fifty-four.

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I realized more recently that I was losing grasp of my life

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I realized more recently that I was losing grasp of my life. It was easier to hide from everyone and seclude yourself in the house. It was comfortable here, I didn't have to worry about watching over my shoulder every five seconds, or the paranoia that'd been slowly making itself known to the forefront of my mind. They always say that there is nowhere more comfortable than your own home, in loose terms, and I suppose under some circumstances it varies for each person.

But my home was safe. Comfortable. I didn't want to leave it most of the time.

Today, however, I was stepping out of my comfort zone. I'd been selfish, wasting away most of my time and ignoring Gracie. Most of the time she did text me and ask if I wanted to hang out, she had started taking art classes out of boredom. I envied her that she was able to relish in such freedom, but I had as much freedom as she did, I was just telling myself that I didn't.

Pete and Harry had a run together, something about working out the logistics of moving business down to Madrid. Gracie knew that Pete was working with Ajax on those subjects, I thought that Pete was going back to London with Niall, but he opted to stay down here. Niall needed a break. The last time I saw him was some days ago when he came with the sweater he promised me and some Nandos. He too felt bad about everything that happened the other night.

But I didn't want to think about that.

Gracie and I were going to this art studio that she had been attending. It was empty today, there were no classes, so it was just going to be me and her. I told her that I was shit at drawing, but she said sometimes it could be very therapeutic to just draw without knowing how. Just letting the emotions take you and drawing how you feel inside. If that was the case, I would be drawing jumbled up scribbles of black and red.

I was glad that I kept most of my school clothes. There was one shirt in particular that I used to wear when me and my class had art days and it had paint all over it. Looking at it made my heart hurt, I wondered if my kids thought that I had left them. Abandoned them. There wasn't a second that went by where I wasn't thinking about them, but it was nearing time for them to graduate and move on to another teacher that they will grow attached to.

I wondered if they thought about me, or even asked where I was.

Everything happened so fast. One day I was a teacher, the next I would put in some faux witness protection program minus the FBI part, and I was ripped away from what I really wanted to do. Teaching was the only thing I ever wanted to do, it was the only thing I felt like I had control of in my life. It wasn't like I enjoyed having control over a group of kids, but for the first time in my life I had some sort of authority.

It wasn't long before Gracie sent me a text telling me she was outside. I could've easily met her at the art studio, but instead I wanted her to come over so we could drive my new car, one that Harry kept bickering that I never touched. It was just so pretty I didn't want to get into an accident and ruin it.

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