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Trying to pretend that everything was normal was hard.
All I wanted to do was support my boyfriend, but I was struggling with that simple task. It wasn't him; it was me. Getting out of bed on the Tuesday was hard, showering and packing a small suitcase was even worse. Somehow, I had managed to drag myself out of the house and once I chucked my bag on the backseat, I knew there was no turning back.
Currently, I was sitting on the bed in the motorhome, my mind was somewhere else as I vaguely listened to George talking. My eyes glanced at him when there was a silence before he raised his eyebrows. "Payten, what's wrong?" He asked the words bringing me back into the room as I looked into his eyes.
"Sorry," I mumbled as I pulled my knees to my chest. "I just..." I trailed off as I looked out of the window, my eyes watching the world pass me by.
The bed dipped next to me as George sat beside me, he put an arm around me holding me close to him. "You didn't need to come today, you know that?" He tried to assure me as he looked at me, I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. George placed a kiss on my temple, "I just want you to be wherever you are the most comfortable."
"I didn't want to let you down," I said slowly as I turned into him and snuggled closer to his chest hoping his warmth would help me. "You don't want to be the only one without your girlfriend here, right?"
George let out a small laugh, "Please don't tell me that's what you are worried about. Pay, I don't pay any mind to what others think. They don't know you, they don't know us." His grip tightened as I felt his stroking my hair that was cascading down my back. "Now you are here, you don't need to do anything more."
"I'm here for you," I told him as I pulled him down as I laid back on the bed. "I just, for now, I just need to close my eyes, just for a while."
He smiled at me before I closed my eyes. I could feel his hands around me as I drifted into a sad wistful sleep.
XOXOX
When I woke, I was alone.
I checked my phone but found no notifications.
Should I have been concerned about where George had gone? I didn't feel it. My mind was a jumble of emotions and feelings but my face showed nothing.
Sitting on the bed, I watched out of the window again. There was people out in the campsite having a good time, my eyes looked at the smiles on their faces as they laughed and joked with each other. George was out there, he was sat between Lewis and a woman, the three of them seemed to be enjoying each other's company.
I wondered what they were talking about, if he had even mentioned the fact that I had arrived here.
Had anyone asked about me? Did anyone wonder where I was?
There was a knock on the door of the motorhome, my eyes looked away from the window before I moved from the bed. Walking towards the main door, it opened and in walked my brother, Marcus, he looked at me stopping when he saw me standing there.
"George said you were here," his voice was quiet as he looked at me.
Nodding, I leaned against the sideboard of the kitchen area. "I thought I would drive up, support him. It must be hard for him when all the others have their girlfriends or wives here."
My brother walked towards me; his lips pulled into a forced smile as he pulled me into a hug. "I'm sure George apricates you being here. I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for him too. He has no idea what to say most of the time, work is his release."
I knew George loved his job, it was something which gave him freedom which maybe he felt like he didn't have when I was around. If I was honest, I had no idea why he continued our relationship. My depression seemed to be a drain on him and myself when we were together. I was even worse when I was at home without him.
We were both so young, he didn't need me and my illness dragging him down. He had the world at his feet and I didn't want him to have to miss out because of me.
I pulled away from my brother, "I think I am going to go home."
"What are you talking about?" Marcus looked at me like I was crazy, "You've only just arrived at Silverstone. It's a long drive back to your house," he was ever the caring brother but he didn't understand.
"No," I sighed as I crossed my arms over my chest. "I think I'm going to go back home-home."
"New Zealand home?" George's voice made me jump, I turned my head and saw him standing in the doorway of the motorhome.
I nodded slowly, "I think it's the best thing for both of us."
"Why would you think such a thing?" He asked as he walked towards me, passed my brother who quickly left the motorhome closing the door as he went leaving me and George alone. He pushed my hair away from my face as he looked me straight in the eyes.
Sighing, I looked away from him. The guilt and stress I felt was too much when I was near him, just knowing how much of a strain I put on him. " I know how much my depression gets me down, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I think it might be best if I just go home, if we call this off." The words tumbled from my mouth before I could think about it, if I thought about it I knew it wouldn't come out properly.
"Pay, I love you. I know you have your issues but I wouldn't have you any other way." George smiled as I looked back at him. "You are perfect to me. I know that it means certain things are out of the question but I don't need any of that, I just want you."
"You can have your ow life back if I go home," I told him trying to reason with him. I didn't want to break up with him, I just wanted him to be happy. "You can be free again, you can go out, party, have fun, be normal."
George kissed my forehead, "I don't want you to go back home. I want you to be here with me, I want you to be happy and free. I want to try and be everything you need, Pay. I'm not going to tell you that you can't go back home, but I love you. I love you and want to spend my life with you. Nothing else matters, I can deal with your depression, I can deal with missing out because you are the only person in my life that really matters. You are perfect as you are, Princess."
My eyes were welling with tears as I listened to his words before I smiled widely. "You mean it?"
He put his hands on my cheeks as he stared at me, "I promise. Forever."
