Loving November Grace

36.1

</3 theme, maybe trigger warning, just a little sad. 

Shoutout CapuLaPlume because your votes are so appreciated!!

He left after he dried off and put his clothes back on.

I stayed sat on my bed in my towel, just watching him.

He kissed me goodbye and I sent him a smile.

A very tired smile.

He said he'd see me at school tomorrow, but I knew I wasn't going to go.

I was too tired for tomorrow already.

I didn't walk him to the door, I just let him go and I stayed sat cross legged in the middle of my mattress, in the middle of my unmade bed and I looked at the wall in front of me.

Zane was dead?

Ryan.

Dylan.

Dylan wasn't a good person to me, he was cruel, he watched Yuan treat me how he did and he would be amused by it. 

But to be fair he was off his face by then. 

Dylan wasn't my brother then, he wasn't even a person. Not to me, anyway.

By the time I started seeing Yuen, Dylan's drug habit had turned into an addiction much like my mums and I had stopped trying to mend the money situation. 

Yuen was in love with me and Stuart saw me as a daughter, he took care of them for me.

I tried to get air into my lungs and I knew it was closing up, lifelines failing because who deserved to live? Not me.

No...

I refuse to let it crawl back in. I push the heaviness away and gasp for breath.

Is this what it feels like to get bad again? Is that why I have been so foggy the last few days? Am I drowning in the air that just a week ago was so filled with hope and not despair?

I squeeze my eyes shut and force it away.

When I open my eyes again my heart freezes at the fact it was now fully dark outside, that my hair was almost dry and I had just been sat in the middle of my bed, trying to breathe and steady myself for what could have been hours.

I am fine.

Life is funny isn't it?

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, to rebuild one broken part of yourself, another breaks and how can you catch the pieces with you hands already filled with glass?

I am getting dragged backwards.

But all I could do was stare at the wall in silence with tears in my eyes.

For hours.

Until I heard the soft sound of bird song and I let out a breath which felt as if it had been trapped inside me all year long.

My eyes close and I lie down, squeezing my knees into my chest and I continue the breathing techniques I had etched into my survival pack.

In and out.

In and out.

Because I deserved to live and by morning, by daylight, it will be better.