The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Columbus

There once lived a man named Columbus. Columbus was a fine young lad, he loved to sail.

One day, he decided that he was going to sail across the Atlantic in search of Bigfoot. He said, "I know there is a bigfoot beast, for he left his footprint! It was imprinted in the horse manure down by the old farmhouse. I not only saw the footprint with my own eyes, but I also smelt it!"

The townsfolk said, "Whatever Columbus. Bigfoot is imaginary, do you happen to have any other imaginary friends? Be careful with your wild proclamations or you may end up in the loony bin."

Columbus said, "Only the looney tunes are reserved for the loony bin and last time I checked, I am not a looney tune character! I will find Bigfoot and I will catch him, oh yes, I will catch him. For I Columbus, knows what attracts a Bigfoot."

The townsfolk said, "What is a Bigfoot attracted to?"

Columbus responded by saying, "Big shoes of course...and also, chickpeas."

The townsfolk laughed at Columbus and called him crazy. Columbus wanted to prove everyone wrong, so the following week he set sail.

As weeks went by, Columbus did not see any sign of land. He began to worry, for he was running out of food and water.

Later in the evening a massive storm hit. The storm destroyed the boat and Columbus was forced to jump into the ocean. As he swimming, a giant whale emerged and swallowed Columbus whole! 

Columbus at first was panicked, but then he noticed a fire inside the whale's belly, he walked towards it and said, "Hello, who is there?"

A male voice said, "Hello, who goes there?""

Columbus replied, "It is I, Columbus. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?"

The voice said, "It is I, Geppetto. I was sleeping in my bed when a whale came crashing in and swallowed me whole. Now I am just waiting for my puppet-son Pinocchio to come and save me."

Columbus said, "Fair enough. I am trying to find Bigfoot."

Geppetto said, "Ah! I saw his footprint here the other day."

Columbus said, "What?! Really!? Where is the beast now?"

Geppetto said, "Do I look like Bigfoot's keeper? Why don't you look for yourself...and you call yourself an explorer, ha! Embarrassing."

Columbus took out his explorer's kit and began to explore the belly of the whale. After hours of exploring, he decided he would make the Bigfoot come to him, he cleverly set up Bigfoot traps.

As he was sleeping, he awoke from the sound of crunching chickpeas. He shined his torch in the direction of his crafty chickpea and shoe trap and saw it, the Bigfoot!

He dashed towards the beast only to discover that the Bigfoot was actually Geppetto. Columbus was perplexed, "I am confused...you are Bigfoot?"

Geppetto replied, "No, I just love chickpeas and new shoes. Now stop shining that light in my eyes, you asshole."

Columbus was disappointed and thought to himself, "Maybe Bigfoot doesn't exist."

The next day, the whale shit out Columbus and Geppetto, and as Columbus was climbing out of the massive shit he saw another footprint. He shouted with glee, "Bigfoot does exist! Look, look! His footprint!"

Geppetto said, "I stepped in shit wearing these giant new shoes I found in the whale's belly, see!" He lifted his shoe and showed Columbus the shit underneath.

Columbus was disappointed once again. He was about to give up when suddenly it happened. He ripped open a package of overpriced ill-tasting Jack Link's Beef Jerky and Bigfoot appeared.

The Bigfoot said, "Give me some of that darn meat, I'm hungry, and Beef Jerky is great for my feet."

Columbus screamed in terror! "You are real?!"

But before the Bigfoot could respond, Macho Man Randy Savage suddenly appeared and said, "Snap into a Slim Jim! Oh yeah brother!" And then Randy Savage proceeded to flying elbow drop Sasquatch, instantly killing him. Therefore, killing the last of his kind, and making the Bigfoot forever extinct. He then lit a cigarette and dropped the lit match on Bigfoot's dead body, causing him to become ash and rubble, even the bones disintegrated due to the heat of the fire. 

Columbus screamed once again, "What have you done!? Now I can't return to my homeland with evidence of a Bigfoot. Everyone will think I am a loser."

Randy Savage replied, "I spent years perfecting a lie brother. You see, wrestling isn't real, even though many fans believe it is. With my deceptive skills, we can get people to believe you saw a Bigfoot. Hey, I got an idea, just take a photo of me inside a gorilla suit. Trust me, it will work brother."

Columbus went with the idea and sailed back to his country with the photo. When he returned, he showed the photo to everyone, and everyone believed it was real. He became a hero, he was beloved and adored. The leader of the country then declared a National Holiday in his honor, and his legacy lives on to this day. 

The End.