Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

thirty-one

Though being in Seattle wasn't something I had ever wanted again, at this moment, it was okay. Los Angeles and Seattle were so similar but so different at the same time. In LA, I didn't have this. I never got to sit in a park on the lake, surrounded by nature. Even if I could, it wasn't the same. Nature in Los Angeles was nothing like Seattle. Even though it's freezing here right now, I still appreciate it.

After Luke left, I didn't want to drink. I did my best not to. But I ended up picking up a small bottle of vodka, it was just a couple shots. I had finished it pretty quickly once back at the hotel, before heading back out. I knew I could function with pretty much no issues after that.

Once I had left the hotel again, I had wandered into a store I thought I'd never be back in. When I left Seattle, art wasn't something I did very often. After Luke cheated on me, I stopped completely. Normally, I'd create best because I had so many emotions to use and pour into my art. But every time I pulled out everything to paint, I'd just think about how Luke would sit with me most times I was creating. All of it would make me too sad to continue.

I bought just some of the basics and came straight to the park I'm sitting in now. Luke and I came to this park all the time. It was just something we always did together. A lot of times, I'd bring my art supplies, and Luke would sit with me. What he did depended on the day, though.

It had felt like I was back in high school. It was as if nothing had gone wrong. It was like I was waiting for Luke to show up and he'd sit next to me and do his English homework while I'd set up and paint. He'd sit there asking me random questions that eventually would annoy me, and he'd laugh at me overreact.

Sitting on the bench with my art supplies in the bag next to me, I just keep enjoying my surroundings. The middle of February really wasn't very warm in Seattle, but I didn't care. I wanted to be here.

Pulling at the sleeves of my jacket, I try to cover my hands as I look out to the water. A couple people have passed by, whether walking their dogs, or out for a run. It's not as busy as it is during the summer. I missed the picnics Luke and I would have here over the summer.

"Wha- Kels?"

I quickly look up, seeing Luke standing in front of me, shivering with rosy cheeks.

"Hi, Luke." I mumble, looking down at my lap.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, taking a seat next to me.

"We came here a lot, especially when I didn't feel like sitting in my room to paint. I bought art supplies for the first time in a couple years today. I thought of this place." I tell him, still not able to look at him.

"Yeah. I come here to think. Especially when I'm missing you. When you first found out I cheated, I was cleaning up our place, since, you know, we were going to move out on our own. A whole bunch of your stuff was laying out. I couldn't bring myself to move it. But every time I'd catch a glimpse of all your art supplies, I'd find myself back here. On this exact bench." Luke says, patting the bench, the space between us.

"This spot really meant this much to you, just like it means to me?" I ask.

He nods, "Yeah, of course, Kels."

I sigh, still unable to look at my husband, ex-husband. The two of us don't say anything for a few moments. Neither of us know what to say.

"I signed the papers." He blurts, and I can feel him staring at me as he says it.

"What?" I ask, finally looking up at him.

"You asked. I delivered. I can give them to you before you leave for LA." He replies, a weak smile on his lips.

"Luke, I-"

"I know, it took me so long. I'm so sorry. But I've realized that I shouldn't be putting you through this. I fucking love you, so I want to make you happy. Maybe things will work out, but, I know you need this right now."

"Luke-"

"Hey, it's okay. Maybe when you're finished school or something, you'll have some more time to come visit. I'd like to get to know you all over again. Getting divorced can be like starting over. It sucks, but I get it now."

I just sigh, nodding at what he says.

"All I need to say before I go is I promise I still love you. I know I fucked up in a major way. But my feelings for you have never changed."

Before Luke can go anywhere, I'm quickly pulling him into a hug. He's frozen in his spot for a moment before he sighs and gives in, hugging me back.

He pulls away and I do my best to quickly flash a fake smile.

Luke weakly laughs, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear, "Kels, I know you well enough still to tell when you're faking a smile."

A small laugh falls from my lips, "I'm sorry. This whole weekend has been so hard on me."

"Yeah, I noticed." He frowns.

"I'm sorry for everything I did this weekend."

He shakes his head, "Kelsey, please don't be."

"Luke, I put you through some awful conversations, picking me up blackout drunk, me doing coke after you just found out about everything, the whole Michael thing... I- I'm so sorry."

"I love you, I'd do anything for you. It was hard at some points, yes. But I love you. But even though I love you, I'm ready for you to take the papers. It's time."

"Yeah, about that-"

"Just do it, okay? I have to go. I'm supposed to be at my parents' house right now. I'll text you, you can come by and get them." He tells me, standing up and looking out to the lake.

I nod, "Okay, great."

He waves and smiles at me as he starts his walk. He turns away from me as he makes his way down the path, tucking his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

I don't stay there too much longer. The only reason I was there was to think about Luke, and all the memories this place has. At this point all I wanted to go do is paint, and I never want to paint anymore. So, I decide to head back to the hotel.

Grabbing my bag of supplies, I take my time on my walk. There haven't been many times since I've been here where I've really just taken in my surroundings. Getting to know the city I once loved all over again was really nice.

Back at the hotel I pull out all of my painting supplies and let out a deep breath as I look at them spread across the table.

Painting was such an escape for me. Art in general, was an escape for me. I had always blamed Luke for being the reason I couldn't even use art as an escape anymore. But I can't blame him. I should've used my pain from him to make art. Though I could never seem to bring myself to it. I thought I'd never be able to do this again.

Better late than never though, right?

Beginning to paint, I had felt an overwhelming feeling. I don't know how to explain it. People would say it's just painting, but to me it was more than that. It put me into my own world. At first, I didn't even know what I was painting, but I just went with it.

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I hate the whole end of this chapter but whatever. do I even like this chapter? anyways. I'm out of prewritten edited stuff. my laptop is still fucked. gonna try and sort this out tomorrow. see u soon.