Can be read as a stand-alone.
Jules never knew who she was. She never had time to figure out who she was. After an incident that happened her college year, she ran to the only person she could. There she could face more obstacles. Dealing with bein...
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I sat across Alison as we stared at each other. I had just caught her up on everything that's happened in my life. From my panick attack when me and jovian were- to my recent emotional breakdown.
"That's um-" she cleared her throat "eventful" She mumbled scribbling something down on her notepad. "Jules how do you feel about being incontrol of situations?" I've never really been incontrol of anything in my life.
I looked at the pillow in my grasp. "I mean. It's rare but I like it. It makes me feel like I have a say in things."
Alison nodded scribbling something down on her board. It makes me anxious. "Jules I want to get to the root of your pain. Can you tell me the first time you've ever harmed yourself in any way?"
I thought back to when I was in high school, where it really started.
"After my parents died. I'd never had any harming thoughts before they died. But I just felt so empty and out of control. I wanted to feel something, anything. I wanted to be in control of what I did for once." I spaced out just thinking about it.
"Hm" she looked up before looking back down at her notebook and scribbling something. She took a sip of her mocha tea "Jules what are you afraid of?" Damn there's a whole list.
"Failing Valeria, Losing Valeria, Clowns, Wrinkles, Love and Me" That's just a couple compared to my list, khakis pants and banana candy flavor.
Alison muffled a laugh with her hand "Interesting. Jules why are you afraid of yourself, do you not trust yourself?"
Do I trust myself? Of course I don't. I have no reason to trust myself. Every other moment I'm self destructing or having a mental breakdown. "No. I don't trust myself. I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I act off of my emotions and it's scary."
"Jules, how often do you allow yourself to feel your feelings?" I stayed quiet not having a answer "I can't feel. If I feel then I'll end up hurting myself and I can't start that again-"
"Jules" Alison stopped me mid rant "Allow yourself to feel, letting your emotions build up will lead to a relapse." Alison stood up and went behind her desk. She held this brown looking journal in her hand. She handed it to me. I opened it and it looked like a log sheet. There was different emojis for everyday this month.
"Everyday fill out the emoji you feel. And if the emoji can't describe your feelings then write i on the next page. Don't forget to continue writing in your other journal."
I looked down "I don't think writing helps me." It doesn't. I'm just writing things on paper. I don't feel anything but boredom.
"Ok" Alison said still keeping her cheery voice "That's fine, different methods held different people. So Jules what helps you feel better?"
I shrugged "Hanging with Valeria, Attempting to bake."
"Jules, try trusting yourself more often, trust yourself to deal with your emotions properly. I think you have a tendency to run from your problems and you attempt to run from your emotions by closing them out. And this fear to trust yourself plays a big role in why you aren't expressing your emotions properly. You fear you will make the wrong choice; it stems from the night your parents died. The choices you had to make. You lack confidence to do what's best for you. I get you're a mother and you will always put Valeria first but start doing some things for yourself. Be your own motivation." She paused "Depending on someone to be your motivation or to keep going in life isn't as healthy as most think. Hypothetically speaking that person can easily disappear in your life, then what? You'll stop trying and relapse. Jules, be your own reason to live. Allow yourself to be selfish sometimes."
