It takes two | Sirius Black

66.

Sirius just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. Part of him is positive it's just his paranoia. He's so scared of anything happening to Phoenix and Marlie that his mind is constantly jumping to conclusions, he's always on edge- waiting for one of them to get hurt. Part of him believes it could quite possibly be parental instinct. He just knows something is going on. Can he even have parental instinct though? He hasn't been there for the majority of their lives and if he did have parental instinct, then Zion would still be alive. If he was a half decent parent he would never have caved and allowed Zion to follow into battle. Zion would still be alive if he had parental instinct. He can't seem to rid himself of the persistent inkling that something is going on with both Marlie and Phoenix, so he attempts ignore it instead. He ignores it because he doesn't know anything about being a Father. If anything was truly wrong, then Kate would notice and Kate would know what to do.

Kate doesn't really do anything. From an outsiders perspective, she sits and stares. Occasionally she blinks and turns her head but continues to stare. She doesn't eat. No one can really be certain that she's sleeping. She barricades the door, locks herself in and hides away. Sometimes, she glares at Sirius, an icy cold deadly glare- pure spite and hatred. Sirius tries to ignore that too, he knows she's hurting but Kate has only ever looked at him with hopeless unwavering love. Not like this and it hurts, it just adds to the constant ache in his chest.

On the inside of Kate's mind- it's on a constant loop. The relief that washed over her when she saw Phoenix, holding him in her arms her heart leaping with joy that he was okay. He was home. He was safe. Her children were okay. Then, the single moment that snatched away the security and happiness from under her feet. The way Regulus fell to his knees by the door. The sudden twist in her gut as she knew, Sirius was gone..but then the confusion seeing him stood there. Then the realisation, the knife twisting in her chest as she saw the body in his arms..

It should've been him.

It should've been Sirius.

Sirius she was prepared for. Sirius she had managed twelve years without. She could just about cope without him, she had no choice but Zion.. she wasn't supposed to outlive any of her children. Zion was supposed to be in his room where he was safe. He was safe... and then he wasn't. He was a baby then he wasn't. It hurt with every single breath. Every single day without him was like a fresh deep wound, cutting into her skin, making her bleed. Every day living without him, was another day since they last hugged. Another day since their last conversation, their last argument, their last trip to Diagon alley, another day since his last birthday and Christmas. Everyone around them would get older. His friends would grow up without him, get jobs and start families and he'd always be left behind. Always seventeen. Just a boy. Almost a man.

Sirius doesn't even attempt to talk to Kate, knowing he'd either get hexed or receive that look. He knew she hated him and blamed him, he blamed himself too though so it was okay. He feels trapped, he can't escape the strong desire to just die. He deserves to die. He knows that. If Zion can't live then neither should he, but when he looks at Marlie and Nix, he can't bring himself to actually do anything. They're so broken and for whatever reason, they find comfort in him. They turn to him for guidance. They turn to him for support. They share stories about their big brother with the absent Dad who missed out on it all.

He can't leave them yet.

He's grateful and eager to hear all the stories they tell of their childhood, he imagines it in his head, he sees the stories- their memories playing out and it's almost as if he was there- watching them. He should've been there, if he wasn't framed then he'd have been there for it all. He was there for Zions birth and Zions death but he missed so much in between. He should've been there to take him and his siblings to Diagon Alley for the first time, waving them off at platform 9 3/4s. He should've been the one buying Zion his first Quidditch uniform and broom, sharing stories of his own time on the team.