered to ground.The name which I had forgotten,which I had decided to keep hidden in the place inside,to never look upon stared at me in bold italics.And with that name came back all the memories associated with it.They flooded inside breaking the barriers I had kept intact.Leaking out all the emotions I had suppressed.A headache started forming.My senses dulled as the pain intensified with each moment.My pulse throbbing and my heart rate kicking up.I could hear ma calling my name.

Ma.

No.Ma is there.Sitting.Watching.No No.NO.I shouted inside to quite down all the others noises.The cacophony was silenced at last.I rebuild the barriers and held on tight.I opened my eyes.When did I close them.?

I looked over at Ma's inquiring face.And I kept on staring at her,the darkness inside calming as I looked at her calm demeanor.She gave the strength to reel it all in.

"Zairi. You are scaring me now.What's in the letter..?" Ma whispered.

My eyes found the opened letter on the ground.The words taunting me.

"It's an invitation to The Future Alpha's Initiation Ceremony. Granna wants me to attend it." I said in a hollow voice.

"What..?Why didn't you tell me that Aeran was going to be the Alpha.?" I could relate to Ma's questioning stance.But what answer was appropriate here..?

That I wasn't aware of this.Even after spending all that time in the pack I still wasn't privy to any details concerning the pack members.That I didn't even knew the names of many of them.Leave the others I didn't even knew my own husband.The one I married despite her misgivings.

That I was never even accepted there.Should I tell her all.?

Should I crush her hopes just like mine were.?

I couldn't look at Ma.

"You didn't know."Ma's voice was flat.It wasn't a question but a statement that said it all."What are you not telling me Zairi. I waited but I want it all out now.You hear me.Tell me."The anger in Ma's voice was unmistakable.I knew where that anger was directed so I kept quiet which only fueled her rage more.Making her beyond furious."I am asking you something Zairiya. Answer me right now."

Ma never used my full name and that was indication enough to let me know the extent of her temper.

I couldn't handle her probing stare any more so I escaped.I ran to my room and locked it.Not ready to deal with it.

It will kill Ma.If she knows, it will kill her.

And she won't let them escape her wrath this time.