Living In South Park

38

I got home and the doctor was there, waiting. "So, how are you doing today, Sarah?" "Alright." I shrugged and we talked for a few hours, I made tea without setting anything on fire or blowing anything up, then he had to go.

I ate a quick dinner and went to bed. The bed seemed colder without Kenny in it, and I soon found myself shivering. I threw on some sweat pants and knee high warm socks and went back with blankets covering me.

When I got up the next morning, I got dressed and drove to the bus stop to pick up the guys, but they didn't get in. Maybe they just wanna ride the bus or something. Maybe my car smells and I'm scent blind.

So I got to school and no one would talk to me, not even the girls. They still smiled at me and acted friendly towards me thanks to Wendy, but they knew I was really friends with the guys.

I left at lunch and continued that routine for a week. None of the guys talked to me, Kenny wouldn't even look at me anymore, and I don't know what I did wrong.

So I fell silent again.

I didn't talk, I didn't sing, I didn't make a sound. I didn't need to, anyway. The doctor stopped coming, Dale got a new girlfriend and was spending all his time over at hers, and none of my friends or Kenny even looked at me.

I found myself slipping back into the depression I was stuck in before I found people who accepted me. When did I realise this? When I found myself kneeled over on my bed, crying, black makeup stains all over my hands and face.

So I went to the drugstore and got some antidepressants, even though I know they don't work on me. I stopped going to school because I didn't care anymore. I started the self-harming again, though I know I shouldn't.

Tonight I went to the gas station and bought two gallons of gasoline for Baby. One was for her, the other was for the woods. I went out and parked near the park and carried the gasoline to the clearing. I got some branches and made a huge pile and dumped the gas all over it. I lit my lighter and fired up a twig, placing it at the base and watched as the whole thing erupted in flame.

I backed up and got rid of the evidence of the gasoline container and threw it in, causing another eruption of flames as it consumed the gasoline-soaked plastic.

I drove off and watched it burn from a far, then went back home to see it on the news. Of course, they have no idea who caused the fire, but it was getting bigger by the minute. And since its a gas fire, they can't put it out with water too easily. I know I'm smart.

I went to sleep with the tears streaking down my face and I couldn't do a damn thing.

Maybe I should have thrown myself in the fire or soaked myself in the gas.

No, I can't think like that anymore. But I can't help it, either.

I need help.