Stumbling through the dark

Saying Good Bye

"Why does every f.cking new treatment make me puke the whole time" Niall said petulantly. He'd spent the last four hours bringing up the contents of his stomach in violent bursts. Nothing was staying down. Even the few sips of water he'd manage to swallow came back up almost instantly.

"If it doesn't ease off, we may have to evaluate whether it is worth continuing, Niall" James Caldwell frowned as looked at his pale and sweating patient. "We'll give you some anti nausea medication and set up an IV to prevent you being dehydrated. Hopefully that will do the trick and the side effects wear off fairly soon. It can take time . " James was worried but spoke confidently, not wanting to alarm Niall. . So far Niall's body had been rejecting the new treatment and there weren't many options left open. If he was unable to halt the decline in Niall's condition then time would be against them. In just a few short weeks there had been signs of progression in Niall's illness and if he was unable to halt it, slow it down....he didn't want to think about the end results. There had to be something.

Niall looked pointedly away as the anti nausea medication was injected into his arm, then the IV hooked up . Why did everyone treat him like a pin cushion? G*d, he hated needles. He grabbed the bowl that was next to his bed just in time as more fluid spurted out of his mouth, the taste alone making him gag. The nurse handed him a glass of water and he swilled it around his mouth to rid himself of the vile taste. He was tempted to drink some water  but was too afraid it would return. He just hoped the medication kicked in quickly. He lay back against his pillows, exhausted. The nurse lowered the top of his bed slightly so, though he was still sitting up, his body was at a more relaxed incline. She put a fresh bowl on the table next to him and advised him to try and sleep before dimming the lights and quietly leaving him to rest.

Niall was dreaming. It was one of the dreams he loved having because, although he knew it was just a dream, it felt so real. He knew exactly where he was. It was along cliffs, back home in Ireland. His favourite thinking place. The place where he and Caoimhe had gone together so many times. And here, in his dreams, he knew she'd come. He walked on, breathing in the salty tang of the air, enjoying the warm breeze and then she was there, her small hand warm in his own. He looked down at her and smiled. Still the same, unchanging, beautiful. They walked on, Niall was content with the silence. He wanted to hear her voice but she was always silent in his dreams. Though he longed to hear her sweet voice, It was enough she could be with him even if it was only in his dreams. The grass was soft and springy beneath his feet and he loved the feel of it.There were beautiful flowers blooming around him and he sat down, Caoimhe with him. She was smiling at him and holding both his hands in hers. Then he heard her speak.

"You've done so well my love, so well. I'm proud of you, proud of Aoife. I love you so much" Niall couldn't see Caoimhe's mouth move but he heard her words in his head, the same voice he loved and still remembered. "But it's time you let me go. I'll always be with you, watching over you, but I release you as you must release me. It's time, my love. Remember I love you" Caoimhe released his hands and slowly she dissolved from his sight.

"Don't go, Caoimhe, come back, Come back!" Niall sat up screaming, tears pouring from his eyes.

"Da, calm down. Shhhh, you've been dreaming. It's just a dream" Aoife shifted the whimpering baby in her arms so that she could cup her dad's cheek with her free hand. "Ssshh...you're ok" She kept her hand on her dad's face watching and waiting for his breathing to calm down . Niall looked into her own face with a confused expression, still caught in that twilight moment between sleep and wakefulness . He drew in shuddering breaths as he finally became aware of his surroundings.

"Sorry, sorry. I was dreaming" He whispered as he looked down at his hands and fidgeted with the sheet covering him. Aoife nodded gently as she placed her hand over his restless ones to still them. "She left me" he whispered "And I'm afraid she won't come back"

"Da, Ma is gone. She can't come back, you know that. But she'll always be our angel. Remember you a told me that she'd always be watching over us. And Caoimhe is here with us" Aoife patted her heart, then smiled softly as she transferred the baby into Niall's arms, watching as he cuddled the baby close, a gentle finger caressing the tiny cheek.

"So small, so precious" Niall murmured "It's like holding you all over again. She needs a name, this little princess"

"Tay and I have chosen her names" Aoife admitted. Actually they had been sure from the moment their daughter was born but were wary of telling Niall, worried about his response so told everyone they were still considering.. "Her name is Caoimhe, Da , Caoimhe Nyla " And she immediately knew it was ok as she say Niall's face light up."She has both of  your names""

"Caoimhe Nyla" Niall bend his head and gently kissed the baby's head before passing her back to her mother.

"Da?" Aoife was quiet, hesitant as she took the baby back into her arms and sat down. "Do you want to talk about it? Your dream?" Niall sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling.

"It's silly. I sometimes dream that she's with me, your Ma, and we walk together. She never speaks but this time she did and she said she wanted me to release her, so she could go. and I don't want that" Niall's eyes filled with tears again.

"Da, what you and Ma had was special. That can never be taken away but she'd right, you need to let go. It's stopping you from being happy again, this holding on to her."

"I am happy" Niall almost snapped back.

"No, no you're not. Not really ,Da. You've never allowed yourself to be, always holding back, afraid of taking that step forward. Da, it's time, you gotta let go. Allow yourself to be happy again. For me, and if you can't do it for me, do it for Ma" Aoife stood up "Time to take this little lady back home" Aoife bent over and kissed her dad's cheek lightly then left. Niall returned his gaze back to the ceiling as slow tears trickled down his cheeks.

"Good bye, Caoimhs. I love you" he whispered and felt that a soft kiss had been pressed against his cheek then was gone.