The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Forever .50

Jonathan

Though the season is still young the losses always seem to be harder to swallow this time of the year. You always want to come out of the gates as fast as you can. Rack up the points so you have time to figure out some of the other things later when other teams are still worried about points. Last year we came out of the gates miles ahead of everyone. They were never catching up. This season the start was more like a stumble out of the gates.

Being the captain I feel a lot of the weight on my shoulders. It's my responsibility to hold the players accountable and be a example myself. If I'm not performing well or backing up my words I can easily loose a locker room. And I haven't had much trouble with that in my short carrer. Of course I have guys in this locker room wiser and more seasoned than me that help me keep everyone straight. But in the end the team and it's performance falls on me.

Sometimes that weight is too much to carry. Especially in a stretch of games where nothing is going right. It's hard to do what we do and I need to not worry about what I cannot control. But they're asking for answers I just don't have. I couldn't tell you why the bounces aren't going our way or how the penalty kill fell off. Not much has changed since last year but expecting what we did last year to come out this year is impossible.

After another tough loss I shower and grab my things. It was a late night flight back to Chicago tonight and I wasn't in the mood for much of anything. I throw my headphones on and keep my head down for people to know not to talk to me. They get the memo and leave me be until we get back to the city. I thank the workers who stay with our stuff or keep us safe and head on home.

It's a Wednesday night about 3 am so I know the kids are tucked in and Emilia was fast asleep to get ready for school in the morning. So I drink a glass of water and brush my teeth before changing and crawling into bed. I wrap Emmy up in my arms and she stirs a little. She holds me back and I smile to myself.

A few minutes pass and she doesn't say anything so I'm sure she went back to sleep. I watch her lay there just simply existing but still making me feel so wanted. So loved. I run my fingers through her hair as I let out a sigh.

"I know you're asleep right now but I really could use a pair of listening ears. But I know you're listening, you always are. You're able to do what you do because you don't pick and choose what to hear but listen to all that there is. I think part of me wants to be more like that. More like you.

I love the person I am when you're around. I don't feel judged or like a burden. I feel wanted... I feel heard. I know I can tell you what is on my mind and you won't laugh at me or tell me I don't need to be worrying about things that aren't hockey. You encourage me to follow up on my ideas and act on what makes me happy instead of letting it rattle around in my mind. No one has done that for me. No one has challenged me to see the world in a different way or to make my place in it something more than a hockey player.

You're the only person in this world who makes me feel like no matter what happens out there, you still think that I am a good guy. I can come home and just take a look at you and feel better. You always know what to say to make me feel better and the person I am with you around, that's my favorite version of me ever. I wish I could always be like that but I know that being out there means there is certain expectations. I can't let my guard down with other people but at least I have you" I say softly.

She rolls over in my arms with the biggest smile on my face. "You were awake the whole time" I accuse.

"I wasn't going back to bed before telling you that I love you. Though from the sounds of it you already knew that" she teases.

"I did. And I'm thankful for your love. It gives me strength when I don't feel strong" I say.

"I'm sorry you don't feel strong right now. We stayed up to watch the game and I wish so much of what happens out there doesn't fall on you. You give 100% every single time you hit the ice. That's more than we should ever ask for.

I'm happy you feel safe with me. I feel safe with you too. I didn't really know who I was until you were in my life. And I hate how I feel when you're away. It seems selfish to want to keep you to myself when so many depend on you. But no matter what happens out there I'll always be waiting for you" she promises.

I quickly press my lips to hers as she meets my aggression. Her fingers dig into my bare back and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. All the pain and troubles seem to melt away and I am thankful I found my muse.

She rolls over so she was on top of me as she straddles my waist. I grip her hips tight as I pull her close. Her lips don't leave mine as my heart beats harder and harder. What I would give to stay in moments like this forever.

"Jonny" she whispers on my lips sending shivers down my spine.

"Yes love" I reply.

"I want to spend forever with you" she says as she stays leaning over me. The gold necklace hanging catching the light from the window.

"Forever it is" I promise.