Mcyt -autistic- oneshots

All alone (Tommy and briefly Phil)

TW-angst no comfort? (Idk if that needs a TW or not, I know a lot of people like reading theses types of stories), mention of panic attack, overthinking

Tommy's POV:

I was excited to move out. I mean, who wouldn't be! Sure, I was definitely going to miss my parents and learning to do new things was going to be difficult. But I finally had the independence I wanted.

The flat I was staying in was not the nicest, but it was fine. It was temporary. The landlord lived downstairs and what a strange man he was. And the person across the hall from me was an old lady. Despite me giving her nothing but polite smiles, I'm met with a scowl every time. So uh, maybe it wasn't quite what I was expecting , but it was fine. It was temporary.

It had been a few days of living by myself, a few days of everything being fine. I went to bed that night with the premise of waking up next morning and calling Phil so he could help me get the rest of my setup sorted. That way, I could start doing stuff for YouTube and twitch again, and things would feel a lot more like home.

But I woke up soaking wet with sweat. Checking my phone, it stated 3:00 with a screen that was far too bright. My breathing was rapid, and my head was filled with thoughts about my parents. Questions about my parents.

What if they were dead? What if I never saw them again? What if I need them? What if...? What if...? What if...? Everything came crashing down around me, crushing my in the process. I climbed out of bed, my pajama trousers had change to a darker shade of blue, and my already black t shirt hung off me in an odd fashion. Both soaked with sweat. It all made my skin crawl. I grabbed my phone, and stood there staring around my dark bedroom with a shocked look on my face, almost calling my parents. But it was the early hours of the morning, and I didn't want to wake them up. They were fine, okay, let me rephrase that, they were probably fine. Something inside me just couldn't be sure.

I left my phone on me bedside table, grabbing a towel and another set of pajamas in replacement for it. After a hot shower, I didn't feel much better. In fact, instead, I felt light headed, and sick. Like I was going to throw up. None of it was a nice feeling. But I just had to get on with it, I was an adult now. I was living on my own now. No one was there to help me, or calm me down from what was obviously a meltdown.

I stared at the sweat drenched sheets and sighed. I'd deal with them in the morning, when my brain was clearer and I felt better. For the rest of that evening, I would have to sleep on the sofa. I picked my phone up once more, and managed to find a blanket in one of my bags of clothes. It was soft, and relatively large. And it smelt like home, which made it all the better.

So, as I lay there on my uncomfortable sofa, darkness swirling around me, I could just about hear people shouting down the alley on the over side of the flats. I could feel my chest rising and falling, each breath as I started to gasp for air. "Calm down Tommy, you're fine. You can't have a panic attack anyway, not now. There's no one to help. You're all alone. Well, not alone. Yes alone."

I changed my focus, placing one hand on my forehead and another on my chest. Taking a deep breath in, I concentrated on how my hand felt on my forehead. "All alone," ringing in my head. And wow was I getting a headache. I practically crawled off the sofa onto my floor, and kept a similar position as I made my way to my AirPods and phone that were on my desk.

I put YCGMA (your city gave me asthma-Wilbur's old album) on, and that helped a little. Helped me feel less alone. Helped me feel like Will was there. Helped me a little. But only for so long and when the album ended, things still didn't feel right. So I moved on to Maybe I was Boring, and that made me feel even less alone. Will was closer to my age when he wrote that, still a way off, but a little closer. I like the lyrics in that album/Ep thing. It's all futile, it's all pointless summed my entire brain up that evening. Things were just all over the place and changing. And everyone expected me to be fine. And I had so much I wanted to do, but I couldn't do any of it. And it wasn't a girl stopping me, just my stupid autistic brain.

And that make me angry, which made me sad, and before I knew it I was worse off than I had been before listening to music.

My sofa was uncomfortable, and not long enough for my entire body to lie on. It was also in my kitchen so the air stank of pot noodles. I only really ate that and bread. I didn't have the energy or brain power to do much else. Well, I streamed. But that was only on good days, and that was because if I didn't, I might worry people (if they cared enough) and I didn't want to do that.

And so I took my AirPods out and debated between scrolling through reddit or Twitter. In the end I chose reddit. And I looked through hours of pictures of fan art, and animations. Until my phone went hot in my hand, and the sunlight started poking through my curtains in my one kitchen window. I would have been asleep by that point if it weren't for the constant worry. Weird how your brain can do so much and so little at the same time.

I checked the time: 5 am. Too early to be up, too late to try and sleep. I made a tea, got into some more comfortable clothes and sat at my desk. Staring at my screens until I found ideas of what I wanted to do. And the long wait burned holes in the back of my eyes. You could have probably smelt the burning flesh if they stench of the mould wasn't so strong. I wanted to cried as I thought that, I didn't though. I was too tired to cry.

Instead, I logged into discord and starting checking through stuff. There was a message from Phil.

You still want to call at some point tomorrow mate? It was from the night before.

Yea, when r u free?

I watched YouTube videos and looked at stuff I could do for my main and vlog channels before Phil answered. It has been 3 hours. I had bags under my eyes. My tea mug was empty. And the room was just as much of a mess as it had been for the last 2 days.

Why were you awake at 5, free to call now

Instead of answering his question, I clicked the call button and waited for him to join.

"Hey mate, you okay?"

"Yea, I'm fine. You?"

"So why were you up at 5?"

"Oh just went to the toilet, had a quick check of my phone and went back to sleep."

"Oh ok mate. You sure you're okay though?"

"Yea, yea, I'm just a little tired." If only he knew. If only Tommy had the courage to tell him.

A/n Hey. Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this.

I also kind of want to use this a/n to just say that I don't try to sexualise, infantilize or spread false information about the autistic experience. I myself, am autistic and have found so many other autistic users on Wattpad who I can relate to. I have also received messages where people thank me for writing relatable fics. I have found a lot of very lovely people through the minecraft community, and hope to make this tiny little corner of the internet a safe space, no matter what someone is going through. By also writing it through members of the minecraft community, it allows this book to reach more people, helping to educate more on autism. More than this, writing is something that has saved me. It has given me a chance to express myself, and a thing to keep me going when things have got hard. If my writing can provide someone else with something similar, then I would be immensely happy. That's my main aim.

If ever you don't feel a piece of my work does the things I have listed, please tell me. And with that said, my dm's are always open. If you have an issue with something I've posted, or just need someone to talk to, I can promise to do my best to help.

Thank you so much for 40k and all the recent support. It means the world. (Go check out my other book an autistic Tommy and older brother Tubbo, SBI adoption story, if you'd like, a new chapter has just been posted on it!)