Come Back With Me

I'm Not Enough

Bucky gets woken in the middle of the night by his sons' terrified cries.

He doesn't think he's ever moved so fast. He puts his arm back on and pulls a gun from the side table. Lizzie isn't there to enforce the no firearms rule.

When he gets in the nursery, he realizes there's no intruder. He thinks one of them may have had a bad dream and woken the other.

He goes to pick up JJ but he shoves his hands away from him.

"Mama mama mama mama," he screams.

Lizzie was always the one the twins wanted when they needed comfort.

He can feel tears pricking at his eyes. He wants to give his kids everything they want in the world but this is something he can't give them no matter how badly he wants to.

"Mama isn't here, baby," he says to JJ.

"Mama?" Steven asks.

He start to look around like he is trying to find her.

He can't do this. How can he tell his nine month old babies that they are never going to see their mother again?

"Mama went bye bye," Bucky says but his words crack in the middle with a sob.

"No mama?" Steven asks.

Bucky doesn't have the energy to respond so he just shakes his head.

Steven starts crying and Bucky scoops him up and holds him close to his chest.

When JJ sees his brother clinging to Bucky, he reaches for him as well. Bucky picks them up and hugs them tight.

Lizzie used to be his light through the darkness and now her light shines on through their children.

All three of them lost Lizzie and that's a hole that will never be filled but at least they have each other.

"I love you boys so much. Mama is gone but I'm going to do whatever I can to make your lives full and happy. I probably won't do a very good job but I want you to know I'll try my best," he says.

He holds his children in his arms long after they have fallen back asleep.

He sits with them in the rocking chair until the sun has risen. Eventually, he hears the back door open.

He hears footsteps on the staircase and then sees Steve pop his head through the nursery door. Steve gives him a sad smile and Bucky gets up to put the twins back in their cribs and Steve walks over to help.

Steve takes JJ carefully from Bucky's shoulder and places him in the crib. He can't get over how much his nephew looks like Bucky. He looks over at Steven and his features are so like Lizzie that he wants to cry.

The feeling he had when Lizzie died was horrible. It's been horrible every time he has to go through it. The thing is, he's sure he felt her die but he thinks he can still feel her. It's like he can feel her but she's so far away that he can hardly make her out. He thinks that she might have survived but maybe that's just his subconscious making him think that she may have to protect against the pain.

Either way, he doesn't want to tell Bucky yet that she might not be dead. If he gives him hope just to crush him again, it will be all the worse.

They get the twins down and leave the room.

They stand in silence for a moment not knowing what to say until suddenly Bucky reaches forward and pulls Steve into a hug.

Bucky knows that Steve is the only other person who will be as broken by this as he is. Of course he'll have Peggy to get him through it but he knows Steve will never recover, not fully.