Stumbling through the dark

Good Intentions

Liam was the first to move. He sat down opposite Niall and motioned to Harry and Louis to do the same. Niall glared at them all, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists. His shoulders were stiff with tension and his normally bright blue eyes were slate grey, reflecting his angry mood. Liam closed his eyes and composed himself before speaking.

"Look Ni, I know you're really angry with us but please would you listen to us? We didn't want  you to find out this way" Liam began.

"Find out this way? You never intended for me to find out at all, did you?" Niall spat angrily at Liam.

"No" Liam admitted " but it's not what it appears so would you please give me a chance to tell you?" Liam pleaded, his soft brown eyes  showing his own pain. None of the lads had ever intended Niall to be hurt. They...and Zayn...just wanted to protect him. Maybe they had been wrong but they had only held the best intentions."I don't know where to begin" Liam looked helplessly at Louis.

"Ni, we've only known since Aoife and Tay's wedding" Louis took over, patting Liam's shoulder comfortingly.  "You remember when you went to take Aoife's bouquet to Caoimhe's grave and you found the other flowers and card?" Niall nodded, his eyes boring into Louis'. "Well, Zayn was there. He saw you coming and managed to hide. It was him that called 911 and got you help though we didn't know until we got the message you had been taken to hospital. We raced there and found Zayn in your room, sitting with you,  holding your hand." Louis paused, taking in a deep breath

"Why was Zayn there?" Niall asked, his voice sounding harsh with tension.

"Ah..mmmh...Aoife sent him an invitation to the wedding" Louis admitted sheepishly and Niall's mouth dropped open with shock.

"Aoife  invited him!" Niall was shocked. The silhouette he'd seen in the wedding video. Of course. Now he knew what had made it appear so familiar. It had been Zayn lurking in the shadows. How did Aoife even know about Zayn? His daughter would have some explaining to do but right now, Niall needed to find out what had been happening.

"Mate, we spoke with Zayn while you were in surgery. Had a big fight actually" Louis said quietly. " I was so mad he'd deserted you. Turns out he's been keeping an eye on you all these years. He's even talked to you" Louis looked down at his lap then up at Niall. 

"No, he hasn't" Niall said immediately. Every time I've tried to contact him, it's been ignored or blocked.

"He's Alibaba"Louis responded." He's spoken to us all"  Niall immediately went to all the Instagram and Twitter  conversations they'd all had with the quirky 'Alibaba'. They'd followed him for years. How had he not known, not realised it was Zayn, all this time?

"Ni, I know you're mad at us, mad at him but we all care about you. We just were all trying to protect you"

" Care about me ? Protect me? By lying to me?" Niall shouted as he stood up, pacing around the small space as he ran his hands repeatedly through his hair.

"We do care Ni. Zayn cares too. Mate, he's always kept an eye on you. Apparently,  he visited you when you were having the stem cell treatment. Just used to watch you sleep. He donated his blood for you,  that time ,and again this time, because he knew you'd need it, being a rare group. It was him that took the photo of you and Caoimhe that was in Aoife's locket. I guess he kinda stalked you.   Mate, please" Harry pleaded with Niall " he never left, he just stayed out of sight"

"Where's Zayn now?" Niall demanded "Run again?"

"He left, vanished. We haven't seen him since. Actually I'm really worried" Louis said anxiously. "Guys, you should have seen his arms and torso..I've not seen so many cuts in my life . I didn't know Zee did that"

"I did. Well, at least I knew he was capable of doing it. I saw his wrists." Niall said, finally stopping his pacing and sitting down " I found out when he came that time, when I.....you know...." Niall didn't want to mention his second suicide attempt. Didn't want to think about it too closely. G*d, what state was Zayn in that he'd been cutting so badly? Niall felt his anger slipping away as worry took it's place. Zayn had promised him that he'd talk to Niall if things got bad, just like Niall had promised the same to him. Why was there now an invisible but impervious wall between them both. Why? He dropped his head into his hands as he tried to make sense of everything he'd just heard. To hear that  Zayn had been looking out for him all these years yet never once let him know. Never once betrayed his presence. Niall's feelings wavered between hurt that Zayn had hidden from him,  and thankfulness Zayn had still cared about him. That he was still Zayn's 'little bro'.

"He needs help" Liam, now in complete 'Daddy Direction' mode said "but how do we make sure he gets it? How do we contact him?"

"Alibaba" Louis said and pulled out his phone and logged into Twitter. "F.ck" he said after a few minutes " This account does not exist..f.ck. He's done it again"

"There has to be a way. After all, Aoife contacted him. How did she manage that?" Niall said hopefully.

"She sent it to his Management team. But Ni, we've tried that in the past and nothing, Zip, nada" Louis said bluntly. "I guess we have to accept that Zayn wants us at arms length and has backed away again". He paused then yawned widely. "I'm turning in. I'm exhausted" He walked towards the bunks, head down.

"Me too" Harry said. "It's been a long day. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He stretched his long arms up above his head as he too yawned and disappeared after Louis.

"Ni, you should get some sleep" Liam moved to sit next to Niall and wrapped a comforting arm around his friend "You know you're not to get overtired and this stress isn't good for you. Try get some sleep". He stood then and coaxed Niall to his feet, pushing him gently towards the sleeping quarters. 

"Li?" NIall's voice was soft, his accent even thicker than normal, a sure indication of his state of mind. "Why all the cloak and dagger stuff . Why didn't Zayn just stay in touch? Why hide?"

"He did it all with good intentions, Nialler" Liam spoke thoughtfully.

"They say the road to H*ll is paved with them" Niall said bitterly

"What?" Liam was confused

"Good intentions" was the reply and Niall climbed, still fully clothed into his bunk, pulling the curtain closed.