Stumbling through the dark

You Can't Fix Broken

Zayn helped Niall over to  sit on the couch opposite  the one where the others sat.. Niall pulled his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs and  rested his head  on his knees. He couldn't bring himself  to meet the gaze of the other young men.  He was too ashamed, too embarrassed.  Zayn plonked down next to Niall, both arms around his smaller friend, keeping him in a comforting embrace.  Harry, quiet, gentle Harry, got up and knelt before the blond ,Irish man, grabbing his arms and punctuating each word he spoke with a soft shake. "Don't. You.Ever. EVER. Do. That. Again" His breath hitching as he continued "Ni, please, never try and take yourself away from us. We love you and need you, we can't live without you". Harry rested his forehead against Niall's knees as tears slide down his face. Niall released a hand that had been gripping his knee and ran it through the soft , tangled curls of the  sobbing Harry, tears trickling down his own cheeks.

"I'm sorry. Don't hate me. I ..." Niall's voice was raspy and it sounded like it was painful to speak. Louis looked thoughtfully at him then headed to the kitchen to make a hot honey and lemon drink which he carried to Niall , urging him to drink it. Niall gave him a grateful smile as he accepted it. 

"Ni, we'd never hate you. You are our brother. But Ni, why?" Liam wanted to know.

"I can't explain. It's..just don't ask me, please" Niall turned the mug of hot drink in his hands, avoiding looking up.Louis sighed as Niall echoed the words Zayn had used before all this blew up in their faces.

"Bro, they know" Zayn said quietly "They won't talk but they had to know". Niall felt ashamed. Now the boys knew that he was a mess. He'd tried so hard to battle through. He thought he'd had them fooled. He had  wanted to die and he couldn't even manage to do that. He was worthless. And he was going to be even more useless soon. How could he drag the band down with him?

"Why did you stop me? You should have let me go. I want to go" Niall tried to shout at them but the pain in his throat from being forced to vomit up the pills made him sound even more pathetic than he already thought he was.

"Don't you dare say that.  Don't you F.cking dare say that!" Louis screamed at him as he paced wildly up and down. "You selfish Bas*ar*d, did you even stop to think of us? What it would do to us if you died?" Niall shrank back against Zayn who tightened his arms around him, glaring at Louis. "You tried to leave us" Louis' voice was barely above a whisper now "We need you, I need you..." Louis ran from the room, slamming the front door behind himself  and, moments late.r they heard a car driving away. They sat there , the only sound being Niall's mug clattering down onto the wooden floor.

"I....I just wanted some peace" Niall finally  rasped out quietly. "I didn't want to hurt you guys. I just wanted peace" He turned his head into the crook of Zayn's neck and Zayn felt the warm tears falling onto his skin. "I didn't want to hurt you. I thought it was best. " 

"Nialler, you are too important to us.We need you. Yes, you are part of the band, but you are so much more. You are our baby brother. We love you and we really do  need you. We'll always be here for you. Just don't....."Liam broke off as  his emotions rendered it impossible for him to continue speaking.

"Louis hates me" Niall whispered into Zayn's neck.

"No. No, bro. He doesn't hate you. He's just upset. He feels responsible for all of this because he felt he should have known just how down you were. Both this time and the last time." Zayn said soothingly. "He doesn't hate you, none of us do. We are just upset you didn't talk to us. We'd have helped you, Nialler"

"You can't help, nobody can" was Niall's response . "You can't fix broken"

'Ni, just because you are broken doesn't mean you can't be helped. You don't have to do this alone, mate. But you gotta let us in. You've been blocking us at every turn. You just can't do that to us. Please let us help you. We'll do whatever it takes but please, Ni" Harry pleaded .

"I'm too broken, Harry" Niall finally looked up and gave Harry a small, sad smile."I've already fallen apart."

"So we use stronger glue" Harry said with an answering smile. " We'll glue you back together, Ni" Niall was pulled into Harry's strong arms and hugged tightly and suddenly he felt safe again.  Harry's little attempt at humour helped release the tension in the room and soon all of the young men were talking, really talking. Management's hold over Zayn and Niall had been broken. 

Meanwhile Louis drove around aimlessly as he struggled to get his emotions under control. He knew he was always seen as the joker of the band, the most immature one, despite being the eldest. but few realised this wasn't the real Louis. He was much older than his years in so many  different ways but few were ever privileged enough to see that aspect of him. He fought down the shame that was trying to overwhelm him. He'd yelled at Niall when he should have been supportive. Fool, fool.he chastised himself. He pulled the car over and dropped his head down onto his hands that gripped the steering wheel. He still couldn't believe he'd missed all those warning signs. He was the eldest, he should have seen. And damn Management. How dare they do that to Zayn and Niall. Management were as equally responsible as he was for this. Louis sat and brooded until the bleep of his phone broke into his thoughts. 

" He's on his way back" Harry announced, pocketing his phone. "Now young Niall, if you are up to it, we really do need to have that talk. It's long overdue" Niall shook his head, he felt exhausted, his throat and stomach hurt and his head was beginning to ache.

" Can we do this later, I'm not feeling good" Niall spoke quietly.

"Do you think you should go to the hospital, Mate?" Liam went straight into Daddy Directioner mode. "You really should"

"No" Zayn spoke this time, his tone firm " We'd have to explain and it would get out"

"But he needs to see a doctor" Liam was worried.

"Look, I'll see my doctor if I have to but no hospital. I just need to sleep. Don't make me go,Li" Niall looked at Liam, his blue eyes begging him to not make him go.

"OK, but if you don't feel better after you've slept, you're going!" Liam's tone made it clear that Niall would have no choice. "Let's get you upstairs". He scooped Niall up easily and carried him upstairs placing him gently on the bed. Zayn lay down next to Niall and pulled him into his chest, smoothing his hand over Niall's head as Liam stood and watched. Niall very quickly drifted into sleep, worn out by the events of the night. "Will you stay with him, Zee? The boys and I need to talk. We'll fill you in later" Zayn nodded then turned his attention back to the boy he was cuddling and Liam quietly left the room.

When he got back down stairs he saw Louis was back  and was in deep conversation with Harry as they discussed how best to help Niall. They looked up  as Liam entered the room and soon the planning for the future was well under way.

"And I am going to do it " Louis' tone made it clear he wasn't going to be stopped.

"But Lou...." Harry sounded worried  "What if it backfires?"

"You want to go through this for a third  and possibly final time?" Louis snapped

"No, you're right" Harry agreed but he sounded reluctant. But was it wise? Louis could be like a bull in a china shop at the best of times. What if it went wrong. He bit his lip.

"I actually agree with Lou" Liam said , surprising Harry.

"Right, that's settled" Louis sounded both pleased and determined. "We just need to tell Zayn"