Stumbling through the dark

If Only - the two saddest words.

Louis mopped up the puddle of whiskey from the floor, threw the empty bottle in the trash then collapsed down on the couch. His mind was a whirling mess . So many emotions crashing in to him. Disbelief, horror, pain and guilt. Above all, the guilt. How did he not see? How did they not see? It was so obvious, yet, like a jigsaw, they had all failed to put the pieces together. And he should have seen, he was the eldest. God, how did it get so bad? Why didn't he see. He should have seen it. And if only Zayn had trusted them with the secret..If Only...the two of saddest words in the world. Louis sobbed.Louis recalled past events, conversations. If only he had been paying attention tonight might never have happened. If Zayn hasn't..............it didn't bear thinking about about. The warnings were there.Words echoed in his head:

Zayn's phone call:

"Bro listen. I had a call from Niall . He acted really strange, said sorry for calling me , said he shouldn't then he just broke down crying. Full on crying, bro. Then he hung up on me. I've been trying and trying to call him back but he's not answering. I just want to know if he's ok. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I called"

Louis remembered how strange he thought it was Niall had rung Zayn instead of them. Niall had taken Zayn's leaving very badly but surely it was him, Louis, that it had been the hardest for.....hadn't it? And for Zayn to call him because Niall hadn't answered his phone. Why would Zayn be so worried?

Chills went down his spine as he recalled his own words to Zayn;

"I don't care if they don't f.cking like it. This is for Niall. And maybe we all need to have this talk. You skipped out on us.You didn't even talk to us. How do you think it felt? You were in the band one minute then you were gone. You didn't talk to us, you just walked out. Do you know how broken we were? How Niall felt? Oh, the fans thought he didn't care but we knew different. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep. We had to force him on stage every night because he said he couldn't do it without you. We need to talk about this. YOU need to talk about it"

And Zayn insisting they drive over to Niall's that very night. Recalling Zayn's words sent a chill down his spine.

"No Lou, something's wrong. I can't explain, don't ask me to but something is wrong".

What if he hadn't given in to Zayn? Thank god, he did. Louis felt the horror deep within him. It had been so close, too close.

And Zayn knew what to do! Again Louis relived those words.

"Louis, go get a big glass of warm water, dissolve as much salt in it as you can. Go!"

Louis!" he'd shouted "He's taken pills."

"No time, Louis. Move!"

Of course he knew what to do, exactly what to do. Louis recalled the explanation Zayn had given him such a short time ago.

They'd been so blind. Zayn had always been so protective of Niall, maybe cared most about about the little irish lad he treated like a baby brother. And Zayn had kept the secret to protect Niall, just like he was protecting him now. Louis pulled his phone from his pocket and phoned Liam and Harry asking them to come to Niall's immediately, that it was urgent. Then he sat and waited for the boys to arrive.

"What's so urgent at"....Liam looked at his watch...".4:25am?" He plonked down on the couch next to Louis. "You look terrible, by the way, mate"

"Niall tried to kill himself tonight" Louis didn't bother to dress it up. Harry just crumpled down to sit on the floor , his mouth agape. Liam just stared at Louis.

"Niall did what ? " he finally managed to say

"He got drunk, took the whole bottle of pills he was given. If Zayn hasn't......"Louis broke off. He breathed deeply for a few minutes. "I need a drink. We all do" He went to Niall's bar and poured out brandy for all of them. He tried to take a sip of his own but his hands were shaking so badly, he put the glass down.

"Bro, just what happened? And what about Zayn?" Harry asked quietly

"I wasn't sleeping so I was downstairs. Zayn came and joined me because he wasn't sleeping either. He said he just had this feeling, he couldn't explain, but just asked..begged me to bring him here. I wasn't going to but he promised he'd explain if I did. We got here, looked for Niall. Zayn found him on the floor of his bedroom and knew what he'd done. He was amazing, he just......Harry, he saved Niall." Louis was choking on his own sobs at this point but tried to regain control. After a few moment he continued

"After he made sure Niall was OK, he told me what it was he'd been hiding. What Niall had been hiding."

"Niall hiding? I don't understand. Ni doesn't hide stuff" Liam was puzzled.

"Believe me. Niall hid this. Remember Zayn went to LA after the Perth show and saw a doctor who diagnosed severe depression, " The boys nodded in response .". Zayn wanted to go home and just get his head together but, well, Simon was there and he convinced Zayn to stay on until then end of the tour. But he couldn't do it, he said he needed a short break because he felt he'd die if he didn't. He tried to stay but after that hassle in Bankok, where the media posted those 'cheating' pictures, he'd had enough and Simon agreed he could fly home after the Hong Kong show and take a break . We were all told that It was supposedly for a week and he'd be back. But Zayn knew he wasn't coming back because Management told him he wasn't. They were the ones who decided he'd leave the band permanently. But we were not to be told or they promised there would be trouble. Zayn didn't want to do it to us but he had no choice. He knew Ni would be the most upset so he told Niall the truth in strict confidence . He wanted to warn him so it wouldn't be a shock. You both know how Ni idolised Zayn. Niall took it badly, really badly. And that was after a bad day he'd already had with all that hate. Remember he was really upset? We told him to ignore it, didn't we? I didn't think when he said he didn't want to eat that night, he just wanted to sleep. I should have seen it. " All the boys thought back to that night. Niall had been upset but what was Louis saying?

"Lou, just where is this going?" Harry wanted to know. Louis looked at him grimly.

"Niall attempted suicide that night too" He looked at the stunned faces of his bandmates.

"But how did we not know?" Harry's voice showed his distress.

"Zayn" Louis said simply. " and Management. Management sent someone to escort Zayn to the airport but he refused to go without saying a final goodbye to Niall. They went to Niall's room and found him. He'd left a note so they knew. The guy from Management ran and got the salt from the hotel kitchen and they made Niall sick. Management said nobody was to know about it and that Zayn had to keep his mouth shut. He was also told to break all contact with us, that we were not to know anything. Niall was also told the same."

"But how did we not know. Surely Niall would have been, I don't know, sick the next day? "Liam wondered.

"He was. Remember the horrible raspy voice and he was shaky. We got told he has throat problems and was on vocal rest. It was being forced to vomit that did it but it was all covered up. And this cover up nearly killed him a second time because we didn't f.cking know how fragile Ni already was"Louis' voice revealed how disgusted he was with himself because he hadn't realised what was going on.

"Where is Zee?" Liam asked quietly. "Is he still here?"

"Yeah, he's with Niall. Ni is sleeping. We don't want to leave him alone.I'm afraid" Louis rubbed his hands over his face tiredly " What do we do now?"

"He's got to get professional help. We can't leave this" Liam spoke decisively " But we have to keep this out of the media. It would destroy Niall completely if it got out"

The room had fallen silent, each young man lost in their own thoughts. Zayn revelations had shocked them all and both Liam and Harry were experiencing the same emotions that Louis had felt earlier.Looking back they could now see all the signs that something had been wrong and they'd failed to notice. They were all brought back to the present by the sound of footsteps and looked up to see Zayn walking slowly into the room, his arm supportively around a pale and shaking Niall.