Living In South Park

69

I spent two days stressing over the list I had made.

Kenny McCormick
Kyle Broflovski
Stan Marsh
Eric Cartman
Bebe Stevens
Butters Stotch
Clyde Donovan
Craig Tucker
Jimmy Valmer
Pip Pirrup
Red What's-her-last-name
Scott Malkinson
Timmy Burch
Token Black
Tweek Tweak
Wendy Testaburger
Esther What's-her-last-name
Heidi What's-her-last-name
Jason What's-his-last-name
Jessie Who-cares
Kevin Whatever-his-name
Lola What's-her-face

I spent hours poring over who I wanted as my recruits. I crossed off names easily and was left with nine names. Picky much?

The morning announcements came on and I got up and made my way to the office, waiting for the kid to finish.

"Okay, thank you. Now move." I said and pushed him out of the way and took over the mic.

"ATTENTION! Ha, I've always wanted to do that. I would very much appreciate it if the darling Kenny McCormick, and Kyle Broflovski, Stanley Marsh, Fatass Cartman, Butters Stotch, Clyde Donovan, Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, and Wendy Testaburger meet me in the gym. Thanks!" I said and ran out to the gym and saw them all wait.

"Hi, honey." Kenny smiled. "Hello, darling." I said and pecked his lips. "Okay. You all must have no clue what's going on, right?" I said and Clyde raised his hand. "Yes, Donovan?" I said.

"Why are you wearing those high heels?" He asked, gesturing to my black pumps. "When women wear them, it makes them look professional, dangerous, and absolutely amazing. I'm wearing these to get that point across." I said and they nodded.

"So anyway, you are here cos you must know about the war going on between my mother and I, correct?" I said and they nodded. "Well, I've looked at everyone, and they just don't fit my bill. You nine do." I smiled.

"I made a list and picked the people who I thought could handle this. So, in this fight, no one knows when it will start, no one knows how long it will last, and no one knows what will happen during this fight. So will you join me in this war, or will you wimp out and be seen as pathetic in my eyes?" I asked.

"Step forward if you want to join." I said. Immediately, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Wendy stepped up. "Good, are these the only people in here with balls?" I asked and Craig stepped up. "I was hoping you'd join, Craig. You can be useful." I nodded. "Wow. Thanks." He said as unemotional as always. "Anytime, sweetheart." I said and my eyes widened and my hands clapped over my mouth.

"Ah SHIT!" I swore and sighed. "Alright. Anyone else?" I said, and they all looked at each other and waited. "Cartman, I didn't expect this of you. I half expected you to be one of the first to step up." I said and walked so I was right in front of him.

"Guess you're not even a fourth of the man I expected then." I shrugged and walked along. When I turned, he was standing right beside Stan and Craig and Clyde. "That's what I thought. Good man, Clyde. I was hoping you'd join too." I nodded. And moved on down.

I got to Tweek and Wendy and smiled. Tweek was the last to step up. "Wendy, I was hoping you'd join too. I'm proud of you." I said and she nodded with a faint smile. "Thanks." "Sure, doll." I said. "Tweek, you're not going to join?" I asked. "It's so much pressure!" "I'm sure you can handle it. You're tough, aren't you?" I said.

"Y- GAH! Yeah." He twitched. "So just take a tiny step up and I'll count it. C'mon, Tweek. Ready to be a man?" I said and he took a step up and I grinned. "Perfect. This is absolutely perfect." I sighed and went back to my place.

"Sarah?" Kyle asked and I turned my attention to him. "Yeah?" "Why us?" He asked. "You want specific reasons?" "Sure."

"Kenny cos I know he's gonna stand by me no matter what, same for you Kyle and Stan. Cartman because I know he's not going to like being left out. Butters cos I know he's just dying to prove himself, and I know there's a bit of darkness in him that's dying to get out." I said and moved down the line again. "Yes, ma'am!" Butters saluted me and I smirked.

"Clyde cos Craig can't be alone with Tweek. Craig, cos I actually like you, Craig. You have a likeable attitude and you can say 'fuck you' to anything that moves and not give a single fuck. I like that." He just stared at me. "Tweek, because I also like Tweek a lot. He's cute. Kinda like a twitchy little puppy, but I can tell he's really tough somewhere down there. And dear Wendy. I need a fellow girl and a natural born tough one, too. That's why I chose each of you." I said and backed up again.

"You just chose me so Craig wouldn't be lonely?" "Sort of." I shrugged. "So you really don't need me at all." "No, other way. You need me. Clyde, I'm cruelly honest, you know that. I don't lie unless I need to. Like when I went to juvi for beating that guy to near for saying stuff to Kenny and touching me? He never laid a finger on me, but I needed a cover, didn't I? I only lie when completely necessary." "The point?" Clyde asked.

"The point is that you cry a lot and that needs to change. Seventeen year olds don't cry over every little thing, and I'm going to toughen you up a bit. I'm not saying it's not okay. It's perfectly okay to cry, but I don't think it's healthy to cry that much." I said and he nodded.

"Just saying that I don't want you to end up in a hospital or something." I shrugged. "Hey Sarah?" Stan asked. "Yeah?" "Are you starting a gang, and are we your recruits?" He asked and I paused.

"If that's the way you want to see it, okay. I guess so." I said. "That was your plan the whole time, wasn't it?" Cartman asked. "Kind of, fatass. It just kinda freaks people out of you call them to a meeting and ask them if they want to join your gang!" I yelled at him and he backed up in shock.

"Sorry. Alright. Does anyone object at this point?" I said and no one moved. "Aw, you guys are either scared or loyal. Both are nice. Well, until next time. Kenny, I wanna talk with you." I said and he walked over to me. "She means screw by talk!" Cartman yelled as they walked back to class.

We walked out of the gym and to my car. Then we went for a walk. "What is it? You seem nervous." He said and took my hands in his, kissing my knuckles.

"I just don't know how you're gonna take this." I sighed. "Baby, just tell me." He said and I sighed. "The person I'm going to be over the next few weeks, you may not like... You may even hate her." I said. "What do you mean?" He asked.

"I mean I'm going to have to try acting like my mother. That's how to win this war. To beat her at her own game, I need to act like her. And that's going to be hard." "I'll still love you. No matter what." He said and I sighed. "But I'm going to be mean, rude, downright psychotic. My bad, dark, demented side is going to come out, and I don't want you to be scared or something." I said and hugged him tightly.

"Remember Halloween? I watched you murder your Uncle, I think I can handle it." He said and I nodded. "Of course. Just felt I should warn you. I love you so much." I said and kissed him hungrily.

"I love you too." He smiled and kissed me back just as hungrily, turning this into a heavy makeout session.