Devotion [h.s]

270

Day 51 without Amelia

Harry Styles

I laid Briar down in her crib after rocking her for forty five minutes, she was luckily going to sleep and the silence was heavenly. My ears were ringing from her constant cries and I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I could maybe even get some sleep tonight, I haven't shut my eyes in three days and I was feeling it catch up to me.

She shut her eyes as I laid her down, the feeling was almost foreign to my vision. I rarely perceive her going to sleep anymore, so she must've been really really tired.

I slowly pulled my arms back, looking at her for a moment through my stinging eyes. I watched her for a second to make sure she was really asleep, but as I was standing there I felt a wave of nausea cast over me. It hit me like brick wall because the next thing I knew I was pacing down to the bathroom.

Immediately I fell to the tiled floor and threw up all in the toilet, emptying what little amounts I had in my stomach and having the vile taste coat my mouth. I dry heaved a couple times before just falling down to the floor in weakness. This was the third time in a few days that I've thrown up, I think it was because of how destroyed my body was from the lack of everything.

I laid on my side on the bathroom door, feeling the weakest that I've ever been. My stomach ached and my body temperature was so low to the point where I was shaking mildly.

I couldn't help but imagine what it would've been like right now if Amelia was here. I try hard sometimes to fight thoughts like that because they just leave me more heartbroken. But she was a permanent asset to my mind, I thought of her hundreds of times a day.

If she was here, she would be sitting me up right about now, bringing my head to her chest and rubbing my cold back. She would stroke my hair out of my face and kiss my clammy forehead, rubbing my skin in comfort. She would've ran me a shower and got me fresh clothes while I was in it. She would've been here to comfort me, making me feel taken care of. She was the only one to ever do that to me, I never experienced something like comfort before her.

Fuck I needed to stop thinking about this.

I reached my hand up and flushed the toilet before grabbing the edge for resistance to pull myself up. I sit up and then grab the sink counter, pulling myself up again but to my feet because I was clearly too weak to do it by myself.

I stood up and felt dizzy while doing so, shutting my eyes for a second so it would go away. I peeled my eyes back open to look at myself in the mirror, running the cold tap water. I leaned down under the facet stream and rinsed my mouth out a couple times, getting ride of the vomit taste.

I didn't know what to do with my time that Briar was asleep. Do I sleep? Do I shower? Do I clean up? I was confused on what to do with anytime I had away from her. The problem was I didn't want to do anything at all. I've lost all motivation to complete any task while I actually had the time— I've given up. I just needed to feel nothing to escape this torture.

I grabbed the pills from the cabinet and did what I usually did, crushed them on the counter top so they became a powder. I pushed it all into a line before hunching over and snorting it all off the surface. I did it so mindlessly now, my sense is hesitation withering away like the conscience I once had.

The burn hit me hard as I flew back up straight and saw white spots in my eyes from the rapid transition. I looked at myself in the mirror while wiping my nose a couple times, breathing heavily through my mouth.