Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

forty-six

"Kels... I think we should talk." Ashton says, walking into my room.

"If you're going to yell at me, please just leave." I tell him, turning away from him.

Both Ashton and Nina gave me my space last night. I was so relieved they didn't fight me on it.

"I'm so sorry. It was a lot to process. I know I shouldn't have yelled. I'm so fucking sorry. I feel so fucking bad. It's all I've been able to think about. I'm sorry."

"I know I should've told you sooner. We should've talked about it. I know you probably didn't want to keep it-"

"Hey, don't say that." He interrupts, "I think it would've been hard for us two to have a baby, yeah. But, I never would've forced you to not keep the baby. I wouldn't have forced you to do anything. I would've supported any decision you made."

"Well, there's no decisions to be made. I'm not pregnant anymore. I didn't even want to tell you. I just wanted to let you continue on without this on your mind."

"You can't go through this alone, Kels. I'm glad you told me. It fucking sucks, but I needed to know." Ashton replies, sitting on my bed.

"I'm not alone. I have Nina." I mumble.

"Kels, I think you know I mean with me. I was the... dad." He says, struggling to get through the thought that he was almost a father.

"I didn't need you to be this fucking sad too, though. At least you could've been happy. You didn't have to know." I sniffle, my back still facing him. I can't even look at him. It's so hard.

"It's okay. I can handle this. Please don't worry about me."

I sigh, finally turning to face him. The second we make eye contact I immediately start crying.

"Hey, hey..." Ashton says, quickly coming over to me and pulling me into his arms.

"I'm so sorry." I choke out, clinging onto him tightly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

I continued crying, "I'm sorry..."

Once I start to calm down, Ashton sighs, pressing a kiss to my forehead, "You're okay. I've got you. You're okay."

"I'm trying."

"It's okay. You can take your time. You don't need to get over this right away."

"I lost a baby, Ashton. I know it won't be right away. I wish I could get over it now."

He sighs, and I know he doesn't know what to say. I understand. I don't need him to say anything. Again, he's dealing with this too.

I reach over to my nightstand, opening the drawer to find the ultrasound. I look at it for a moment before turning back to Ashton and handing the paper over to him.

"It's all I have. I wasn't far along, obviously." I tell him, watching him stare at the picture.

"Wow."

"This was around seven weeks. It was actually, uh, from the day Luke was here." I add, Ashton still looking like he can't even talk.

"He knew?"

I sigh, not wanting to admit it, "Yeah. I'm sorry. It just sort of happened."

"It's- uh, it's okay." He replies, though, I really don't think he's okay with it.

I sigh, "I'm really sorry."

We sit in silence for a moment, Ashton pulling me towards him so we could both see the picture.