Loving November Grace

65

hi! I missed yous- 

Happy Reading:

Nova's POV

Sitting down on the chair in front Dr Thompson I gave her a small smile.

You know who I miss?

Baldy.

Tristan.

Everyone here was brilliant but like I just, I wanted to have a session with him.

Do you recon he is disappointed in me?

We had been having sessions to prevent what happened from happening.

And well I wasn't brave enough at the time. To recognise what was happening and put a stop to it. I was in denial and I was scared.

It's been a few weeks now, in here. Everyone had just started their summer holidays and I was working on getting well enough to get out.

I was definitely coming out of mania, which was such a good thing.

But I could feel all the staff's eyes on me, waiting to see if I would fall back into a depression because that is what sometimes happens.

In my opinion, because I had a mixed features episode, I think I will be fine. Then again, they are the professionals.  I feel okay though, stable. 

The only thing is, I am not numb, not as I was before. When I was on this medication.

It used to wipe me out, but I can feel things. Like when I am talking to Liam and laughing and smiling, when I am thinking about what happened, I feel the fear and the guilt that I put my friends through. I feel emotions, pretty fully and I don't know if I am supposed to.

She is watching me curiously, Dr Thompson. Watching as I was just thinking. As I was just in my own head.

"Hey." I say and she smiles softly.

"How are you doing?" She asks.

"I am okay... But a little- confused about the medication. It is a lower dosage? Why can I feel so much still?"

She frowns at me and then types it into her computer.

"Nope this is the dose we usually give out. Are you still feeling a little high Nova?"

I think about it. But I honestly feel fine, stable. But I also am feeling things. I don't know I am a little messed up, I am sure everyone is aware. I don't know how I am feeling.

"I don't think so. I think I am coming back to stability, but I also feel high and low, like I can feel stuff."

She nods and smiles. "What you are feeling, are you in any distress? Your highs and lows, do you feel extreme?"

I shake my head quickly. "Not at all, I just, I think they're just normal. But usually on this dosage of lithium, I am blank."

"Oh, we have you down on Valproate now."

I blink and wrap my arms around myself.

"Wait what?"

"We changed you from Lithium as your key psychiatrist spoke to us about how Lithium was used as you were much younger but we thought we should try you on something different."

"Aren't you supposed to tell me?" I grit and she looks at me confused.

"We did."

"No you didn't, I thought I was on lithium."

"Okay." She nods. "It is still a mood stabiliser; it does the same thing. It is just more for long term management."

I feel annoyance bubble in me, just on the topic of medication. Because I have always felt out of control with having to swallow tablets provided for me and now I know they weren't what I thought they were, I am freaked out.