Mcyt -autistic- oneshots

I'm lucky (Techno and mention of SBI+BeeDuo)

TW- use of the r word, bullying (it's more discrimination, but I can't work out how to put it)

Techno's POV:

I knew I had ADHD, I've known it for a while at this point. But only now have I found out that I'm also autistic. Guess it's something the people who diagnosed me with ADHD just didn't fancy bringing that up. But it explains a lot. The 2 overlap loads. Even I can't tell whether some things I do are ADHD or autistic traits, so how a professional who only meets me once is supposed to do it is beyond me. I don't blame them, it's just a little frustrating. Understanding I had ADHD unlocked things for me and changed the way I thought about myself. Understanding I am also autistic unlocks the world for me. 

The way I see it is that autism changes how I intake and then process the world around me, but ADHD is more to do with how my brain is made. Autism changes how it works, but ADHD changes how it exists? I don't know, it's weird, hard to understand. I thought I understood ADHD, but most parts of my ADHD that I understood are actually more related to me being autistic. Like the social side of things. I was well aware that people with ADHD could struggle socially, but it's more related to autism. Which is a shame in some ways because for years I explained to people that my struggles socially were because I had ADHD, and not because I was also autistic. They were right: I knew it too, I just didn't want to have to deal with another thing. Another part of me to learn to embrace while the world tells me it isn't welcome, so I mask it. Another part of me to try and explain to the Karen in the supermarket who is complaining that I'm wearing sunglasses because of the lights, despite it literally not affecting her.

Both conditions, if you want to call them that, make life difficult. And both make other parts of life easy. Both involve hyper focus, hence why I could farm potatoes for so long and not lose motivation. Both involve stimming, but I try not to do that because people don't really like it. Both involve my brain working in a different way, so that when I taught in the right way, I can excel at most things. However, they collide with each other too. One involves wanting to follow a routine because it helps me understand what's happening. The other involves wanting to go off the routine and do something more interesting because I get bored quickly and then I get anxious about not doing what I'm supposed to. One involves sitting in a dark room with a pair of ear defenders on because I took a 20 minute trip to a store. The other involves getting my waterproof speaker and singing in the shower at the top of my lungs because I need sensory input. Either way, it seems I lose.

I'm lucky though. I've got friends and family who are really understanding and accepting. Most people aren't so fortunate. And I know it should be the minimum, but it isn't right now. Hence why I don't stim a lot. There's always been incidents, but there was this recent one. And since then, I only really stim when I'm by myself, or in a call with the rest of the SBi. And I mean the SBI only. It doesn't have to be all of them, and the only exceptions might be Tubbo and Ranboo. Even then, it depends how confident I'm feeling.

I was minding my own business, as per usual. Taking Floof for a walk, because my dad was busy with something work related. I had headphones on, and they were blasting music at me. I'm my head I was singing, but in reality, all I was really showing to the world was this weird thing where I moved my fingers to the beats. I knew it was strange and I knew it was obvious, but I was feeling confident in myself that day, and I just wanted to stim. Stimming is nice, and it makes me feel good. Like that's the only way I can really describe it. It's like how smiling to show you are happy almost makes you a little happier. 

Anyway, so there I am. Literally just walking down the sidewalk in my neighbourhood, and I walk past this old man who looks very old and frail. I step out the way, and stand on a bit of grass to the side of him, to let him walk past. I was being polite, and it's what I had been taught to do by my parents. But I kept stimming, and because the music was loud and I was stimming, I didn't really make an effort to talk to the man. I know I should of but I didn't for once and I can't do much about it now. Instead, I looked really fed up with everything, without really meaning to. And I guess that comes across as impatient to some people? He said something I didn't quite catch. I took off my headphones and stopped stimming. "Sorry Sir. What was it that you said?"