Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

fifty-one

Knocking at Ashton's bedroom door, I try to taking deep breaths.

"Come in."

"Hey..." I trial off, in the middle of a panic attack, but also worried that Ashton maybe didn't want to talk. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster recently.

"Are you okay?" He questions, looking up from his laptop and moving it to his nightstand. Holding his arms out for me, Ashton waits for me to join him in his bed.

"My first exam is tomorrow and I'm panicking. What if I fail, Ashton? I want to graduate. I want to be done. I'm doing so bad in my classes after everything that's happened these past months."

"I thought you were doing okay in school?"

"Sort of? But these are finals. Oh my god, these are our final finals. Oh my god? What happens after that? I just, move onto real life? I can't handle real life, Ashton."

"You've been hit with a lot of real life already, Kels. I'm pretty sure you can handle it." He softly laughs, pulling my close and gently squeezing me.

"Yeah, but is it not going to get ten times harder?"

"For the rest of us, probably. I'm sure shit will get easier for you, because again, you've already been hit with a lot of real life."  He tells me, leaning his head on mine.

"I'm going to have to decide what I'm going to do, though."

"About?"

"Luke." I sigh, before muttering his name.

"What about, though? You've been talking to him. You're going to need time to figure stuff out."

"Do I belong in Seattle? Like, should I be going back? For good?" I ask, knowing I don't even want to go back there for good. It just seems like maybe I'm supposed to.

"I hope not, you already signed the lease to stay here for at least another six months." He chuckles.

"I don't know what to do. I love it here, I love you guys. I feel like I'm really romanticizing Seattle. I need to calm down." 

"Don't move to Seattle if your only reason is Luke."

"Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Why am I even thinking about this? I was having a panic attack about finals, now it's about finals and my entire life!" I exclaim, starting to panic again.

"Hey, Kels, you're okay."

"I just wish I fucking knew what the right thing to do was."

"Yeah, life would be a lot easier that way."

We sit in silence for a few moments, the two of us just cuddling together.

"Ash,  I know I shouldn't be thinking about anything to do with Seattle right now because I should be studying, but do you think I'm being stupid? About all of this?"

"Not stupid, no. I just think maybe you should be a bit more cautious. I don't know, you've said before I never actually knew him and I still don't."

"I'm not going to think about this until I go back to Seattle. Yeah. I'm gonna do that. Thanks to Kyle I'll be there early, I'll be able to sort through things, maybe?"

"Yeah, of course. It'll help you to be there. It'll help you to talk through it with Calum and Kiana. They know him."

"Michael was supposed to come to Kiana's wedding with me. Is it... is it bad to ask her if I can bring Luke?"

"Can you handle that?"

"I think?"

"Then why not ask her?"

I shrug, "Luke cheated on me. She kinda hates him. I honestly don't even know if I want that."

"She's going to have to get over that if you're bringing him back into your life."

"I should hate him."

"I've told you before, this is okay. As long as you're being careful, and smart about it."

"What if I'm not? What if I'm just being a dumb bitch?"

"I trust you. I think you're going to be fine. Inviting him to the wedding might really help you figure some things out." He says.

"I don't want to keep talking about him." I reply, just over this for now.

"Okay. That's fine."

"One other thing. Has Nina talked to you about me being married? I haven't heard from her since. Which is awkward since we live in the same house." I asks, sitting up to face him.

"Yeah, she asked me about it. She asked when I found out. She wanted to just know a bit more. I didn't really give her much, it's not my thing to talk about."

"Thanks, Ashton."

"You don't need to thank me. I shouldn't be spreading any of your business to anybody. You two should be talking about this."

"Do you think she'll talk now?"

He shrugs, "It doesn't hurt to try."

-

After going to eat something, I went up to Nina's room, knocking on her door. She yells at me to come in, so I let myself in, closing the door behind me.

"Oh. Hey." She says, pausing the show that she was watching on her laptop.

"Can we talk?" I ask, my hands nervously fidgeting.

"Aren't we right now?"

"Why are you so upset with me?"

Nina sighs, "It fucking sucks you didn't tell me, Kelsey! It hurts. I don't understand why you didn't just tell me when we moved into that fucking dorm room together."

"Because it was personal. It was something I wanted to tell my friends when I was ready. I didn't want to go into college married. We literally met a married girl at a party one night and you and Ashton were making jokes about her. I figured I'd hold out for a little while. But then Luke and I got divorced. Why the fuck would I want to tell you guys about it when I'm getting divorced?"

"I'm sorry Ashton and I made you feel that way, but you still told Ashton."

"Because I was sobbing and my wedding ring was out on the table! Something was up, I had to tell him!"

"I just wish you then would've told us all. We could've been there for you. Being married is something really big in your life, and you didn't tell us."

"I understand you're upset. I really do. It's just- it's the past now. It happened. But I don't know if I'd change it if I could go back. I love you guys, so much, but you don't know how fucking insane and crazy and just... it's been a lot!"

"I really just can't believe this. I don't know what I'm supposed to say, because it sucks. I'm sorry you've had to go through this."

"I'm sorry too. I never meant to hurt anybody. I was just trying to help myself."

"Yeah. Okay. I get it." She mutters, before pulling out her phone.

"Well, I have studying to get back to..."

"Yeah."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, before I awkwardly escort myself out of her room.

I guess it's still not resolved? We're still not speaking, maybe? I was hoping for more clarity from her, but that clearly didn't happen. Honestly, right now I have bigger worries. Nina and I usually get over arguments quickly, though nothing has ever been over something this big.

There's nothing I can do right now, I just have to focus on studying as preparing for whatever might happen in Seattle.

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hiiiii idk about this chapter???? Seattle is coming soon tho soooooo