The Burden Of Love (Jonathan Toews)

Love. 6

Emilia

As February rolls around I get to decorate my classroom with red hearts and talk to the kids about something they care about. They're 10 years old, they don't know anything about falling in love. Having them write each other Valentine's Day cards seems a bit... mature. But they do have feelings and I make it my mission to make sure that they know it's okay to have them even if they don't know why they're there.

So for today's activity I have them write about something they love then they would read them to the class. Love isn't just important to have but it's important to know it's nothing to be ashamed of either. And it doesn't have to be romantic love, it can be materialistic or friendly or silly. Sammy wrote about his love for his mother and Janet wrote about her love for dance. Khalil wrote about his love for his pet dog and James wrote about his love for Khalil.

Among the things I try to teach that can't be found in lesson plans, I focus a lot on boys and their feelings. When they show emotion we don't tell them to man up, we ask them to explain why they feel these emotions. What makes my grandfather a great man was the fact he didn't try to deny his emotions simply because he was a man and he should "toughen up". His love for my grandma spanned through decades because he was never afraid to show his love for her. And he never felt less like a man because he loved his wife and his friends and his life. It gave him power just as it can give power to the little boys of this class.

"Ew! James loves Khalil" Janet yells out to the class after he reads off what he wrote and the other kids start to laugh. Khalil looks sad because someone loved him and they were getting made for of it. And James all of the sudden felt like his feelings were wrong. Both him and Khalil were embarrassed for loving their friend but I was about to assure them they have nothing to be ashamed about.

I calm the class down before sitting in a seat next to Janet. I can tell she was nervous she was in trouble but she wasn't. There is no controlling what the kids say but we can inform them why their words can hurt. But they can also heal.

"Can you tell me why James' love for Khalil is gross to you" I ask.

"He's a boy. Boys can't love boys" she claims.

"Says who" I wonder.

"My dad" she claims.

"But our feelings are our own and the maker of right and wrong is you, the only person who needs to approve of your love is who experiences what you've experienced and knows what you know. Your dad won't understand the love that Khalil and James have for each other just as their dads won't know your love for dance. Love is love, we shouldn't contain it or limit it simply because someone's opinion is formulated differently. No one person dictates what's right and what's wrong, it's up to you to decide what you believe regardless of what has been told to you.

There's nothing wrong with loving in ways that isn't universal. Your dad doesn't have to believe it's right for it to be right. What about you? Do you think James and Khalil can't love each other because they're boys" I wonder.

"Well, no. I know James and Khalil are good friends and they play video games together every weekend. There's nothing gross about that" she admits.

"I for one think it's great that James loves Khalil, for love will take them farther than anything in life. I encourage the love, and for you to love too. What is a life without love, even if it's simple love? And even if it's love love" I tease as she starts to giggle. "Your feelings aren't what make you weak, ignoring them or denying them, that's what makes you weak. Don't let someone tell you who or what you can and can't love. If you feel it in your soul, embrace it. For love is the greatest thing we can ever call our own" I tell the class.

"I love you Miss Emmy" Janet tells me.

"I love you too sweetie" I smile.

We finish writing our love letters before reading them out loud and Kenneth helps me hang them up. For the foreseeable future he's stuck coming to work with me but I don't think he minds. The kids in my class have been super sweet and some of them read to him during quiet reading or let him sit with them at lunch when he's too cool to eat with me. I got lucky with him, I know it shouldn't be this easy but I'm not complaining that it is.

After a fun day I send the kids home and I grab Kenneth before we go back to the apartment just outside the city. We get in and shed our layers before deciding what to do tonight. Kenny said he wants to watch a movie and I think that's a great idea. So I pull out the blankets and we make a fort on the floor in front of the TV. I find the unhealthy snacks I have stored away for movie nights and toss them in our fort. We go under and decide to watch Up because it was such a cute movie. 

About halfway through the movie my phone goes off and I find it stuck under a pillow. I see Jonathan calling so I excuse myself to answer it.

"Hey" I start as I lean against the wall. I watch as Kenny tries to sneak some twizzlers out of my pile of treats I made for myself. Little stinker.

"Hey Emmy. How was your day" he wonders and I smile.

He had been gone for a few days so he's made it a habit to call me when he knows I'm not at work. He always asks about my day and how I'm doing. And I know that is the bare minimum but it's nice. The only person I talk to outside of school is my grandfather and each day I know I'm closer to the end of being able to talk to him. It's nice to know someone out there wants to know how I'm doing.

"It was good. I talked to a bunch of ten year olds about love. It went just about how you expected it to" I admit as he laughs.

"You're a bold one. Most people my age are still scared to talk about that" he claims.

"There's nothing to be scared of" I assure him.

"How do you know" he asks.

"Well, love is in everything we do. We wake up because we love to watch our favorite sports team. We go to sleep because we love to dream. We love to cook, dance, talk to friends, play hockey, watch movies. For if we didn't love then what's the point" I question.

"I swear you're like Gandhi or something" he claims as I laugh.

"I'm not a deity. Just someone who wants everyone to feel like a someone" I insist.

"That's more powerful than what most people in this world can do" he says.

"Maybe. But I don't like to think about it. Take it a day at a time" I say.

"These days seem like forever until I can see you again" he says softly. A large smile comes across my face because of course it does. This time I don't have to hide it though.

"When are you home" I wonder.

"The day before Valentine's Day" he tells me.

"Well that kind of works itself out, doesn't it" I tease.

"Always seems to when it comes to you" he claims.

"Is this a second date" I ask.

"Yeah. We're gonna do something a little more exciting than sitting around a table" he assures me.

"Whatever it is I am sure I'll love it. As long as I get to do it with you" I assure him.

I let him talk to Kenny for a little before he had to go. I sit back down and Ken crawls into my lap. He makes himself comfy before grabbing a hand full of popcorn and stuffing it in his face. I smile as I softly run my fingers through his hair.

I might not be this kids mother, but I loved him like my own. I don't know if he'll stay with me, maybe his mom will come back or another relative will find him. My time with him is a question Mark. But every moment with him counts and I'm going to make sure he knows it.