The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Truth .34

Emilia

Our big summer vacation we planned was to go to Thailand. It's a place I haven't been before but always wanted to go. So we rent out a little hut for a week in the city of Chiang Mai and immerse ourselves in the culture. There was incredibly beautiful Buddhist temples that's been around for hundreds of years and waterfalls and so many authentic shops and restaurants. I couldn't wait to dive right in.

But before we get to do any of that I decided to fulfill a promise I made to my grandpa. He was cremated and requested we spread part of his ashes wherever it was we decided to go. So I grab Jon and the kids and we find a little pond by the hut we were staying in. We sit around it as I place the vase on the ground.

"Can I say a few words" Jasmine asks and I smile.

"Of course sweetie" I assure her. Jon wraps his arm around her shoulder for comfort and I smile. Those two were really something.

"I just wanted to say that I didn't know great grandpa George all that long but he was still one of my favorite people. He was kind, accepting, and always had the good candies hidden under his bed. In my short time with him I learned what it meant to be a good person. You can cuss a lot and still be a good person. And you can make mistakes and still be a good person. He helped me see that even though I'm scared to grow up and go to middle school that I'll be okay. Assured me that even if, or when I make mistakes it'll be okay. I will still be a good person" she says.

"That was very sweet Jasmine, thank you" I smile as I wipe a tear from my eyes.

We all say some words before spreading his ashes. I'm not sure if I should do this here but grandpa wasn't much for rules anyway. We get to help him be defiant one more time.

I feel a tear drop to my face and as soon as it does I feel a warm hand on my face. Jon softly wipes the tear away as I let out a sigh.

"I wish I wasn't such a sappy mess every time I think about him" I chuckle.

"It's just affirmation that he was one of the good ones" he assures me.

"I feel like I should be feeling better by now. That my mind should be set here in the beautiful city with so many wonders awaiting. I mean I literally brought him here with me. But I still can't help but feel like he should still be here. It was his time, maybe even past it, but I just wish he could actually be here" I shake my head.

"In a way he is. And not in the ashes we most likely illegally just tossed into a private property pond but in you, in me, in Jasmine and Ken. We all get to carry around his memory and everything he stood for. That's pretty special" he comforts me.

"How are you so good at this? Like how do you know what to say" I wonder.

"Truth is I don't. But I have a lot of the same feelings you have, to a lesser extent. It's stuff I think I would want to hear if I was you. And not just some bull shit words that don't mean anything. I mean every word I say to you. I know better than to try and feed you crap. You're way to emotionally intelligent to buy into that stuff. But I know you have a wide open wound right now and the best way I can be here to help is to be here for you as it closes" he explains.

"Well I'm happy you are. I love you" I remind him as he gives me a smile.

"I love you too" he promises.

After we say our final goodbye it was time to vacation. I take Jasmine into the little town square to go shopping. She had quite the eye and taste for fashion. I should have known from the way she designed her room or even before that when all her notebooks and binders were decorated. She doesn't know what she wants to be when she gets old but she wants to be in some kind of creative medium and I think she should do it.

"Oh Miss Emmy, you just have get these" she says picking up a stunning pair of gold earrings. Certainly more flashy than anything I would wear but they're super pretty and hand made from an native here.

"Those are stunning! You think I can pull them off" I wonder as I take them from her.

"Of course! Gold with strawberry blonde hair is a perfect match. Plus I don't think I have ever seen you treat yourself to anything. Buying yourself these earrings is the least you could do" she claims.

"I buy myself things" I scoff.

"What was the last thing you bought for yourself" she accuses.

I sit there and think and then I have a realization of some types. My grandpa warned that I if I lived my life for everyone else one day I'll look around and I'll have nothing for myself. And he's right, I couldn't remember the last time I bought a cute top just because or something to put up in Jon and I's room that was special to us. It's always things I get for the kids or for Jon because giving makes me happy. There's nothing wrong with that. But it shouldn't get to the point where I don't remember the last time I got myself anything.

"What dress do you think will go with these earrings" I ask Jas as she lights up. She pulls me around the little shop picking out stuff that she thinks would look good with my earrings. I try on all the outfits she picked out because I knew it would put a smile on her face. A kind of mother daughter bonding we really haven't had the time for. She's older than Ken and in a way she's helping us raise him too. Watches over him when we need it and is trusted in the kitchen on her own. She's wise beyond her age but only because she's had to be. Now we can just pick out outfits and enjoy the smaller things in life like having our own fashion show in Thailand.

After spending way too much on things for the boys and Jas and yes, even myself, we head back to the hut. We find Jonny and Ken on facetime with his parents and I smile. This family lost a big part of us yet we seem closer than ever.

"How was the shops" Jon asks as he hands the phone to Kenny. He pulls me into a short kiss making me smile.

"It was good. I actually got something for myself" I admit as he gasps way too over dramatically. "Well don't act too surprised" I laugh.

"I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure the only thing you buy for yourself are your lady products and that's only so you can live comfortably. So to hear you bought... wait a dress? I want to see you in the dress" he says lowly as I roll my eyes.

"And to think I finally got something just for myself" I tease.