Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

twelve

"Ashton. Ashton! Ashton..." I repeat, letting myself into his room.

"Kelsey, what the fu-" Ashton starts, until he realizes I'm having a panic attack.

"Ash-"

"Hey, come here." He interrupts, quickly making his way over to me. Ashton grabs my hands like he does every time, and pulls me onto his bed.

My heart was racing as I sat down, barely able to catch my breath.

"Okay, are you lightheaded and nauseous like you normally are?" He asks, and I just nod, not able to reply. Though that's how I am feeling, it feels so much worse than the ones I've had this past year or two.

"A- Ashton."

"Shh, Kels, it's okay."

"No, I- I feel numb." I reply, tell him, "I can't- I can't feel my hands." I'm still unable to deal with my panic attacks without Ashton, even though I've been having them since moving to LA.

"That's normal. It happens sometimes. Keeps breathing." He tells me before he starts to quietly sing along to the music he has playing.

Once again, I just nod, listening to Ashton sing softly. He usually just mutters nonsense to try and distract me from my panic attacks, so I think less about how I think I'm dying and more on what he's doing.

"You sing really well, Ashton. You really can do everything." I finally speak up, my voice still weak.

A sheepish smile forms on his lips, "I don't know about that, but thanks."

"No, really. You're great. And you're really great and always helping me with everything." I tell him, letting out a deep breath.

"Do you want to talk about what caused this?" He asks, gently squeezing my hands.

I sigh, shrugging my shoulders, "I think it's just the pressure of school and then there's Michael and then the fucking thought of going back to Seattle it's just- it's a lot."

Ashton frowns, "I know. I just want you to be happy."

"I think I am, for the most part anyways. things just get tough sometimes."

"Are you seeing Michael soon?"

I nod, "Yeah. I'm hoping he makes me feel better. I really just want to cuddle with him right now, you know?"

He lightly chuckles, "I hope things are going well with you guys."

"They are. I really like him, Ashton. Like, I like him a lot. I'm scared. I like him." I tell him, starting to hyperventilate at what I'm saying.

"Kelsey! Calm down!" Ashton exclaims, resting his hands on my shoulders, trying to keep me still as he looks in my eyes.

"I can't breathe-"

"You're going to give yourself another panic attack. It's okay to have feelings, Kelsey." Ashton tells me, weakly smiling at me.

"It's not okay when I'm technically still married! This is getting way more serious than I ever thought." I quietly exclaim, not wanting to be loud just in case Nina or Kyle hear us.

"It's okay to love him. You're over Luke. He's not here. He hasn't been for years. Just open yourself up to falling in love again. Michael is great, he's so great for you. You think he's gonna tell you tonight, don't you?"

I sigh, nodding, not knowing exactly what to say. I don't think I love Michael, yet.

"Kels, you are over Luke, right?" Ashton asks, taking his hands off my shoulders, backing away from me a bit.