His Dove (Loki Laufeyson)

Part 70 (Christmas Eve)

I felt awful. I had told myself I'd be okay a million times; I had told myself I was okay with the recent events of my life, that everything would turn out fine in the end... But it hadn't, and I had began to lose hope it ever would.

Loki was for sure the love of my life. The once in a lifetime kind of love that makes nothing else in the world enough, but love can't save you from feeling the loss of your entire life, the loss of your entire family. Love can't always take away the pain.

So this is where I sat, rethinking my entire life, just as I had for days now. Would I have traded my allegiances in order to have Tony back? In order to come home? Would I have traded removing the power blocker, forgoing my relationship with Loki, for my home?

The answer was no, I wouldn't. That didn't mean the stinging pain of losing almost everything I held dear to me was any better.

I loved Asgard, but I hated it as well. That fact made no sense, but it was true.

I loved that Loki and I got to be together here, that things seemed to only be improving for the last while... But I hated Asgard. I hated the way they did things, from having all these 'servants' to their idiotic patriarchy. To say Asgard had lost its charm to me would be an understatement, I loathed having to live this life, this lie, every single day. I wanted to wear pants, go out to a store without eyes following me, drink a coffee while I stroll a park... I wanted home.

I thought about all this from the confines of my study, not even realizing I hadn't left the entire day until I looked at the window to see the sun set into darkness. I huffed as I closed my notes, and not a second later Loki stood in the doorway.

"Dove, come." He hummed out to me.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly, putting my hand in his arm.

He had been busy with preparations between Jól and the Vanir's departure. It wasn't common for him to come get me so early, even if it was passed sunset. The sun set far earlier now during Asgard's 'winter', so it was still rather early in the evening.

Loki didn't respond, instead kissing my temple as we walked back towards our room.

"Lo?"

"I know you've been struggling, dove. I simply thought a quiet evening in would be good for us."

I furrowed my eyebrows, my gaze falling to the floor. I didn't even consider that I had been worrying Loki with my recent behavior. I had been isolating myself, I knew, but I didn't think about how that would effect those around me, but I truly didn't think I had the strength to change it anyway, not right now.

When we got to the door Loki turned me to face him, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips. "I just want you to be okay."

"I am okay, Loki. I'm... Struggling, yes. But I am okay."

"Perhaps I misspoke." He hummed, his tongue gliding across his lip quickly. "Okay isn't good enough. I want you to be happy, darling. It pains me to see you anything less than."

"I'm sor-..." I stopped just as quickly as I began to say the words, taking a deep breath before Loki had the chance to scold me. "I am happy, overall, I promise. You make me happy." I whispered.

Loki smiled at that, opening the door and ushering me in. I instantly noticed the unusually dim glow in the room, and my eyes caught onto the golden lit Christmas tree, presents placed along the bottom. I took a couple steps forward before I realized what tree it was. It was my tree, the one Tony and I had used since I was 8. The ornaments had changed slightly over the years, with the exceptions of our yearly ornament, each a nice white with gold writing. I felt tears prick my eyes as I looked at it, a small smile reaching my features.

"I thought you may... Like a piece of home, for the holidays."

I turned to Loki, peeling my eyes from the tree as I a deep breath released from my lips, turning into a mix of a laugh and a relieved sob.

"I love it." I whispered, peppering Loki with kisses as I threw myself at him.

The relieved chuckle that escaped his lips was indescribably heart melting, knowing what his relief was for. I hadn't been nearly as affectionate lately, and that was truly awful of me.

Loki thrived on affection. I theorized it was due to the lack of affection he received as a child, though I obviously couldn't be sure. I knew Frigga tried her best to be everything a young Loki could need and more, but she was also a busy woman, raising two sons while being the most powerful healer and queen of asgard. I couldn't imagine it being anything less than an impossible task, no matter how much of a saint one truly was.

Nonetheless, Loki wasn't an individual with a single 'love-language'. He thrived on affection of all types, though physical was his favorite he would do well with verbal, or small, wordless gestures... And since his birthday, I had fallen incredibly short. I had punished him for things entirely not his fault, and I hadn't even realized it. I worried that I had forced his hand, made him believe he needed a big gesture to earn my affection once again.

"I'm sorry I've been so off lately." I hummed. "I know you don't like apologies, I know. But you are owed one. I haven't been a great partner lately. And you've done all this." I gestured around the room, the sparkling lights hanging from the ceiling now catching my attention as well. "I just... You're the best thing I ever could have asked for, Loki. And you deserve so much more than what I've given you lately."

Loki smiled down at me, his features soft and delicate. He playfully rolled his eyes, "Healers. No matter what battles they face, always worrying about others."

"You're mine to worry about." I reminded, and he nearly shivered in delight at the words.

It was truly funny, how much of a sucker Loki could be for some honest affection.

"Well, my little dove, you truly undervalue yourself. You are my bliss, my paradise, no matter if your impassioned nature gets the best of you. I have more surprises to lift your spirits." He hummed with a smile.

"Lo, you've already d-"

He shushed me, halting my words as his thumb traced my bottom lip. "Dinner and a movie. Very minuscule surprises."

"Movie?" I questioned, tilting my head.

Loki in response pointed to the bed, which I had neglected to look at when I ogled the tree. My teary, blurred eyesight must've skipped over the Stark tablet sitting on the bed, 'How The Grinch Stole Christmas' already pulled up and ready to play.

I childishly squealed as I leapt onto the plush surface, holding the tablet up.

That's when Loki pulled a large tray out of the air, and I nearly squealed again as my favorite foods and sweets were placed delicately on it.

He set it down, crawling into the bed behind me as he put one leg on each side of me.

"You're perfect." I hummed as I leaned back against his chest, popping a buckeye into my mouth.

"I've been telling everyone that for centuries now." Loki cooed back with a chuckle.

"You know, getting all this stuff from the tower. If I didn't know any better I'd think you..." I faded a bit as I looked at the Christmas tree again.

"Spoke with the imbecile that raised you?" Loki finished, smirking. "Yes, darling. I did go through the hardship of speaking with Stark. That's how much I love you."