Disruption • P.JM

e i g h t

"Okay, so you guys fought, she moved away, why is she 'dead to you'?" I was being persistent about that phrase. It hurt me a lot. It only gave me more reason to keep my identity hidden.

"I say that a lot, whenever Tae or anyone else has asked about her. She left me, not just because I hurt her, but because she wanted to hurt me." He took a deep breath as he continued.

"Seulgi always told me she never cared for me and only stuck around for the possibility of BTS making it. I was so torn with the idea because it didn't make sense that someone like her was so stuck to me. So, I started saying she was dead over and over again to make myself forget about her." He spoke and his face cringed in pain as he finished his story.

"Seulgi had broken my phone so I had lost her contact info and she never tried to reach out to me, so I started to believe what Seulgi said about her." 

He turned and looked at me with a forced small smile, I didn't even realize how wide my eyes had gotten listening to him.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate your ex, too." He let out a laugh as I attempted to relax him. 

"And as for your friend, I mean, who cares anyways? She was some foreigner and you both moved on. Why did you let it affect you so much?"

"Seulgi said that a lot about her, too." He started, rolling his eyes this time.

"Foreigner." He breathed the word out, "Like it was something dirty. I never thought that about her. She was home for me, I couldn't think of her like that." 

Liar, I thought. Why did you call me that? But he didn't go on and I didn't want to let on that I knew that. Does he remember calling me that, or is he just victimizing himself? He suddenly sighed, harshly, and I knew he had more he was trying to keep from me.

"What? What else?" I smiled at him. Come on, say it. Say what you said about me so many years ago.

"I'm just...remembering the fight she and I had years ago, I said such awful things to her; I called her so many names..." his words trailed off like he was so deep in his memories.

"Like foreigner?" I finally just threw it out there. Admit it. This wasn't all me.

"No!" He shouted, nearly rocking our chair as his body jolted in my direction.

"I would never say that. She hated that word. It made her feel so alone in this country...Like she was nothing. I couldn't say that to her no matter how mad I was." 

Seugli had told me that he said that about me when we were fighting...Seugli. That bitch. I've never felt so stupid. We're too far in this now though. I can't tell him now.

"I'm sorry you lost a friend, but I can tell you that she feels just as horrible, if not, then even more." He turned his gaze towards me, his eyes locking with mine. He seemed to be desperately looking for solace.

"What makes you think so?"

"Seeing you go from acting like a complete ass to a mushy mochi over this girl makes me believe that there is no way she doesn't feel bad about leaving. She probably feels like something is missing. I believe that she is probably sitting awake right now just because you are. I'm sure she loves and misses you."

He smiled at me and I have to admit, I have missed that smile and our talks and our relationship in general. 

Of course, I had feelings for him before, but Seulgi made me believe that he wouldn't have anything to do with a foreign girl before. I didn't know that he thought I'd never have been into him. This sucks.