Home is wherever i'm with you

I know you don't want to let go

Carina didn't immediatly rememeber what had happend. She felt sore and so extremly tired. She tryed to open her eyes, but it was to bright. "Its okay. I'm here, my love." Carina wanted to say something, but then she remebered.
She had woke up to a pain in her lower abdomen and got up to go to the bathroom. When she saw the blood, she had quickly stripped out of her pyjama pants and her underwear. It was bad. She remebered waking Maya and then the excruciating pain that came from her abdomen but knocked all the air out of her. Maya had guided her to the bathroom and sat her down, she had felt so imensly dizzy and everything was awefully painfull. From then on everything was blurry and Carina didn't really remeber what happend. "What happend?" Carina said and blinked to adapt to the light. Maya sighed. "You were bleeding. I took you to the ER. You had a rupture in a uterine vessel. Dr. Wilson fixed it." "And the baby?" Carina didn't know if she wanted an aswer. Maya looked down to their hands tightly intertwined. "There was no baby anymore, when we came to the ER." She said quietly. "No.no. no." Carina screamed. "No. Please.." she sobbed and every fiber in her body hurt. Maya sat down on the bed next to her. She held her tightly and tryed to comfort her eventhough she just wanted to join her and scream her lungs out.

Carina eventually tired herself out and fell asleep. Maya couldn't take it anymore, she got up and went on a run. She was had put on Trainers, when they had left the aparment but she had no jacket. She didn't care. She ran for almost 4 hours and when she came back, she was exhausted and sweaty, but also shaking because of the cold. Amelia was sitting next to Carina, who was still asleep. She was shoked at the state the blonde was in. She had her sit down and covered her with a blanket. Then she called Andy.

The puerto-rican came quickly and managed to convince Maya to go home with her. Amelia promissing not to leave Carinas side. Jo had said, they'd like to keep her overnight with all the bloodloss.
Andy had Maya sit down on the sofa and cleaned the bathroom quickly before she got the blonde to take a shower. She didn't want her already unstable best friend see the bloody mess the bathroom was before. After the shower Andy drove Maya back to the hospital, picking up some Minestrina on the way.

Maya forced some of the soup down, but they could get Carina to even touch the spoon.

The next day Carina was discharged and they went home. Carina went straight to sit in the shower. The bed was to soft and made her cry. Maya was so unsure what to do so she sat down next to her, but keeping a little distance. She knew Carina didn't like the softness.

They didn't speak for the rest of the day. They didn't even look at eachother. Maya eventually ran on the treadmill. Faster and Faster. Andy had to press the stopp button, because Maya would have fallen otherwise. Carina had gone to sit on the windowsill and stared out the window. Maya went over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then she took a shower.

Andy and Amelia were a great help for the both of them. They brought them food and forced them to eat it, they were there for them but didn't force presence.

Four days after they had left the hospital, Maya and Carina were again sitting in the shower, Carina spoke up. "What are we going to do?" Maya was startled. Her mind was running and she almost didn't realize it was actually her wife that had spoken. "Hm?" she asked. "What are we going to do?" Carina asked, turning her head to face Maya. "I don't know." Maya said. "I don't want this to be the end, but it kind of feels impossible to go on." "Si." Carina said. "I feel the same." "Maybe we take some time. How about we wait a little? I don't know how long." "Yes. I.. I think that is good." "But you still want this?" Maya asked. Carina nodded. "I want a baby. And i want to give birth. I want that. But i need to wait a little, i can't do it too soon again." "Yes. It was awfull." Maya said a silent tear running down her cheak. "Oh. I'm sorry, Bella. I never asked how you are doing? I was so focused on myself, i didn't even think that you lost the baby, too." "Thats okay. Grief has no rules. I will be okay. i am not and you are neither. But we are speaking to eachother again, maybe thats enough for now." "Yeah." Carina said and moved closer to hug her wife. They stayed in that position until someone knocked on the door. It was Amelia, she had made dinner. None of the two wifes knew, the effort their friends made to help them. Meredith had taken off early to take Scout, because Amelia didn't want him to come to the Deluca-Bishops. A toddler was the last thing the wifes needed to see. Andy had taught 23 to cook and had always made sure there was something eatable left for Carina and Maya. Jo had put Luna in Daycare on days she wasn't working so she could come over to see if they needed something. Its not that Luna didn't like Day care. She just liked to be with her mom more, and she was already there a lot. Jo being a single mom and full time doctor.

A week and a half after the miscarage Carina and Maya had mananged to make their friends believe they were fine on their own. Carina still cryed almost every night and they both had frequent nightmares, but it got better and better. Maya had to go back to work soon and Carina also wanted to go back. She wanted something to do, but she also knew, that seeing all the pregnant people and helping giving birth was going to hurt.

Travis had been hurt on a call, not badly but bad enough to be out for two weeks, so Maya had more work. Becket refused to call in a sub. He said, they could manage, but everyone guessed he couldn't get anyone to sub. Noone wanted to sub under Becket. Officially Tavis's accident was noones fault, but Maya found out that the notes, saying the stairs on the north side are not steady enough, had been updated before Travis had fallen through. The one updating was Becket, and that information was important, considering he sent Travis and Jack up the northside. Travis had only dislocated his shoulder and a slight concussion. He was lucky considering he fell about 8 feet. So Maya went back to work on Thurstday. Carina decided to wait until after the weekend. She baked cakes and occupied herself during that time. She longed and dreaded Monday all the same and because Maya was back on shift, she was anxious for her aswell.

An: I have never had a miscarage or seen anyone go through one, so i don't actually know what it feels like. This chapter was increadibly hard to write, and i am not entirely happy with it, but i think its good enough. And yes the storie is going to be happy again, just not right now.