Home is wherever i'm with you

You don't have to be sorry, for leaving and growing up.

Maya broke her fever on Monday morning, however she still felt quite terrible. On Friday she decided she needed to start working again. The problem was that one of the four Battalion Chiefs retired and was on berievment. So all the work was left for Maya and Chief Carlos. He was a nice man and worked a lot, but that didn't change the fact that Maya had a lot of work.
Carina was worried about Maya. She seemed unwell and in her oppinion she needed rest. Maya couldn't really shake the bug she had and after working a week she spiked another fever, Carina forcing her to rest. They made the agreement that Maya could work again, if she was fever free for more then 30 hours.
Thanksgiving was spent at the station, eventhough Carina found Maya crashed in her bunk about an hour after they came to the station. She decided to let her sleep.

A week later Maya had come home from running oxygen drills with 24 and she was exhausted. She went to take a shower and frowned at the bruises on her Body. Being a firefighter bruises were normal, but now she was just sitting at a desk  most of the time. Some of the bruises were from today, but others were older and Maya couldn't remember were they came from. She washed her hair and got out. She changed into normal clothes and went to sit at her desk and work some more. Her eyes closed by themselves and so she decided to take a break.

Carina was biting her lip as she listend to the other Obs talking about their patients. She wasn't really comprehending what they were saying. She was thinking about Maya and about how this affected her. She was so in her own thoughts, that she didn't even realize her lip had started bleeding. "Carina." Jo tapped on her shoulder. "You are bleeding." She gave Carina a tissue to hold to her lip. "Are you okay?" "Yeah. Just caught in my thoughts. Sorry. Continue."

Carinas worries were however overshadowed, when she got a phonecall in the middle of the night. Maya was sleeping next to her and Carina didn't expect anyone to call so she was very confused. When she answered, someone was yelling at her in italian. She couldn't really understand them, but eventually she got the message and just hung up. Her body seemed to heat up. Every nerve in her body overfired and she ripped her blanket and her shirt off. She ran her hands trough her hair, struggling to breath. She got up and walked up and down the room. She was overstimulated and even the light from the moon was too much. Maya woke up from the comotion and the moving bed and turned to find Carina. She couldn't really see the brunettes face, but she could tell the panik written over it. She quickly grabed her hearing aids and walked over to her. "Hey. Hey. Whats wrong?" Carinas eyes darted around the room, she didn't even realize Maya was talking to her. She was hyperventilating and kicking and hitting the walls. She clawed at her throat and her wrists. Maya grabed her arms from behind and prayed that the girls wouldn't wake up. She lowered the both of them to the ground and held her thrashing legs down with her own. Eventhough Maya wasn't feeling well, she was still stronger than Carina and eventually her thrashing stopped and she started sobbing. Maya held her tightly and wispered sweet word to her. "Breathe, my Love. Breathe. Breathe. I am here. I love you. You are safe. There is nothing here that could hurt you. You are okay." Eventually Carina calmed down and the sobbs turned into wimpers. Maya held her tight as she felt her sleepshirt get wet on her shoulder. She didn't mind.
After a little silence, Maya said:" Talk to me. Was it a dream?" "I wish." Carina said. "No." "What happend?" "My fathers sister called me. She yelled at me over the phone and i didn't get what she wanted, but then i understood. Maya, my father is dead. He killed himself and they are blaming me, because i didn't take care of him. Because i aparently neglected him." She sobed again. "Oh baby. I am so sorry." "Its not that he is dead. I mean that sucks, but he was dead to me a long time ago. Before we saw him this summer, i didn't speak to him since before the girls were born. I didn't even tell him about the girl, because he made me feel like i couldn't." "I know. You don't have to feel bad." "He neglegted me. He abused me. I was the child, why is this my fault." "It is not. Its not your fault, Carina. It is not your fault." "I needed to protect myself from him, he litteraly said he wished i was dead. Why is it my responsibility to take care of him?" "It is not your responsibility, Carina look at me." Maya turned Carinas face to her and rested their heads together. "They. are. wrong." Maya said and stressed every word. "What ever they said. It is wrong. You are not responsible. It is not your fault. Don't feel bad. He has been mean and cruel and you protected yourself by going away from him. He abused you. Carina you had the absolut right to stop contact." "Hmh." "Breathe. Love." "It just hurts, i suppose he had another manic depression and he couldn't take it. He ignored his illness and it killed him." Maya pressed Carina closer and rocked her back an forth. "Maya, you are really warm." "Lets not talk about that right now. Are you okay?" "I don't know. A part of me is sad. I am an orphan now. But i have been for quite some time, just not officially. Its... hard." "That is okay. What ever you feel, is just right." "Hmh." Maya cubbed Carinas face and gave her a kiss. "I love you." Maya said. "I love you, too." She said her voice still shaking. "Maya, you are shivering." "Its cold in here." "No you have chills. Let me get the themometer." "Carina. I can't stay home tomorrow. I have so much work." "We'll see." She held the thermometer to Mayas head. "102.8 Bambina. You must feel terrible." "The weird it sounds, i am getting kid of used to it." "Stop it." "What?" "Embracing the pain. You are sick and this has to stop. We are both taking tomorrow off. I can't work and you can't work and you are writing to the union." "Good." Carina started fidgeting again. "Whats wrong, my love?" "It feels as if all my nerves are overfiring. Everthing is too much. The light and the fabric and ahhh." "Shh. Hey. What do you need? What helps?" "I don't know. I... I... I... When i had that when i was younger i'd take a bath. That helped. But its like 3am." "Thats okay. Lets take a bath." "No Bambina. You need sleep." "A bath might be good, to lower my fever." Maya suggested. "Okay." "Yeah." "Come on. Lets go."

Carinas outburst sadly wasn't the the end of this. She kept getting mad messages of her fathers siblings and they sent her in a depressive state. She went numb. She wouldn't sleep, talk, eat or even look at Maya or the girls. Maya was running on her last nerve. Kathrine was over almost every day, but she wasn't the youngest and the three girls were a lot. Maya felt terrible, but because she broke her fever the evening after the bath she went back to work two days after. Kathrine eventually called Andy to help her.

Andy forced Maya to lay down. Forced her to rest and played with the girls in the playroom, while Kathrine did some housework.

After Carina hadn't eaten anything for three days, they got really worried. The girls were sad, their Mamma wouldn't play with them anymore and cryed and threw a lot more tantrums, than before. All of this was hard on the family.

"Carina. I am calling Teddy and Amelia, if you don't get up and drink this. Its a shake. Strawberries, banana and some protein powder. Try it, please." Carina turned to look at her. "I can't." She rasped out. Her throat was dry and her lips chaped. "My love. I need you and the girls need you. We need you to get better. We need you to eat and drink and let us help you." A tear ran down Carinas cheak. "Its just like, when i was a teenager. My thoughts are runnig wild. It makes me sick. I feel sick. I can't drink that, Maya." Maya handed her her waterbottle. Luckly Carina would still drink some water. By fare not enough, but still. "Drink some water." Carina did. "Now. Take this and just take one sip." Carinas hands were shaking. "You are so strong. You can do this. I love you. You are awesome. Come on." Carina shook her head. "Try. Please." "I am trying!" Carina yelled. "I am sorry. I know." "I am sorry, too. I shouldn't have yelled." Maya nodded and left the bedroom. She called Teddy and Amelia, who promised to come over as soon as possible.