Holly Maddison Decker, 15 and lost. Sweet, kind, quiet, shy and observant. Abused at an orphanage, she is taught that she is worth nothing and will never amount to anything.
What happens when a group of boys from YouTube called the Sidemen visit th...
"I can't believe we're leaving tomorrow," Amber sighs, shaking her head.
"Me too. We do have to get back though," JJ says, pushing his shades further up his nose as he lays down on his towel. "Holly has school, we have work and life has to go back to normal"
I rest my chin on my knees as I look over the sea. The rest of the group are swimming and having fun in the ocean.
I've tried to be okay and join in the fun, but I can feel myself getting bad again. The feeling of anxiety surrounding having to go back to school, Sam touching me a few days ago, having to leave Aiden, it's all a lot on me mentally.
"You okay, lovey?" JJ asks, lifting a hand to rub my back.
"Yeah," I sigh, shaking my head gently. "Just...tired"
"Me too," Amber says, letting out a small yawn. "Why don't we go have a nap before the bonfire tonight?"
I nod and Amber grabs the key card from her jean shorts pocket. She leans down and kisses JJ on the lips before standing up.
"I'll see you girls later," JJ says with a smile.
Amber puts an arm around me and we walk up the boardwalk towards the bungalows. I don't say anything and listen to Amber as she talks about how much she's going to miss the Maldives. I'll also miss it, but I also kinda wanna go home to the comfort of my own room. Whenever I feel down like this, I always find myself cowering in my comfortable bed in my cozy bedroom.
***
I lay on my bed, unable to shut my eyes and nap properly.
Thoughts intrude my mind and the feeling of wanting to cry hits hard. I feel bad for feeling this way, which is why I've stayed quiet to make sure I'm not ruining the holiday for anyone. I feel like such an entitled spoiled teenager for feeling sad on a holiday to the Maldives. I should be fine. I have a family, I have access to clean water and good food, I have a home, I have the privilege to go on holiday, so why am I being so sad and ungrateful?
I sigh and feel a tear slip down my face from my closed eyes. The warmth stays on my cheek, the tear dropping onto my pillow.
Why am I like this?
I open my eyes and unlock my phone to distract myself from the urge of self-harm. I know if I had access to a razor right now, I'd be able to numb my feelings for a few hours until having to do it again.
I go onto Instagram and click on a photo Freya and Talia took of me a few days ago. After editing the lighting and pulling my stomach in a bit, I press post and put my phone down again.
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Holly_Olatunji: In Heaven 🤍💅🏻
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hannah_xrose: Pretty girl! xx
tommyinnit✅: Tell KSI to reply to my tweets or I will be sad
