Stumbling through the dark

If Wishes Were Horses Then Beggars Would Ride

Doctor Peters carefully connected the infusion to the port that had been placed in Niall's chest.  He checked and double checked that everything was correctly placed before he flicked the control that would allow the infusion to drip slowly into Niall's fragile body. This was it. This was what all Niall's suffering had been for. The chemo had destroyed his immune system and now the stem cell therapy could take place. This was Niall's chance to be free from MS. But first he had to survive. The chemo had all but killed him and nobody knew if he still had the strength to fight for his life. "It's down to you now, Niall" he told his unconscious patient. 

The Infusion dripped slowly into Niall's body as he lay there, lost in his own dark world. Louis stared in through the viewing window, not wanting  to go into the room so as to protect Niall in his weakened state. The risk of infection was too high and Niall had no reserves left to fight. Louis brushed away some moisture from his cheek. I'm not crying, he tried to convince himself, I'm not crying. He stood there a few minutes longer then turned and walked slowly away. He needed to be alone, to find a place where he could think. Pulling his hoodie over his head, he slipped out of the hospital and wandered aimlessly until he came to a small park. He sat on a bench and closed his eyes, remembering his conversation with Niall. He wished with all his heart he'd managed to stop Niall but he was so stubborn. So stubborn. Louis felt his fists clench in anger. It wasn't fair. Why did Niall have to endure this.  His mind went over and over their last conversation.

"But Niall, what about the risks? Have you really thought about this?

"Louis, for the 100th time, it's my only chance. I want to do this. Why are the three of you so hellbent on stopping me? Don't you give a f.ck about me and what I want?"

"Ni, it's not like that. We don't want you to be sick but the cure sounds worse. What if you die?" 

"What if I die without it? What if I end up a wreck in a wheelchair unable to wash or feed myself.What if I'm trapped in my body? What about that?"   Niall had screamed at him, banging his fist down on the table. Louis winced at the memory.

"Ni, please' Just give it more time....please..I'm begging you"  Louis had begged  him but Niall refused to listen, refused to discuss it any further. He stood up and stormed out of the room  leaving Louis staring after him. And every text and call Louis had tried to make had been ignored or rejected. Harry and Liam had tried but they too had been spurned. Niall thought they were all against him when all they wanted to do was protect their little leprechaun. And now? Now it was too late. Niall was fighting for his life thinking the boys didn't care . What if he dies? What if we can't tell him how we feel? How I feel? Louis tipped his head back and looked skyward, swallowing down the tears. Strong, he had to stay strong. He stood up and walked slowly back to the hospital, head and shoulders bowed. "But he stroked my hair...did he know it was me. I wish, I just wish ......" But what was it his Granny was always saying ..'If wishes were horses then beggars would ride'.

When Louis got back to the hospital, he resumed his position in front to the viewing window of Niall's room, staring at the small body of his bandmate. Was Niall really that tiny? He looked so fragile, like he would break apart if anyone touched him or even breathed over him. "Please Ni, please" the words going round and around his head in a never ending cycle. He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and he turned to see Niall's Neurologist standing next to him.

"Go home, Louis. You can't help him and you certainly aren't helping yourself" Paul said gently.

"I can't go, what if he dies? You don't understand. We had a fight about him having this treatment, a bad fight and he's not spoken to me since. What if he dies and I never get to tell him , to apologise" Louis couldn't hold back his emotions any longer  and collapsed against Paul.

"Louis, come with me" And with a guiding hand around the younger man's shoulders, Paul led the way to his office. "Come on" He pushed Louis to lay down on the examination couch and covered him with a blanket. "Just stay there and try and relax. I'll be back in a moment" He patted Louis' shoulder and left the room. Louis was unable to control the tears pouring down his face, they came faster than he could wipe them away until he finally gave up and made no further attempt to stem the flood. His chest felt tight and he struggled to breath. Then the panic set in and he felt like he was suffocating.

"Shhhh, Shhhh." Paul sat Louis up and placed a paper bag over his mouth and nose " You're Ok, you're fine. Just try and take deep breaths for me. You're hyperventilating here" He kept the bag over Louis' face until his breathing finally slowed down, his breath just hitching every now and then. "That was quite a panic attack you had there". Paul propped some pillows behind Louis to support him then fastened an oxygen mask over his face. "Take some deep breaths for me. Slowly in and slowly out". After a few minutes he removed the mask and studied Louis carefully. "Better?" he asked and Louis nodded.

"Sorry" Louis mumbled

"Don't be. You have been under a lot of stress. Here" he passed Louis a mug of tea. "it's sweet but I want you to drink it even if you don't normally take sugar" Louis tasted it and shuddered but did as he was told. "Now , if you feel up to it, I'll take you to visit Niall. Talk to him, it will help you"

Paul helped Louis gown up then escorted him to Niall's room. "Go on, Louis, talk to him"

"But he can't hear me" 

"We don't know that. Go on, in you go" he placed a hand in the small of Louis' back and pushed him gently through the door. Louis walked slowly to the bed and picked up Niall's small hand in his equally small one. Louis took a deep breath...

"Ni, I don't know if you can hear me but I hope you can. I'm so , so sorry. I wasn't trying to stop you having this treatment but I was scared Ni. We all were. We couldn't bear the thought of you suffering so much. I know how much you wanted this treatment , to be well again. F.ck, we wanted you well again, too. But not at this cost. Ni, I'm so afraid you're going to die and you'll die never speaking to me again. I don't want you to die hating me or the other lads. I promised you that I'd always be here for you, Ni. And I want you to know I'm keeping that promise. I know I've let you down but please, Ni, please..........." Louis' voice had faded to almost as whisper. He raised Niall's hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on it before laying it back down on the bed.  Feeling like all the sunshine had been sucked from the world, Louis slowly left.