Devotion [h.s]

210

It was just a pill, a stupid pill that was suppose to make my life easier. A pill that I was just suppose to take once with some water and move on with my life. It was small, an average pill size I guess. The only side effects were some nausea, but that doesn't scare me.

Yet why did I not want to take this?

I went to the store, purchased it, literally witnessed the store getting shot up and almost risked my daughters life for this thing. This pill meant a lot, it potentially controlled our future.  If I didn't take it, I could be pregnant. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want to have another baby right now.

But yet I couldn't take this pill.

My hands were gripping the edge of the bathroom sink as I had the small capsule sitting on the counter next to a glass of water. I was leaned on my hands, staring at my future in the shape of a medication.

This was all silly, there is still the huge possibility that I wouldn't be pregnant anyway. Just because Harry happened to..arrive.. in me, doesn't mean I could get pregnant.

I mean I did the first time.

But that was beginners luck I guess. There are millions of people that try to get pregnant all the time but can't because of timing.

"Just take it." I say to myself, trying to encourage my brain.

We can't have another baby right now, we are still trying to learn how to raise one.

I grab the pill and pop it in my mouth, grabbing the tall glass of water and taking a gulp so I feel it go down my throat. I put the glass down and look at myself in the mirror, realizing I made the right decision.

But yet when I saw myself, I just saw sadness. Did I make the right decision?

Oh no.

Oh god.

What if I made the wrong decision?

Shit shit shit..

Before I could even process, I ran to the toilet and plugged my two fingers in my throat. I immediately hit my gag reflex and within seconds of gagging I threw up in the toilet.

As I finished unloading the depths of my stomach in the toilet, I breathed heavily to catch my breath. The sounds of my staggered breaths reverberated in the toilet bowl and I reached my hand up and flushed it.

God Amelia what are you doing?

I sat back on the floor, feeling tired and still borderline sick. That pack came with one pill, and after all that hassle I just ended up throwing it up.

I stood back up and bent over the sink, turning in the cold water and rising my mouth out obsessively to wash the potential regret off my tastebuds. I then decided I needed to brush my teeth to clean it properly, I don't want to walk around with my mouth gross like this n

I should've just took that pill. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I don't have one and can possibly get pregnant.

I brush my teeth and drink some more water before leaving the bathroom, my arms crossed over my stomach and my eyes watering a little bit from the gagging and whatnot.

I felt at a lost, needing to talk to Harry. He's gonna be so pissed when he knows I threw up that pill. I poked my head in Briar's room as she was still napping.

This kid sleeps a lot.

At night she likes to cry but during her naps she is like a log. I walk over to her crib and see her laying flat on her back, arms sprawled out and her mouth hanging open. Her tiny hands were in little fists as she was knocked right out.