Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

twenty-eight

My usual dealer in LA knew I'm from Seattle, I had told him. He gave me the number of his friend out here who could help me out whenever I was in Seattle. Though I had deleted our messages and his number, I knew I still had the Seattle one, because frankly, I had forgotten about until now.

That's how I ended up with a small bag of cocaine, as I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room.

"Just one bump won't hurt, right?" I mumble to myself as I struggle to find my keys.

Once my keys are in my hand, I use one to scoop some of the white powder from the bag. I stare at it for a few moments before bringing it up to my nose, inhaling the white power. But part of me missed this. It happened. Why not go all out? So, I did a line.

There's a light knock at the door and I hear it open, quickly rushing to close the tiny bag and toss it into the drawer. But the bag didn't close, and most of the powder spills onto the nightstand.

"Fuck!" I exclaim, my head dropping into my hands as I give up.

"What's going on, Kelsey?" Luke asks, clearly worried, "I sent you a text I was coming, I..."

"This wasn't how I wanted you to find out. I never wanted you to find out." I tell him, unable to look up at him.

"No. Kels, please, no." He stammers, not knowing what to say, seeing what's going on.

"I'm so sorry, Luke, I- I..." I trail off, my mind not being able to piece together a full thought.

"What the fuck?" He mutters, clearly not knowing what to say.

I finally look up at him, using my finger to make sure that there's no residue on my face, "Luke, listen to me, I-"

"I don't know what to say." He interrupts, unable to look away from me.

"I don't know why I care what you think, but please don't be mad." I beg, the two of us keeping eye contact. We both felt so uncomfortable, but we couldn't look away.

"I can't be happy about this! What are you doing coke for!"

"Come on, everybody in LA does this. It's okay." I try to convince him. Though it's fairly true, he wouldn't buy it.

"Fuck that, Kelsey. Do your friends know about this?"

"They used to." I sigh, thinking about how I have no idea what I'm supposed to tell them now that I've relapsed.

"What are you talking about?" He asks, finally sitting down next to me.

"They found out I was doing it after I overdosed." I tell him, my voice weak as I struggle to open up to him.

"Wait, what?"

"They don't know about this. I've been sober since then. So, now, they don't know about this." I add, referring to the fact they know I used to, but obviously they wouldn't know about what just happened.

"Can we go back to the fact you said you overdosed? Kels, what's going on?" Luke asks, not knowing how he's supposed to handle this situation.

I sigh, shaking my head, "Can I just clean up these illegal drugs before we get into this? I don't even want to tell you but at this point it seems like I don't have a choice."

Luke doesn't say anything as I clean up the mess I made. He just stares down at the floor, his feet shuffling around, probably because he's nervous. It doesn't take me long to clean up, even though at one point I stopped and just looked at how much money I had wasted.

When I sit back down, it's so awkward that I don't want to speak up. But I do anyways, after clearing my throat, "I'm sorry."

"Please just tell me what's going on." He begs, "You're my wife, Kelsey. Please."

"First of all, I am not your wife. Don't fucking say that." I snap, quickly looking up at him.

"I mean-"

"No."

"Fine. Please, just talk to me."

I sigh, "I don't really want to get into this. I overdosed because it was laced. But I was okay. I got help."

"Kelsey..."

"Please don't feel bad for me, and please don't treat me like I'm so fragile I could break at any moment. I've had enough. I don't need it from you too." I tell him, not looking up at him.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

I sigh, "I know. It's hard. That's why I don't tell people. That's why I didn't want to tell you. I really don't want you to think less of me."

"I never would, Kelsey. I fucking love you. This is just something to work through."

"I've been trying to. It's so hard. I thought I was okay. Being here broke me. Fuck, I haven't craved it this bad since before I was sober." I say, tears filling my eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

"I don't know what to do anymore. People deal with worse. People have more severe addictions to drugs that are so much worse but I'm here like this and-"

"What you're going through is valid, Kelsey! Stop that!"

"I feel horrible about it."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do!"

"Kelsey...." He sighs, not knowing how to deal with me. Luke hasn't had as much practice as everybody else back home.

"Luke, I don't want to talk about this." I whisper, wiping the lone tear that managed to slip past my eyes.

"Hey, shh, it's okay." He murmurs, scooting closer to me. Beginning to wrap his arms around me, but pauses, not sure if I'll even let him.

But when I lean into it, his body relaxes as he wraps his arms around me, letting out a happy sigh.

After a few moments of sitting in Luke's arms, him gently rocking me, I realize what's happening. Quickly I move out of his grasp, and over so I'm not sitting so close.

"What's wrong?" He asks, clearly worried.

I clear my throat, "Nothing. This just isn't right. We aren't together. I don't want this. Also, the- uh, I'm high."

"Oh. Yeah. Are you okay though?"

Nodding, taking a deep breath, "I'm okay, Luke. "

"Okay. Well, maybe right now isn't the best time to talk about us. Is there anything I can do to help you right now?"

"The comedown shouldn't be too bad, I don't know though, since it's been a while. I'm gonna grab some water. Can you open the window? I would always need fresh air. Can you play music or something? Fuck, I'm starting to panic. I'm gonna drink water, yeah." I ramble, quickly jumping up to grab water.

Luke just looks at me as if he's stunned but does what I tell him. I grab a bottle of water, taking a sip.

"Do you need anything else?"

I shake my head, "I'll be fine. The comedown, and remembering this almost killed me will be enough for me. You can go home. I'm gonna order in dinner."

"You're sure?"

I nod a few times, taking another sip of water, "I'm sure."

Although, I wasn't. I just didn't want to put Luke through this. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I don't want him to. I didn't even want him to know. So, I'll send him home. I'll be fine alone.

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oof. get ready for the next one. also, stream easier!