Y/N Romanoff

Chapter 31 - The talk

TW: PTSD, Rape, SH, Suicide Thoughts

IN GARDEN WITH KARA

Kara: Y/N, what is going on? I've known you for awhile and this is way outside of your normal self. I know that a lot has happened this past year but please talk to me.

Y/N: There's so much going on and I just can't keep up being strong anymore. I am anxious all the time and I get panic attacks out of nowhere. I just feel like a burden to everyone now and can't seem to protect myself from getting attacked or kidnapped. I never want to be around anyone for a long period of time and that means dad's side of family, the Avengers, even mom and Wanda. I don't feel like myself and I don't know how to change it. At times, I feel like if I am not here, then no one would have to worry about me and would be better without me but I'm not strong anymore and I feel like a loser. I hate myself for feeling this way. *Starts to tear up* What do I do? I started to feel like this right after I found out that I had cancer. I feel like my life is over as well because I can't have kids now and that's all I ever wanted. I hate HYDRA, I hate the Red Room, I hate all the PTSD and trauma I have and I see the way that everyone looks at me. I hate it.

Kara: If you are no longer her, everyone would be hurt and I know that I would miss my best friend. Why don't you talk to Alex or Bruce about possibly going on some meds for the anxiety and also the depression. I can tell you that no one is perfect. Not even me. I have been through the thoughts as well. Those thoughts happen just about every few months when things don't go right at work for me but I am on meds and Alex helped me. You have so many people that love you and that are there for you even when you don't think that they are.

Y/N: Thank you Kara. I don't know what I would do without you, Alex, mom, dad or even Wanda in my life. I think that you are right. I think that I need to but am I going to like the person that it changes me into or someone else? The meds might be what I need but will they mess with my powers though?

Kara: Alex can help out with that. She did for me. Should we go back inside and talk with Alex, Wanda and Nat? They are all worried and confused by what happened at lunch.

Y/N: Yah, sure why not. They need to know what's going on as well

Kara stands up and then helps you up and the two of you start to walk back inside. Wanda comes running up to you and hugs you.

Kara: Hey, where's Alex and Nat?

Wanda: Alex went to the lab and Nat went to workout

Kara: Hey FRIDAY, can you please tell Alex to meet us in Y/N & Wanda's room as well as Nat please?

FRIDAY: Yes Ms. Danvers. I just let them know. Anything else for you?

Kara: No, thanks FRIDAY. That was it

After you, Kara and Wanda walk upstairs to your room, you sit on the bed with your back to the headboard, Kara takes a seat in the chair and Wanda sits on the end of the bed with your feet on Wanda's lap and she decided to rub your feet until they all heard a knock.

Kara: Come in

In comes Alex and Nat. Nat sits on the end of the bed next to Wanda and Alex sits up at the time with you. Kara looks at you and can tell that you are nervous but gives you a "it's ok" head nod.

Alex: Are you ok? I know we have been asking you that a lot lately but you have seem to be off more lately and I can't lose you. Please talk with us. I'm guessing the talk with Kara helped some.

Y/N: Yes, it did a lot actually. First off, I want to say thank you and that I am sorry for zoning out at lunch. Wanda, I did hear you but I wasn't truly ready to talk to anyone. I know that I need to but I think that Kara is right. Alex, I'm going to ask you something that is really hard for me to ask for. I'm asking to be put on to anxiety and depression meds.

Alex: Yes, I can help with that. Can I ask why though?

Y/N looks at Kara and Kara nods and mouths it's ok tell them

Y/N: The reason I am asking is because I feel like a burden to everyone that loves me. I have many thoughts of suicide but don't have a plan to do it. I am anxious all the time. I feel like my life is over because of what happened. I know what I said and everything but it's just now hitting me and I am scared that I can't defend myself anymore. Hydra & Red Room really messed me up badly and I just really don't want to be around anyone including you guys because I can feel the pain that you guys have for me and the hurt that is in your eyes. I don't mean to be distant but I am trying to fight the urge to be alone all the time but then I just feel bad and end up fighting with myself.

Alex: I will help. I'm guessing by the look on Kara's face, she told you about her being on meds as well and her being here has helped.

Y/N: Yes she has. Wanda & mom, I'm sorry and I'm sorry that I didn't come to you and I've been keeping it inside and hiding it from you. Kara, thank you so much.

Nat: Will you at least promise from now on to tell us please?

Y/N: Yes. I do have a question for you guys though.

Wanda: What's up love?

Y/N: When can I train again? It's been weeks and I can feel my powers starting to loose control on some.

Alex: Light training like 45 minutes for the first week then after the first week, reevaluate how you are feeling and you can go back to training full duty. Sounds good?

Y/N: Yes. Thank you

Wanda: We can start tomorrow with me with powers. Kara can even join if she would like.

Nat: But you are not and I mean it, you will not be doing any more training that is more than 3 hours. No more 4-6 hours of training. Do you hear me?

Kara: Wait? You told me that you trained for 8 hours

Y/N: Seriously, Kara?! Yes that was 8 hours of training and strength training myself. That was the same day that I broke down in your arms mom when you came in and stopped me. I was already actually 6 hours into training and still had 2 hours to go when mom came in and stopped me.

Wanda: Why bubs? You never train that much. Why that day?

Y/N: I was getting anger out and was just trying to forget all the pain that I was putting on you and mom about what happened. I felt worthless at that point to anyone and I guess I still do at times.

Nat: Y/N, look at me. *you look at her* Listen to me ok? You are not worthless, not one bit. You are safe with us. You are strong, caring, beautiful and courageous. You love everyone and everyone loves you.

Y/N nods her head and smiles. Alex, Kara, Wanda, and Nat all get up and give you a big, great group hug. You let a tear fall and smile while saying Thank you.

Alex: How about we go to the lab and I get the right combo of meds for you?

Y/N: Sure as long as Wanda can come?

Alex: Always

Alex, Wanda and you all walk down to the lab and you sit on the lab table with Wanda next to you

Alex: Ok, I know you hate needles, but I need a little blood so that I can get the right combo to make sure they work with your powers. I'm going to use a little numbing cream to help, ok?

Y/N: Ok *then grabs Wanda's hand and squeezes it and barries your head into Wanda's side*

Alex: All done and here *hands you a watermelon sucker*

Y/N: Ya! Thanks Alex *Takes sucker*

Wanda: *Laughs* Your funny and cute *kisses you*

Alex: Give me like 2 hours and I will bring you some ok to the room.

Wanda: Sounds good but knock first please? I want Y/N right now to myself

Alex: Ok have fun

Y/N: FRIDAY, please soundproof my room.

FRIDAY: All done Ms. Y/N Maximoff

Wanda: Really? I thought I was taking yours