Snowbaz One Shots

How Did You Do It?

Ha, funny thing actually. I "forgot" my gym clothes today, so I spent the entire time sitting on the floor of the gym writing this in my brain. It was actually kind of frustrating because when I got around to typing it, I'd already forgotten a lot of what I was thinking. Ah, well. It turned out pretty well. :)

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Simon's POV

"How did you do it?"

"How did I do what, love?"

"How did you keep your love for me a secret for all of those years?"

Based on Baz's horrified expression, I can immediately tell that I've struck a nerve.

Shifting nervously out of my grasp, he stammers, "Why do you ask?"

I shrug.

"I don't know. I'm just wondering...Because I know that if someone asked me to keep my love for you a secret I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm just curious as to how you were so strong." I pick up Baz's hand and rub my thumb back and forth on it.

"Oh," He says, glumly, and takes a deep breath. "Well... it was painful. Quite hellish actually," He bites his bottom lip, thoughtfully. "It was soul consuming. I could never think of anything else. And of course stacked on top of that was the thought that my family would hate me forever if I ever acted my feelings... And then there was the fun time when I thought that the only thing that I could do was off you completely. But I'm sure you remember that all too well, so I won't get in to it..." He grins slightly. I chuckle and plant a kiss on the back of his hand before he continues.

"But to answer your question, it was a lot of suppression. A lot of suppression. I threw myself in to my school work and didn't let myself get too close to anyone. I was scared that if I got to be close with anyone that the truth would come out and soon enough everyone would know. Including you." He chuckles, softly. "Did you know that I stared at you at night?"

I grin and nod my head slowly.

"I did. But of course I thought it was all part of your 'plotting' for your 'master plan' or whatever... Am I ever going to see that in action by the way?" I joke.

He knocks his knee against mine, and manages between giggles, "Maybe someday, love. For now, my 'master plan' is simply to keep you around," He kisses my forehead and then continues. "That was the only time when I allowed myself to look at you, without consequence. When you were sleeping, I mean. When I caught myself sneaking glances at you during any other time, I scolded myself. I'd call myself names and just treat myself like complete shit. But at night it was different. No one was there to catch me and of course you were usually unconscious. I spent hours at a time just watching you breathe steadily. Studying you. Memorizing the exact location of every mole or mark that was visible to me. Fantasizing about tracing them with my finger or cuddling up next to you and kissing each one of them. Whenever you stirred I'd bury my face in to my blankets and pretend to be asleep. My brain refused to realize that my chance at happiness was literally three feet away from me. I just needed to take the chance. It took me a really long time when we started dating to remember that I didn't have to hide anymore. It felt magnificent, of course, but I'd never felt more exposed..."

He stops to wipe away the tears that are running down my face and then his own. I intertwine our fingers when he's done.

"I had no idea," I mutter, staring at our connected hands. "I guess... I guess I'm sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry?" Baz furrows his brow. "All you did was being born beautiful. Not exactly your fault."

I smile broadly and place my hand on his stomach, affectionately.

"I'm sorry because I was so painfully oblivious. And for making you wait for happiness longer than you had to. I was so stupid..." I slam my eyes shut, in attempt to make the tears go away. I feel a reassuring hand squeeze my shoulder.

"Hey. Are you kidding me?" He wipes at my tears. "You were oblivious because I was a total ass. I pushed you down the stairs for Crowley's sake! I was the stupid one."

"How about this?" I say, rearranging my body to mold in to him. "We were both stupid. But now we have each other, so we can be stupid together."

Baz chuckles and rests his cheek on the top of my head, his lanky arms holding me tight.

"Sounds like a plan."

Sj!q