Home is wherever i'm with you

Don't forget to breathe

Two days Carina managed to get the shake down. On the third day she refused again. She wouldn't even try. When she didn't budge the day after, Maya decided to call Amelia in the evening. While she had the girls sit down to have dinner, Amelia came and placed a tube in Carinas stomach. Carina didn't even react. Amelia went back downstairs and explained the Equipment to Maya. They decided to give it a week. Maya was supposed to do the feeds when Carina slept. And then gradually do them when she was awake. See if she fought them and then they'd decide how to proceed.

She did however tolerate the feeds very well. She didn't fight them and with the energy, she got from the feeds she was also able to get out of bed more and be there for the kids more.

Meena had started to act out in school. All this had been very hard on the family and while Louise was just extremly clingy, Meena was acting out.

Maya had gotten another call from her school, saying she hit another kid. She went to pick Meena up and drove home with her.

"Meena can you sit down and listen to me please." Maya fighting the urge to yell. She had a terrible headache and this behavior was something, she would have been yelled at for as a kid. Hell, maybe even hit. "Okay. Your teacher said you hit another student today. Please tell me the truth." "I hit Jenny, because she was saying stupid things." "What was she saying my love?" "That i am not good at maths." "Just that?" "She didn't want me in her team, because she said i can't do math." "You were doing a mathgame and she didn't want to be in a team with you and then you hit her." "I didn't want to. I was just so mad." Maya took a deep breath. "Okay. Birdy. I am not mad at you, but i am mad at what you did. We can not hit people. It hurts them and it is not nice." "I know." "What can you do, when you are so mad you feel like you need to hit someone." Meena thought for a moment. "Tell a grown up." "Yes. very good. What else?" "Hit a pillow." "Yes. Absolutly." Maya smiled. "Okay. Now. What Jenny said was not nice, but hitting her is not okay. Both things are not okay. Next time someone says something that makes you angry you just don't listen." "Don't listen. I can cover my ears." Maya nodded. "Yes. And you tell your teacher." Meena nodded and chewed on her lip like Carina does sometimes. "Birdy. Is it maybe possible that you aren't so mad at Jenny, but you are mad in general and Jennys words just made it worse?" Maya tryed softly. "Yes. I am mad at you and mamma." "Why birdy?" "You are always fighting." Maya sighed. "I am sorry, birdy. I promise you i love mamma so so much, but Mamma is sick right now. Her brain is telling her not to eat." "Why?" "We don't know why, but it is very hard for Mamma right now. She is very very mad, just like you and sometimes she can not hold herself back so well. " Meena nodded. "She needs to take some deep breaths." Maya chuckled. "That wouldn't be such a bad idea. She needs us to take care of her. Tell her she is beautiful and smart and kind and hug her and kiss her." "I don't want her to yell at me." Meena wispered. "She will not yell at you. She loves you so so much, birdy. She is still your Mamma, eventhough she is going through a tough time right now. And with the tube, she is doing so much better." "The tube helps her eat." "Yes. And she might go back to work next week." Meena frowned. "She is all better?" "No. But she is getting better. She has more energy and she is happier." "Can i go see her?" "Yes. Lets go upstairs."

When Meena went to do her homework, Maya stayed with Carina for a while. She closed her eyes trying to will the headache and the tiredness away. "Are you okay, Bambina?" "Yeah. I am good." "Bambina?" "I have a headache since i don't know last friday. And i am so tired." "I am sorry. Bambina." "This is not your fault." "But it is. I can't get it together and you have so much work in your job and with the kids and taking care of me." "My Love. I am not blaming you. You are sick. This is just like any other illness." "But it feels different. There is nothing wrong with my body. I've had all the tests. Its just my brain. I feel crazy and i am sorry, that i put this on your shoulders." "I want you to be able to rely on me. The good and the bad. Thats what we promised. I love you." "I love you." Carina kissed Maya. "You are amazing." Carina said. "I am barely holding on." "You are not feeling well, but you still made the time to calm our daughter. You did so well." "Did you eavesdrop?" "No. Bambina. The door was open and the house carries sound." "Wow. I forgot what it is like to have fully functioning hearing." Maya chuckled. She sighed and got up. "I need to check on Meena. See if she needs help with her homework and pick up Louise in half an hour. Do you need anything? " "No i don't, but Bambina you need rest. Sleep. I'll check on Meena and i'll pick up Louise and Ellie later today." "You don't have to." Maya shoke her head. "I do. These are my kids, too. I am feeling better." "I love you." "I love you, too. If you sleep right now." "Copy."

Carina did start work on Monday again. It was the week before Christmas and she was increadibly happy to be back at work. Nobody said anything about the tube. She was hoping nobody would say anything, but this was weird aswell. She was wondering, if Teddy had sent out a mail, knowing how much the italian hated the tube.

"Good morning Lucy." Carina said cheerfully. "How are we doing today?" "Great. The little one is kicking and the big one is keeping me on my toes, but i am doing fine." "That is great to hear. Lets check on the little one." The little boy sat on a chair next to his mom. The young mother layed back down and lifted her shirt over her stomach.
"Whats in your face?" The boy said. "Jamie. Thats not polite." His mom scolded him. "Its okay." Carina said. "Its a tube. It goes through my nose and my throat in my stomach. It helps me eat." "You can't eat?" The little boy asked. "Jamie. I am so sorry, Dr. Deluca."
"No problem. No, i have trouble with that right now." Carina explained. She checked on the baby which was fine, then went over the vitals, which she was not as happy about. She decided to check again in half an hour and had Lucy and Jamie wait.

After the half an hour, she came back and checked again. "That is better. Just like i like it." She said happy with the results. "So i can go." Carina nodded and noted something down in the charts. "Where is Jamie?" Carina asked. "I had a friend pick him up. He was getting fussy." "Oh. I can relate." "You have kids, too?" "I do. I have four." "Wow. Full house." "My oldest is already off to college. But the other three definatily give us a run for our money. " Carina smiled. "That is great. I can see how much you love them." Carina took a deep breath. She felt sad, that she hadn't been around her kids so much. She wasn't the mother she wanted to be and it sucked. She turned to hid the tear running down her cheak. "Dr. Deluca?" Lucy asked. "Yes?" Carina said, pulling it together and turning to her. "Are you okay? Be honest." She asked. Carina exhaled forcefully. "Thats a hard question. I am getting better and i am working hard." She said giving a sad smile. "Well if you take half as good care of yourself and your family as you do of your patients, you are doing a really great job." She smiled and a tear escaped Carinas eyes. "Sorry." She said. "Its okay." "I am doing my best." Carina said after a deep breath. "Thanks for asking." She added. "Anytime."

An: Picking songs is getting increasingly harder. This title is the traslation of a german song.

By the way. The spotify playlist exists. It is 3h33min long righ now. Funny