The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Lost .54

Jonathan

As November comes to a close the circus trip wraps up. It's been a little less than two weeks we've had to be away and honestly it's been awful. I've never had to spend much time away from Emmy and the kids. For a while they were always around and I relied on that. Game nights and home cooked meals and just laying with someone you feel so deeply for. It all feels so distant and I didn't want it to anymore. I've never missed someone like I miss them right now. It was such an awful feeling but there isn't much I can do.

I sit in my hotel room as I flip through the pictures on my phone. I think back to all the good times I had and wish like hell I could go back. Feel like I did in these moment when I felt nothing but love. God I would do anything to see Em roll her eyes at me or hear Ken try to burp as loud as he can or listen to Jas try to play her flute even though she is god awful.

"You look like someone killed your dog" someone says and I look up. I see Patrick standing in the door frame between our two rooms. I thought I locked that thing.

"Why are you here Patrick" I ask making him gasp.

"Is that any way to talk to your best friend" he asks as he places his hand over his heart.

"I'm really not in the mood for your shit right now"'I admit.

"Why? Emilia realize you suck and she broke up with you" he asks.

I just look up at him as I shake my head. "Okay that was a bad joke" he admits. "But I don't have a lot to work with."

"My problems have nothing to do with you" I remind him.

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me. And as you know I am very persistent" he reminds me.

"Like a leach sucking the life out of you" I admit as he smiles proudly.

He sits down on the couch next to me before taking my phone out of my hand. He sees the picture of Emmy laying in bed next to me from the other day sitting on my phone and he smiles at me.

"Jonny and Emmy kissing in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-" he starts before I snatch my phone back.

"Alright I'll talk but you leave as soon as I do" I threaten.

"Deal" he smiles.

I let out a long sigh as I shake my head. Here goes nothing. "I thought I had been in love before, and maybe I was, but I never had a feeling like this. Like I'm lost without her. And it scares me just how much I feel like I need her. I can't imagine my life without her. It sucks because all I want is her skin on mine, her fingers tangled in my hair and her body molded with me. I feel like I'm going crazy not hearing her voice that's as soft as silk.

Being away, it makes my bones ache. I can feel how much she misses me, almost as much as I miss her. I don't want to be clingy but I hate this space between us. I know every good relationship is strong enough to withstand stuff like this but I don't want to tolerate this. I want it to be over.

I'm not worried about her cheating or not missing me too. That was never a concern for me. I'm more worried about her realizing that I'm gone a lot and not wanting to fight through periods of time like this" I confess.

He places his hand on my back as he lightly pats it. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't get any easier" he claims.

"Great" I groan.

"But... it is worth it. I can tell how much you love her, how much she means. Your guys connection transcends space and time. It's bigger than that. And all that means is whatever you guys have is special. That's all the more reason to hold on and never let go" he insists.

"I just wish she was here" I whisper. I bite my bottom lip to hold back the tears.

"We're almost done bud. After tomorrow nights game we will be headed home and you can roll over in bed and be able to feel her for the first time in a long time. It'll all be worth it" he promises.

"Thanks Pat. I guess you're not a totally worthless friend" I assure him as he chuckles.

"Yeah well believe it or not I really do want you to be happy. I know I give you shit but you're one of my best friends. Someone who I want to see do good and pushes me to be better every day. We're in this together and I just hope we get to continue to do great things" he admits.

"Who do you think is getting married first" I ask as he scoffs.

"You for sure lover boy. You're so whipped that I'm surprised you don't have a ring already" he chuckles.

"I thought about it. It's almost been a year, and I can't imagine my life without her. I know she wants the same last name as me and Ken and she wants to be with me forever. But marriage isn't as simple as people make it. We don't need to be married to be validated but I do want our love to be on display. It's beautiful and I can't wait to one day see it all around. We can have kids of our own and continue to foster. Spend our summers traveling the world and the winters changing lives. It would be a honor to marry her" I insist.

"Sounds like all you need is a ring" he claims.

"I actually have a idea. George gave me her grandmas ring but it's way too big for Emmy's hand, that's why she's never worn it. But I'm thinking I take the stones out and put them in a new design so it's still sentimental but special for us" I explain.

"All I know is that I better be the best man or we're no longer friends" he accuses.

"In the party for sure. But I think my brother might have you beat" I say.

"Your brother doesn't bust into your hotel room to help you with your problems" he reminds me.

"Even more of a reason to put him above you" I joke.