Devotion [h.s]

281

Harry Styles

"I let you down." My voice coaxed, chills running through my body as I spoke the most devastating words, my foot tapping in anxiousness.

I dipped my head down, looking at the floor between my knees. I didn't know where to start, every word surfacing through my jumbled mind were words she didn't deserve to hear. I didn't think I was going to get to this point, that I was gonna admit such things to her when she trusted me and gave me every ounce of love she had in her beautiful soul. I always wished to turn back the clock and do things differently, but this was the worse one yet. I would give everything to shuffle back time to be a better father.

But I couldn't.

I pulled my head back up and looked at her, staring at her laying there in the same position she's been laying in for two months unbothered and alone. Her eyelids were peacefully shut, her long eyelashes bound together. I forgot how breathtaking she is, I always knew but I still get that chest tightening feeling when I see her. It was a feeling I can even describe until I feel it.

And my god she was a product of undeniable beauty.

I looked at the right of her hairline, seeing the healing pink scar from the accident. It was almost hidden from her hair, but will be on her skin for the rest of her life.

I reached my hand up and tucked a stand of hair off her forehead and behind her ear, realizing how much I missed the feeling. I wish I could hear her voice, to see her look at me. But she probably doesn't want that, not after everything she's seen me do to screw everything up.

I can't believe I haven't been here in weeks, but I knew it was because I was scared to see her when I looked like this. She was my dose of reality and maybe if I did come daily like I used to then I wouldn't of fallen this deep in my disaster.

I grabbed her fragile hand with my own, engulfing it in my soft grasp. Her hand felt warm, but nothing like how I remembered it because she wasn't holding mine back. My thumb stroked the top of her hand as I looked at her, finding it so hard to speak my faults.

"I lost our baby." Those words were enough to make my sinuses start to swell but I tried to hold it back. I couldn't break down, not right now. I needed to tell her what I did, to clearly own up to my horrible mistakes.

"I screwed up hard this time baby, and I don't know if you'll ever forgive me." I paused while looking at her peaceful state, the repetitive machine tones of her heart monitor filling the room. "I... I just wanted to not hurt anymore. I just wanted to feel something other then guilt and pain for a moment. But it was the worst decision I ever made, because the high I was giving myself was damaging everything around me. I was so selfish that I neglected our daughter, forgetting how lucky I was to have her. I-I didn't take videos of her, not at all. I told you I was going too and I didn't. Instead I turned back to my past addictions and let it consume me like the old me because that's all I knew before I met you." My voice cracked in emotion a few times, my eyes brimming.

"You'll never forgive me, I know that. I could never forgive myself, because not only did I let you down, but Briar got sent into the system because of me. I-I promised to protect her, and now she's in the one place I never wanted her to go." I held her hand tighter, feeling my heart thumping in my chest. "I went to Children's Aid, and they said I couldn't visit her until I started to claim at least a week of sobriety. They gave me so much paperwork but yet nothing was telling me when I could have her back. They won't tell me where she is being taken care at, only that I get to possibly see her in a week at Children's Aid itself. She's only been gone for six hours and yet I feel like it's been weeks. I just want her back, I screwed up so badly." I whispered, feeling the lowest I've been.