The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

An Unlikely Hero

Once upon a time there was a boy. A boy who believed that he wasn't special, that he didn't possess a single skill.

He lived in a city in which there were thousands and thousands and thousands of people, therefore he felt so little, so utterly insignificant. His life was banal, practically lifeless.

Then one day, he saw a news story trending on Twitter which showed an evil man terrorizing his city. This man was committing grave atrocities that were so devilish, and so tremendously heinous, that those people who produced the Fast and the Furious franchise would look like angels in God's heavenly kingdom in comparison to this man's crimes against humanity.

The boy muttered, "Oh gee, this is terrible."

Then something strange occurred, something about the story evoked a certain aspect of himself, a part of him that he didn't know existed, a power that was latent until called upon. The anger and the horror of what he saw caused his once hidden talent to become suddenly evident to him...the boy began to lactate from his nipples.

The boy, noticing what occurred, stood confounded and murmured the words, "This is quite odd?"

The following morning he went to the doctor's office and asked if he just recently gave birth, because his nipples were lactating. The doctor said no, and that though lactation in the nipples was extremely rare in men, there were cases in which it had occurred before.

His interest was immediately piqued, "So, I'm special?" He asked.

"Very." The doctor said.

This made the boy very, very happy. He began to purposely wear t-shirts which would clearly display the lactation marks, which provoked observers to inquire. The boy not only displayed his unique ability with pride, but he also boasted about it to anyone who had ears to listen.

Then one day, after a school shooting sent the students home early, he and a couple of friends decided to go to the downtown mall to buy a new video game that they have been wanting to purchase.

While making their way towards the game shop, they heard terrified shrills and screams.

"What's that?!" The boy exclaimed in dismay.

One of his friends pointed and shouted, "It's that evil man from the internet!"

"He exists in person?" Thought the other friend aloud.

The boy, looking down at his milk stained t-shirt, garnered confidence and told his two friends, "Stand back, I'll stop him." He ran past them and dashed courageously toward the villain.

The two friends stood disturbingly dumbfounded, "What are you doing!? He's dangerous!" They howled, and then they took a sip out of their Cold Stone Milkshake and walked into the game shop calmly.

The boy jumped on the back of the villain as he was delighting in nefarious acts. The adrenaline of the situation caused the boy's nipples to release a hefty stream of breast milk, and this unbridled flow of milk was seeping through the fabric of his t-shirt, and touching the bare skin of the villain's neck and upper back.

The villain suddenly let out a curdled yelp, he then fell to the ground and began to convulse. Next, he started to shrivel up as if he was a snail exposed to salt.

The villain in a state of intense perturbation asked, "Is this lactose?"

"I believe so." Stated the boy as he stood above his conquered foe, placing his fists firmly against his hips, his t-shirt drenched in nipple milk.

"I'm melting!" Cried the villain. "I'm lactose intolerant!"

A large crowd of mall-goers jumped up and cheered with fervent glee. The police came running in as they followed the two mall security guards who were leading them to the perpetrator.

The police chief spoke, "Looks like our job here is already done, good job kid." He then playfully punched the boy on the shoulder and gave him a proud and reassuring smile.

The boy looked up at him and smiled, and then a group of people hoisted the boy in the air and began chanting the words, "Nipple kid! Nipple kid! Nipple kid!"

It was by far the happiest day of this boy's seemingly monotonous and meaningless life. He relished this moment and sealed it in his memory, swearing that he would never forget this experience...unless of course something tragic occurred in which his memory was completely wiped.

As for the villain, he quickly transmuted into a puddle of untidy-shriveled-up organs, languidly lounging in a lukewarm-soup of blood. He was soon mopped up by a janitor, and his dead remains were replaced with a yellow wet-floor sign.

THE END