Snowbaz One Shots

Anxiety

I was going to post Moving In part 3 today but I'm too excited about this one to not post it right now. I FINALLY WROTE ANGST GUYS. My fanfiction is about 99% fluff and happiness. As great as that is, it gets boring sometimes. So, hence the super duper angsty fic. I'm convinced that this is one of my best ones so far. Just a heads up, I 100% sobbed while writing this. You probably will too. ;)

Have a delightful day! 

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Baz's POV

"I can't keep having this same fight with you, Snow!" My emotions get the better of me. I'm shouting now.
I look down at my boyfriend, who is now sitting on the edge of the couch, holding his head in his hands. I grunt and sit down heavily on the chair next to me.
"I just..." I fight the urge to yell and get more frustrated. "I can't keep doing this."
Simon lifts his head slowly. His tear streaked face startles me and makes me uneasy.
"This...fight?" He looks genuinely hurt. "The fact that I'm an anxiety ridden fuckup and need to be given reassurance every once in a while is just... a fight to you?"
Tears are streaming down his face now. A flood of remorse immediately comes over me.
"I didn't- I didn't mean to..." I stutter helplessly.
"Yeah, okay." Simon gets up off of the couch and storms in to our bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
I really didn't intend to hurt him; I'm just frustrated. Constantly having to reassure the person who you love that you care about them is degrading and feels pointless. But when I put myself in his shoes...
Fuck. I'm such a jerk.
"Simon!" I call out, jumping up from my chair and walking towards the door. I call again and knock on the door. "I want to talk to you. Can I come in?"
There's only silence.
"I'm coming in."
Just as I place my hand on the door knob, it's ripped from my hand as the door whips open.
"I thought that you were the only damn person who understood!" His voice is raised, but wobbly. "How could I be so wrong?" He throws his hands up in defeat and walks away from me.
"Simon! You're not wrong. I just... I fucked up, okay? I was frustrated and I messed up."
"Why does this frustrate you so much? Do you think I can help that I'm the way I am? I've lived my whole life with this. Constantly feeling worthless and unneeded. I thought that I had found the one person who understood that and was willing to look past that to see the person underneath. Please, Baz. If I was completely and utterly wrong about that, please just save me some time and tell me now."
He's never spoken to me like this. I feel my eyes well up and suddenly feel slightly dizzy. I sit down on the bed and hold my head in my lap for a few moments. My head is swimming with apologies and things I have to say that I don't know where to start. Muffled I'm sure, I finally speak.
"You-you aren't wrong. At all, actually. I'm so willing to look past this... it's just hard sometimes." I feel my body regaining some strength, so I stand up again. "Put yourself in my shoes. Constantly having to reassure the love of my life that I adore him and that I'm happy doesn't feel good. It makes me feel like I'm not giving you enough love, Simon."
"I understand that." He's not screaming anymore, but his words are wavering from the tears. "But no matter how hard that is, I can guarantee that what I go through is a million times harder. I can't help it, Baz. I just can't."
We pause and nothing is said for a few minutes. He finally breaks the silence.
"I think we should both be alone for a few hours. I'll go to the living room. You stay here. We both need some space and thinking time right now."
With that, he slinks out of the room. No kiss, no touch, no eye contact.

The first thing I do when Simon closes the door behind him is break down in tears. I've held it together for too long. Suddenly, I feel dizzy again. I sit on the edge of the bed and hold my head in my hands, the sleeves of my jumper soaking through. When my eyes finally run dry, I sit up tall and take three deep breaths. Kicking off my shoes, I stretch myself out on the bed and snatch up Simon's pillow. Inhaling his scent deeply, I begin to think of what I could possibly do to make this up to him.

My eyes snap open. I almost look over to the other side of the bed to see if Simon is there until I remember. I look down and see that Simon's pillow is lying lifelessly in my lap and my clothes are wrinkled and disheveled. Reaching for my phone, I stretch out my weary body.

1:47 AM.

I must have fallen asleep when he left. At the thought of Simon, I silently climb out of the bed and open the door. I creep down the hallway in my socked feet, just in case he's asleep. When I reach the living room, I find Simon curled up in a ball on the couch, shaking. After admiring him for a few moments, I grab the blanket that's draped over the back of the chair and cover his quaking body over with it. Taking a deep breath, I practically crawl back to the bedroom and sit down forcefully on the desk chair. Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen from the drawer, I get to work.

Simon's POV

I wake with a start, gasping slightly. My head is booming and my face is swollen from crying so much. I sit up slowly, rubbing my face.

Did I put this blanket here?

I think nothing more of it. Slumping back on the couch, I notice a folded up piece of paper neatly placed on the coffee table, a plate of cookies and a glass of water by its side. I suddenly notice that my mouth is practically glued shut. Slurping down half of the water, I reach forward for the note. It's not like I don't know who it's from.

Simon,

Your tear streaked face keeps popping up in my head. I hate that. Seeing you cry kills me. But however torturous it is to watch you cry, nothing will ever hurt more than knowing that I'm the reason why you're crying.

I hope you understand how sorry I am. I hate myself for how much I hurt you. God, I'm such an ass... I think it's just difficult for me to understand sometimes. I've never seen the world through your eyes. I've never had to deal with anything like what you go through, really. I can only imagine the struggle that you deal with on a daily basis. Please believe me when I tell you that I want to be there for you to make that struggle as unnoticeable as I possibly can. I'll give you as much love and reassurance as it takes to make everything okay. Any time, anywhere. No problem is too small to fix. I promise.

Simon, I can't imagine my life without you. You're my everything. I've never met anyone so full of compassion and the need to help other people. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anything. Life would be black without you, my love. You're the guiding light that I never knew that I needed until I had it.

Even though I have no idea how long it will take for me to forgive myself for the things I said to you, I hope that someday you'll be able to forgive me.

I love you more than words can describe, Simon.

Love,

Baz

I wipe my eyes and my running nose on the sleeve of my sweater and read the note again. When I'm done, I put it on the table and down the rest of the water. And then I stand up and walk down the hallway.

Baz's POV

My eyes peel open. They burn. Everything burns. I'm so consumed by remorse and misery that it takes me a few moments to notice. Wrapped around my rib cage, holding me tight, are the most familiar arms that I've ever known. I smile wearily and fluidly flip over to face him. Taking a sighing breath, I close my eyes and bask in the moment. Just as I begin to slip out of consciousness, I feel a gentle kiss placed on my forehead. I grin stupidly and cuddle in closer.

Everything is okay. Finally.