Stumbling through the dark

You Gotta' Let Him Go

Louis poked his head around the door and a gentle smile lit up his face as he observed his bandmate. Niall was  fully dressed, headphones on,  and   sprawled across his hospital bed,  fast asleep. Louis entered the room and  sat down next to his softly snoring friend. He pulled out his phone and played games while he waited for Niall to wake up from his nap. 

"Lou?" Niall sounded groggy as he pushed himself into a sitting position "When did you get here?"

" 'bout an hour ago mate. You were so busy snoring I didn't have the heart to wake you up."

"Thanks, didn't sleep too well last night. Look, can we get out of here? I'm sick of this room"

"You can't discharge yourself, Ni. You're still not well enough, mate" Louis spoke firmly. He knew Niall was itching to leave but he still wasn't ready.

"No, I know. I'm allowed out of this room, though. I just have to let the nurses know where I am and I  can't leave the hospital." Niall sounded disgusted. The 'rules' made him feel like a baby and he hated it.He was desperate to leave the hospital but it had been made very clear to him that it would be unwise until his stomach had healed more. Things had improved but a short bout of being sick last night had confirmed there were still problems.Well, he thought, he only had himself to blame. It was his stupidity that had been the cause of it all. If he'd never tried to.....No! stop that thought he told himself sternly. What was done was done. Now he had to move forward.

"OK, let's go, then" Louis said cheerfully. Niall certainly looked like he could do with a break and maybe someone to talk to , as well. Leading the way, he headed to the nurses station to let them know he and Niall were going for a walk about. Niall's nurse smilingly agreed but reminded Niall that he needed to be back in time for his dinner and medication. Niall nodded gloomily  then he and Louis wandered off in the direction of the hospital garden.

Niall sat down on a bench under a pretty arbor. The garden was very tranquil and he enjoyed the peace after the ordered bustle of the hospital and its rigid routines. Louis wandered about for a bit before coming and sitting next to Niall. He stayed silent, waiting to see if Niall would talk but Niall seemed content to remain silent. Louis mentally cast around for a way of starting the conversation he knew they ought to be having but nothing was coming to mind. Louis decided that he was not good at diplomacy so , hang it, he'd cut to the chase. He'd always been the one to call a spade, a spade. Niall had never been one to cover up his emotions but, lately it was like someone had pulled  a plug on him,  and he only shared the mundane, like he had never been close to them. All the boys were worried, it felt like the Niall they knew was slipping away from them, being replaced by a polite stranger. Louis wasn't about to let that continue.

" 'Sup, mate?" Louis wanted to know. "You've been distancing yourself for everyone. You don't talk to us any more". 

"I do talk to you. I skyped with Hazz yesterday and Liam this morning. And I'm talking with you now" Niall was defensive. He felt completely lost within himself but he was grown man, couldn't they see that? Why did they all treat him like he was some baby who couldn't look after himself?

"Bro, you know what I mean. Yeah, you talk to us but the old Niall used to tell us everything....mostly everything." Louis corrected himself. Niall was never one for sharing when he was sick. " You've just cut yourself off from us and we want to know why. What's happening in that head of yours?" Louis didn't look at Niall, he just kept his gaze on the sky. Niall stood up and started pacing along the pathway, back and forth, like a small, blond robot. Louis waited patiently. Niall would crack soon, he could feel it.

"I'm fine, I don't need you fussing over me" Niall said sharply.

"Ni, we're not fussing over you. We're just worried about you, mate. Something is buzzing' in that head of yours." Louis tried to sound casual, like it was no big deal. He didn't want Niall to clam up any more than he had already.

"Look, Lou. I'm just trying to work my way through this. I have the MS beat. I just gotta get my stomach sorted then I just need to....."

"Need to....what?" Louis asked, his voice still casual.

"Talk to..to....Zayn" Niall finally said the name he had been avoiding mentioning,even tried to avoid thinking about. Not that that had worked. "Lou...I still  need to know 'why'?"

"Mate, I understand. We all do but I doubt any of us will ever know why. You have to stop dwelling on it, bro. Maybe one day he'll tell us but right now  he's not ready. Look, of all of us, you're the one he really cared about the most. I'm sure he still does. But for his own reasons, he's cut himself off from us. He needs the distance. You gotta' let him go, bro. You gotta' let him go". Louis sounded sad, his heart breaking for Niall. Despite all the work Niall had done with Donal, Zayn's departure still cut him deeply. Niall slumped down next Louis and rested his head on his shoulder, his eyes overly bright with tears he was holding back. Louis wrapped an arm around him in a sideways hug. "Anything else you want to talk about ?" he asked after a few minutes silence.

"Ummh, Lou?" Niall sounded uncertain " I think I've found my Princess"

"In a crowd?" Louis asked jokingly

"Nah, in a hospital" Niall had a shy smile on his face.

"Caiomhe?"

"Yeah, but there's a problem. She's frightened of the hate she might get. She just wants to be friends for now"

"It's a start, mate. And we're on break. Easier to keep stuff under the radar. I'll give you a bit of advice Ni, if you want it?" Niall nodded slowly and Louis smiled " Go for it!. And now my friend, another bit of advice. We'd better go back in before your nurses send out a search party" Louis slung an arm over Niall's shoulders and they walked back inside.

"Tommo. thanks" Niall was quiet" I know you're right. I just can't seem to get over that Zee told me he'd always be there for me  but when I needed him....." Niall's voice trailed away.

"Nialler, he is still there for you. He just isn't in the right place himself to help you.Just remember that. And you got us, and we're not going any place soon. Look mate, I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow" he gave Ni a brief hug and left. He was close to exploding with anger and was afraid he'd lose it if he didn't get away from Niall quickly. He loved Zayn.  Zayn was also a brother but Louis was so mad at him. Zayn had made a promise to Niall and he'd broken it. And Louis wanted to know why.And he was going to find out.....one way or another.