Love Maze | BTS Poly

Let Me Know

I sit against the headboard. It's still dark outside. I have no idea what time it is or when the sun is supposed to rise. It can't be much longer though. This night has felt like an eternity. I'm in the middle of two men who are sleeping soundly, contentment being exhaled with each deep breath they take. They're completely still. They haven't moved the entire night. Not even when I sat up, when I went to get a drink of water, nor when I returned to the bed. I envy them. I wish I could be like that. But I can't. I'm too disgusted with what I've done to sleep.

I dozed off just fine, exhausted from our time together. I awoke maybe thirty minutes later with a wave-no, tsunami of guilt. Yeah, that term fits the bill.

I don't know why I feel so wrong about what happened. We're consenting adults, after all. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, it doesn't help. I just want the world to swallow me whole right now. Things went too far. And I'm ashamed of it.

"Noona? What're you doing up so early?" Jungkook wonders once he notices that I'm no longer lying next to him.

"Just thinking."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I hesitate for a second and then ask, "Do you regret it?"

Although I can't see Jungkook's face well, I'm ninety-nine percent sure it's a look of confusion. "Hm?"

"Never mind. I'm going to sleep on the couch," I tell him, shimmying out from underneath the covers.

"Wait," he halts me, grabbing my wrist. "What's going on?"

I shake my head.

"Do I regret what? Talk to me."

I sigh, sitting back down. "Do you regret what we did tonight?"

"No, why would I?"

"Because you don't know me."

"You said that we're friends."

"I did, but-" I cut myself off, not being able to find the words to convey what I need to. Eventually, I say, "Yes, we are friends, but what kind of friends do that? Friends with benefits? Is that what we are? We only met, like, a week ago, dude. I really liked how our friendship was developing and... I've ruined it. You probably think I'm just another easy American now."

"Whoa, there. Absolutely not. Don't forget that I'm the one who initiated it, not you. Where did you get the idea of being an easy American?"

"My brain."

He ruffles my hair. "Stop using it."

I giggle. "Hey!"

"I'm serious, Noona. Please don't think poorly of yourself. All three of us wanted to do it, so we did. Nothing wrong with that."

Relief washes over me and I can breathe properly again. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I am," Jungkook chuckles to himself. "I hope you stick around so that we can keep building this friendship. And we don't have to do anything sexual if that makes you uncomfortable. We can just be friends. Does that sound like a plan?"

A smile creeps across my lips and I nod. "I'd love that."

"Good. The others like you being here too."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"You know," I begin, "I wanted to end my contract early and go back to Ohio. But I can't imagine leaving Korea at the moment. It's been more and more like home lately."

The reason for that? Them. Those seven boys I shared a meal and a drink with mere days ago after my heart was ripped out of me. It's crazy how much they've impacted me in such a short amount of time. That's the effect BTS has on people.