The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Resolutions .60

Jonathan

Since I was a teenager New Years was the holiday I got drunk and usually didn't remember the next day. Never really cared much or gave it any thoughts. You're supposed to bring in the new year the right way and set goals but to be completely honest, I never made a resolution. Never had a reason to. But now as I look at what the next year brings to me I realize I can't just jump into the new year all Willy nilly. I needed to think about my future, prepare for it. 

"Kids are so... deep" Emmy says as she sits at the island in the kitchen. She had breakfast ready and all her school papers out as she worked. I told her we can turn Jasmines old room back to a office but she insisted to use it as a bedroom just in case someone needed help.

"What are you reading" I wonder as I grab my orange juice from in front of her.

"I had them write New Years resolutions. But just goals they had for the upcoming year but how they will come about these. The problem with resolutions is a lot like praying. It's "I want this" or "I need" but never "I'm going to". When we pray that's half the fight, god isn't going to give you what you want, but he will guide us. That's what he's there for. And these resolutions can't be spoken and then all of the sudden they're there. Having a goal is a part of the fight, but it's just the beginning. There's a middle and end too and without them there is no goal. I mean you didn't wake up in the NHL you worked your ass off.

So before the kids went on break I had them tell me their New Years resolution and I would read them on New Year's Eve. See what they wanted to accomplish this year. And it's nothing like what I was expecting" she explains.

I stand behind her as I lean over her. I read some of the things and she was right, this was deep.

"Who is Heather" I wonder as I pick up the paper. There wasn't many words on the paper but what few was were powerful.

"I know we're not supposed to have favorites, but she's mine. She doesn't speak a lot but she writes, she writes like Jane Austen. Incredibly gifted student, her mind retains unlike any kid I've taught. She could have skipped a grade but prefers staying with her friends. Her dreams are simple but they're layered. Beautiful" she explains.

"To be honest I'm not quite sure what her resolution is" I admit. I just knew it painted a beautiful picture.

"She wants peace. And not in the way there's not outer conflict but no inner conflict. She wants to feel at peace with the decisions she makes and how they play out. The line "peace cannot be kept by force but can be achieved by understanding" might not seem like it makes sense. But it does.

The people who claim to be peace makers cannot make peace. You cannot force peace no matter how much you meditate or how much good you do. Peace cannot be kept by force because peace isn't something we control. It's something we are. And the only way to achieve peace jt to understand it, what are part is. Peace is realizing what we can control and how we maintain a state of mind. A form of self a realization where we know that we are a part of this world for a reason, and if we fight it or try to change something not meant to be changes we can't find peace. We can't make it" she explains.

"Maybe if you explain taxes to me I would understand that too" I tease as she giggles.

"Understanding is key here" she admits.

"So what about you? What's your New Years resolution" I wonder.

"I like what Heather said. I think I want to work on my inner peace this year. So much changed last year I feel like I never really got to see how much of it effected me. I want to be the best teacher, best mom, best girlfriend I can be" she claims.

"And what if you're more than a girlfriend" I wonder as she looks at me weird.

"I'm going to need you to elaborate bush guy" she says and I laugh.

"It wouldn't be that crazy of an idea if I proposed. I just want to make sure that's something that you would be okay with. A New Years resolution if you will, a plan and all" I try.

She turns around in the chair before she grabs my waist. She pulls me into him her as my hands grab her chin. "All I want from this year, and every year after, if your love. Your time. And your mind. And I plan on doing everything I can to show you that you are everything I hoped for and more. As long as I have you then I am at peace with whatever is going on in my life.

So yeah, I think we could work on a marriage. Get our puzzle pieces a d put them where they're supposed to be" she admits.

"Really" I squeal.

"Yeah Jonny" she laughs.

I pull her into a short kiss then she pulls me back into a not so short kiss. I hold her face as I get lost in the idea of her. What a great person to spend the rest of my life with.

We drop Kenny off at the baby sitters and head to a night club down town. This wasn't Emilias scene by any sense but she agreed to come out and celebrate the holiday with me. She looked painfully good in a black skirt and a gold tank top that showed off her gold butterfly necklace perfectly. Her mlk g brown hair curled falling down her back like a waterfall. Chicago is home to beautiful sight but none more beautiful than her.

We dance the night away and she keeps me grounded so I don't get carried away. It rings midnight and I quickly press my lips to hers forgetting we were in public. As he fingers get tangled in my shirt I realize I too had a New Years resolution. I wanted this year to be one of which I become the best best version of myself. And in order to do that I need her by my side.