The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Missing .55

Jonathan

After a long twelve sleeps away from the city, away from my home, I finally get back to where I'm supposed to be.

But as soon as I get home I get hit with a curve ball. One that you swing at 100% of the time and miss 100% of the time. As soon as I got through the doors I get sat down and told that the next day Jasmine would be returning to her mom and won't be staying with us anymore. Emilia did try to fight it but she didn't want to make things harder than they already were for Jasmine. And as much as I didn't want her to go I know that she wasn't going to stay forever. I just wish I knew that our time was coming to a close because there's more I would have done with her.

I always knew this day was coming, she was never ours to keep. From the very start we were made aware that this day would come. But it's been so long and we've been through so much together I guess a part of me wanted to act like this day wouldn't come. That she would be with me until we sent her off to college. This pill was almost impossible for me to swallow.

But her mom got herself a good job and a place not too far from the school. The man that once threatened her was out of their life and her mom proved that she was capable of rasing Jasmine. Would she be better off with Emmy and I? Maybe, but this wasn't a decision for us to make. This is what is best for Jas and she deserves to be with her own mother and her siblings. To see them and receive their love. Her mom did everything she needed to in order to protect her daughter and this was her reward.

We let Jasmine keep a lot of things here at the apartment. Her room will be ready for her if she wants a sleepover or just needs a quiet place to study. This was home for her too. But she packed up everything she needed and was about to go back to her mom. I find myself struggling to let go of the one person in this world I saw as my daughter. She might not look like me or share the same blood but she was mine. Always will be.

"I'm gonna miss you Jon, maybe the most" she says softly as I grab her pictures off the wall. A tear hits my cheek as I turn to her.

"Oh I can't wait to rub that in Emmy's face" I tease as she laughs at me.

"Emmy saved me, you made me feel worth saving. I can't put into words what these past five momths were like. I went to places I would have only saw in history books if it wasn't for you guys. I met people I will never forget.

But most of all you guys taught me what it means to have a home, to have a family. I'll never forget that. The game nights and Emmy letting me help cook dinner and tucking Ken in. Every second I spent with you helped build a future for me. I know I can be whatever it is I set my heart on because you guys showed me that I could.

I wish I had the words to properly thank you, but nothing could do me justice. I love you guys with my whole heart and I cannot wait to be with you guys again" she insists.

"I know you don't belong here forever, it was never your intentions to stay, but it doesn't make this any easier. You will always be my little girl, you can't keep me from your basketball games and I expect to see you and your family at as many hockey games as possible" I threaten.

"We're there" she smiles.

Once all her things were packed we send them off. I embrace her one more time before she was gone and I squeeze as tight as I can without hurting her. I simply wasn't ready to let go but I didn't have much of a choice. As soon as I do she was loaded into the car and taken away. A tear stains my face as I watch them drive away.

"I just got back and now I have to say goodbye to her. It isn't fair" I sniffle. I feel Ken wrap his arms around my leg and I did feel a little better.

"That little girl knows what it means to be loved as deeply as you loved her. And now she can be to her family as she was to ours. She can help her siblings grow. She is in a position to help her mom with cooking and cleaning and anything else. And she's only capable of doing so because she was here with us" Emmy assures me.

"She has to come back" I beg.

"She will. When you need her most she will be here" she says.

Emmy pulls me into her chest and I let it out. Crying wasn't going to fix anything but I finally got home expecting for my family to be here and now a piece of me is missing.

"Why does it hurt so bad" I whimper.

"Because baby, she was exactly who you needed even though you didn't know it. You weren't looking for her but she found you. The relationships we don't intend to make, the ones that just fall into place, those relationships are real. As real as you and I. It's going to hurt but she's not gone. We're going to see her again. She can come to games and hang out and have sleepovers. She's not gone she is just needed with her family" she tries to calm me down.

"Can we go get ice cream" I sniffle as she laughs.

"Yeah. You can get as many scoops as you want" she promises.

So we take off and the ice cream does help a little. But I still can't help but feel like part of me is missing. It might have just been five months but she changed my life. There's still things I had planned for us and I don't even know if it can happen. She's where she's belongs but I can't help but miss her.

"Are you okay" Emmy asks as she rests her hand on mine.

"Yeah. Or at least I will be. I'm sure we will have more kids running through the apartment knowing you" I accuse.

"Most likely. But remember, we're not just changing their lives. They're changing ours too" she says

"Yeah. I guess they do" I smile.