Disruption • P.JM

t h i r t y o n e

Jimin P.O.V.

The morning sky came out so grey. I didn't mind it though, it felt as dead as I felt. 

It wasn't her. 

It wasn't her. 

I kept repeating it to myself, hoping that it would soon sink in and I could move on. I don't know what I felt at the moment. 

Disappointment? Anger? Relief? 

I don't know. I thought for a minute, for just a minute, that I had gotten her back. I didn't know if I wanted her back, but I thought I had her back.

This girl, this Tina made me feel so many different ways that I forgot I could feel when I wasn't with the other boys. 

She took that gap of loneliness away whenever I saw her. It was like no one else was there when we were in a room full of people and even when there was no one else there, she was. 

I went out of my way for her attention. 

I needed it. 

She opened up this part of me that I kept locked away because of all the pain it brought back from my past, and I found myself clinging to her. She was like breathing after swimming underwater for too long.

A breath of relief.

A breath of life.

She wasn't her, but that didn't stop the fluttering I felt all over my body as I watched her sleeping in front of me. 

She looked so peaceful, so light, so angelic. Her skin looked so smooth and strands of her hair were sprawling over her face. Her breathing was steady as I watched her back lift and descend. 

I reached over and moved the dark and fading blue strands out of the way to see the serene look on her face. 

In her slumber, she looked like stoic, like everything I've done to her the past couple of weeks just went over her head. She was so quick to forgive me every time I made any attempt to remedy our altercations. 

I wanted to believe that it was because she didn't want to lose me either. I wanted to believe she felt the same way I felt, but I had to ground myself. She had a job to do, a contract to abide by. 

She had to be here.

But still, I let myself relish these moments and take in the views I currently had. She is a sight, a flame, a peace. 

This was exactly how I spent most of last night. Unable to sleep, trying to wrap my head around accepting that this wasn't who I thought or maybe even who I hoped that she was. 

I watched her dream. I watched her stir, turn over, mumble a little, and every once in a while, she would even reach for me. 

She wouldn't put an arm around me; she wasn't trying to cling herself to me, but she reached for me. 

She would unknowingly brush her fingertips on me or lightly place her hand over my chest, and that meant more to me. That felt like she needed to make sure I was still here, that I didn't leave her. 

It was a small gesture that felt like desperation. And I know what it felt like to reach out for someone and feel nothing. I know what it felt like to dream of someone and search for someone I knew was gone.

So, I made sure I was there. 

Every time she reached for me, I moved into her touch. Wherever her hand searched, I made sure she found me. It calmed me to see her hunting for me.