Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

forty-three

"Congrats!" Ashton exclaims, walking into my room with a cake in his hands.

"What?" I quickly ask, panicked that he somehow knows. There's no way he could. I have one ultrasound picture in my nightstand and that's it.

"Uh, your divorce? You're divorced? You told me last night?" He slowly says, confused by my reaction.

"Right, yeah. It's not a big deal." I mumble, and Ashton comes to sit in my bed with me.

"You've waited years for this day. I had to do something to celebrate." He tells me, a smile on his face.

"I'm still sad about it, though. I'm so happy this is over. But I'm sad." I tell him, frowning at him.

"Oh, Kels. I'm sorry. I know you love him, but I- I thought you needed this?"

"I do. I'm so glad it's done. But it still sucks." I reply, a sigh passing my lips.

"Has he called you since?" Ashton asks.

I shake my head, "We're both a little upset about it so I think we're just taking some time to process."

"Good. You probably need that."

I nod, "I do."

"I'll leave this with you. You should eat your feelings. That always makes me feel better." Ashton weakly smiles, leaving the cake on my desk.

He flashes me a small smile again as heads towards my door.

"Should I have not gotten divorced?" I blurt, making him quickly turn around.

"What? No! You had to, Kels. I know you love him. I know you're confused. But this is a clean slate for you. You can start over now."

"I keep telling myself that. I'm trying so hard to believe it. But there's a small part of me that just... I don't know." I mumble, shrugging my shoulders.

"If you two are really meant to be, it'll happen. But right now, being divorced, officially single, is what you need." He replies, finally coming to sit on my bed.

"Yeah. I know. I know that. I'm being stupid." I mutter.

"Will you stop talking down on yourself?"

Rolling my eyes, I quietly mutter, "Whatever."

Ashton sighs, getting up from my bed and heading towards the door.

I curl up in bed, groaning, but trying to not catch Ashton's attention. I've been nauseous, for obvious reasons.

"Are you okay?" He asks, stopping in my bedroom doorway once again.

"Yeah. I've been feeling off these past couple weeks. I'm fine. Just tired." I lie. The morning sickness has been getting to me, but I've somehow managed to not have my roommates notice.

"Kels... I- I know you said you won't. But- uh- you're falling back into the same way you were when you were using. It seems like you're getting sadder everyday. You're getting sick. I just- I really hope you aren't lying to me about relapsing."

"I'm not lying, Ashton! I swear on everything, I will come to you if I need help. I promise. I don't know what to tell you right now. Trust me. Please." I beg, just needing him to believe me. Again, I could just tell him, but I'm not ready to.

"Okay. I believe you."

"Thank you. I'll be ready to talk soon, okay? Just give me some time."

He nods, "I'll leave you be then."

"Thank you. I love you."

"Yeah. Love you too." He mumbles, leaving my room.

I feel awful still about not telling him. I want to, sort of. But I can't. I will. I'll have to. Maybe a couple more weeks. I can do that.

When my phone goes off, I sigh, picking it up.

'I wanted to give you space because of the divorce... but I just really want to talk to you'

'As much as I want to talk to you, I think I need space for now.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. That's okay.'

'I'm sorry. I care about you. This is just a lot. You know what I'm going through right now'

'I get it, it's okay. Don't apologize.'

I sigh, curling back up in bed.

Part of me just wants to call Luke right now and talk to him. Have him make me feel better. But I need this time to myself. We're finally divorced. I need to take a step back and try to figure out what the fuck is going on with the two of us. We're just friends. I want it to stay that way for a while. But I love him. I always will.

"Uh, sorry to bother you again..." Ashton starts as he barges into my room, "Michael's here."

"What? Why?" I question.

"He said he wanted to hang with me since we haven't seen each other in a while. But then he asked if you were here and if you could quickly talk."

"You know how I feel right now. I can't. Oh my god. Tell him I'm sick. I'm literally about to throw up." I tell him, before gagging. I really do feel sick. I'm eight weeks, the morning sickness is awful.

"Jesus, okay. Yeah." Ashton says, before leaving my room.

As I'm starting to fall asleep, since I just want to nap this off, my phone goes off. I quickly glance at it, seeing Michael texted me.

'Kels, if you don't want to talk, just tell me. You don't need to lie.'

I groan, before texting him back.

'Come upstairs.'

After a couple minutes, there's a knock at my door. I know it's Michael, he lets himself in when I tell him to.

"What's going on?" I ask right away, just wanting to get this conversation over so I don't throw up on him.

"I just wanted to catch up. I just wanted to make sure we're okay. I was hoping that we could just... talk."

"I mean, I'm sick, so there isn't much to catch up on with me. I've been living in my bed." I deadpan, almost wanting to show him how annoyed I am with him.

"I'm sorry, I just- I really wanted to see you."

"I-" I start, but quickly stop, needing to run to the bathroom.

Morning sickness has the worst name, because it really hits at any time.

"Kels, are- are you okay?" Michael asks, appearing in the bathroom doorway, thankfully after I was done.

"I wasn't lying about being sick." I mumble, slouched next to the toilet.

"I- I'm sorry." He replies.

I sigh, "It's fine. I- I think I just ate something bad. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Are you sure?"

"Michael, I love you, but I'm sick, wanting to relapse, and just got divorced. I cannot do this right now. I'd love to talk to you when I'm not dying. I'm going to brush my teeth then go curl up in bed."

"Uh- oh, uh, okay. Yeah. Okay." He stammers, backing out of the bathroom.

Sighing again, I get up so I can brush my teeth. I definitely shouldn't have said any of that to Michael, I shouldn't have even told him to come up and talk to me.

Once I'm done, I go back to my room. All I wanted was to get some sleep. That's all I ever want to do.

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hi I hope this is ok